Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

When I was around 11, I had some physical contact with a younger sibling that involved body contact while we were both clothed. This happened a few times, and I didn't understand it wasn't appropriate at the time. I'm struggling with guilt about this now and wondering how to cope with these feelings.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. The guilt you're carrying is incredibly heavy, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling this way now, especially as you've grown and gained a deeper understanding of appropriate boundaries. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, though it's rarely discussed openly, which can make people feel isolated in their experiences.

When you were 11 years old, you were still a child exploring the world and learning about relationships and behaviors. At that age, your brain was still developing, particularly the areas responsible for understanding consequences, appropriate boundaries, and sexual behavior. Children naturally explore their bodies and may engage in sexual play as part of normal development, and sometimes engage in behaviors without malicious intent or awareness of inappropriateness. The fact that you didn't realize it wasn't appropriate at the time speaks to your developmental stage and the normal limitations of childhood understanding, not an intent to harm.

The guilt you're experiencing now reflects your adult understanding of appropriate boundaries and your capacity for empathy. These are actually positive qualities, even though they're causing you pain. It's important to recognize, however, that childhood sexual behavior exists on a spectrum where context matters greatly.

Dealing with guilt can be challenging, but it's also an opportunity for self-compassion and forgiveness. Processing these feelings often requires separating your adult understanding from your childhood actions. Acknowledge that your younger self didn't have the knowledge or maturity to make different choices, and remember that forgiving yourself doesn't mean dismissing what happened. It means recognizing that you've grown since then and are committed to acting with awareness and care now.

It might help to talk about your feelings with someone you trust, like a close friend or family member, who can offer support and understanding. If these feelings continue to weigh heavily on you, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in childhood sexual behavior or trauma. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your emotions further and help you work through your guilt while finding ways to move forward with kindness toward yourself. They can also help you understand the difference between accountability and self-punishment, and guide you toward healing rather than ongoing shame.

Everyone makes mistakes during childhood, and it's how we learn and grow from them that truly matters. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these feelings, and know that it's okay to let go of the guilt and focus on the person you've become. The most important thing right now is taking care of your own emotional wellbeing and finding healthy ways to process these complex feelings.

Question 2

My ex-boyfriend would pressure me into saying "yes" to sexual acts, even when I was too intoxicated to properly consent, not enthusiastic, or uncomfortable with parts of what he was doing. He's a nice guy who supports victims, so I don't think it was intentional. How do I know if this was sexual assault/abuse or if I was just bad at communicating?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. I can share what I think based on the context you gave, but know that ultimately your interpretation of your experiences is totally up to you.

What you're describing does sound like sexual abuse, even if your ex-boyfriend seemed like a nice person. Pressuring someone into sexual activity, pursuing sex with a person who is too intoxicated to consent, and ignoring a partner's expressed discomfort are all forms of coercion and assault. Consent should be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. It doesn't sound like your "yes" met those criteria.

It's common for people who experience sexual abuse, especially from a partner, to struggle with self-doubt and blame. You may find yourself making excuses for his behavior or wondering if you somehow communicated poorly. But the truth is, the responsibility lies with the person who violated your consent and bodily autonomy. No matter how nice he seemed in other contexts, his actions in those moments were not okay.

Your partner should have prioritized your comfort, checked in with you, and respected any hesitation. Being too intoxicated means you couldn't fully consent. A lack of enthusiasm is not a "yes." Any sign of discomfort should have led him to stop immediately and talk with you. His failure to notice these things suggests he was willfully ignoring the signs that you weren't fully on board.

It's understandable to feel confused and conflicted, especially if parts of the relationship felt good. Abusers aren't always bad in every way. But someone who violates consent and pressures a partner into unwanted sexual acts is being abusive in those moments, whatever their other qualities. You didn't deserve to be treated that way, and it wasn't your fault.

It's also important to recognize that we live in a society where men often aren't properly taught about consent. Many boys and men internalize harmful ideas about being entitled to sex or needing to convince reluctant partners. These toxic norms do not excuse abusive behavior, but they may contribute to why some men fail to recognize or respect the nuances of consent. It's possible your ex-boyfriend had absorbed these unhealthy messages, which then played out in your relationship. Again, this doesn't make his actions okay, but it adds important context.

Ultimately, only you can define your experiences and decide what labels feel true to you. No one else gets to tell you what you've been through or how you should feel about it. If these experiences felt violating and traumatic, then it's valid to name them as abuse or assault. Trust your own emotions and reactions. You're the expert on your story.

Healing from sexual abuse can be a difficult journey, but you don't have to do it alone. I would encourage you to reach out to a counselor or call an abuse hotline to talk through your experiences in more depth. With time and support, it's absolutely possible to process this trauma and come to a place of clarity and peace. You're not alone, and you didn't do anything wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 3

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some behaviors that might be considered coercive include: persistent pressure or begging after being told "no"; using guilt or emotional manipulation; making threats; ignoring clearly stated boundaries or requests to stop; taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent; using physical force or intimidation; and blackmail or threats to reveal private information or images.

It's crucial to teach young people about consent, healthy relationships, and respecting others' boundaries. Any sexual activity should be mutually agreed upon, with both parties feeling comfortable and free to change their minds at any time.

Healthy exploration in childhood typically involves:

Age-appropriate curiosity and activities
Mutual consent and comfort from all involved
Equal power dynamics (similar age, developmental stage, etc.)
Respect for boundaries and privacy
No coercion or pressure
Ability to stop activities without negative consequences

Potentially problematic behaviors experienced in childhood may include:

Large age gaps or significant differences in developmental stages
Lack of mutual consent or enthusiasm
Pressure, coercion, or manipulation
Ignoring expressed discomfort or attempts to stop
Secrecy enforced through threats or shame
Mimicking adult sexual behaviors beyond age-appropriate understanding
Causing physical or emotional distress

If you're concerned about a specific situation involving minors, it's best to consult with a child psychologist, school counselor, or other professional trained in adolescent development and sexuality. They can provide more tailored guidance and support. In addition, ChildHelp has an online chatline which can provide personalized support and resources in this area.

Question 4

When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autonomy.

It's essential to understand that consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual interaction, and children at such a young age cannot provide informed consent. If the other child's actions made you feel uncomfortable, pressured, or violated, your feelings are valid, and you are not to blame for what happened.

COCSA can have lasting effects on survivors, similar to those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated sexual abuse. It's common to feel confusion, guilt, or shame, but it's crucial to remember that you were a child who was manipulated and coerced into a situation you did not want to be in.

It's important to recognize that only you can define your experiences and how they have impacted you. Everyone processes and understands their trauma differently, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about what happened to you. Trust your own perceptions and emotions, and don't let anyone minimize or invalidate your experiences.

If you feel that you need support in processing these experiences, seeking help from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions, work through the trauma, and develop coping strategies.

Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources and support systems available to help you on your healing journey. Your experiences are valid, and your feelings matter. Be gentle with yourself and know that healing is possible.

We appreciate you reaching out and are here for you.

Question 5

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. We receive a lot of questions about COCSA and I encourage you to read some of our other answers that relate to this as well as our recent blog post that summarizes what we know about it for more information.

COCSA stands for Child on Child Sexual Abuse. It refers to sexual activity between children that involves coercion, force, or lack of consent. Determining whether sexual behavior between children is abusive depends on factors like whether there is a significant age or developmental difference, use of force, coercion, or manipulation, and how the children feel about what happened.

Some sexual play and exploration between similarly-aged children is normal and healthy. Typical childhood sexual play is spontaneous, voluntary, lighthearted, easily diverted, balanced in power, and occurs between friends. Concerning signs include one child exerting power over the other, secrecy, strong emotions like anger or anxiety, and behaviors that are compulsive or adult-like.

Unfortunately, research on COCSA is still emerging and resources can be limited.

Some key takeaways are:

Sexual abuse between children is more common than many realize. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more "powerful" children.
It can be hard to tell the difference between normal sexual play and abuse. Context, power dynamics, secrecy and consent are important factors to consider.
Effects of COCSA are similar to sexual abuse by adults, including shame, trauma, relationship difficulties and mental health challenges. All children involved need support.
There is still a lot of stigma and lack of understanding around this issue. More research, resources and supports are badly needed.

Thank you for asking a question about this important topic. We appreciate it.

Question 6

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this deeply personal experience. It's understandable that you're grappling with guilt and confusion as you reflect on what happened when you were younger. The guilt and concern you feel shows that you understand boundaries now in ways you didn't as a child, and that recognition is actually a sign of healthy development and empathy.

When you were 11 years old, you were still very much a child, learning about yourself and the world around you. At that age, children often explore and test boundaries as part of their development, sometimes without fully understanding the appropriateness of their actions. Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a wide spectrum, and what you're describing falls into what many experts consider exploratory behavior that can occur during normal childhood development. At age 11, children are naturally curious about bodies and physical sensations, but they lack the cognitive development to fully understand concepts like consent, power dynamics, or the potential impact of their actions.

The age difference you mention does create a power imbalance that makes this behavior concerning, but it's important to understand that as an 11-year-old, you likely didn't have the developmental capacity to fully grasp these dynamics. Children often act on curiosity and physical impulses without the ability to predict or understand consequences the way adults do. Your brain was still developing the capacity for abstract thinking, impulse control, and understanding complex social and emotional consequences. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides important context for understanding why it happened.

The fact that you now realize the behavior wasn't appropriate and that you feel remorse shows your growth and awareness. It's a sign of your moral development and empathy. Feeling guilty indicates that you care deeply about others and understand the importance of respecting boundaries. Many adults carry guilt about childhood behaviors that they later recognize as inappropriate or harmful. This guilt, while painful, often reflects growth and the development of a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, boundaries, and consent. The fact that you stopped this behavior and feel remorse suggests that your moral reasoning developed normally as you matured.

It's important to be compassionate with yourself. While you can't change the past, you can acknowledge your feelings and use this awareness to inform how you engage with others now. If these feelings of guilt continue to weigh heavily on you or if this experience continues to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior can be incredibly helpful. They can provide personalized support to help you process these feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human, and recognizing them is a crucial step toward personal growth. You deserve compassion and support as you work through these difficult emotions, including compassion for the child you were who was still learning about the world. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex feelings.

Question 7

Can two younger children (e.g. ages 9-11) consent to sex? I don't believe they can. But if no adult is around to monitor what's going on,  how does the child on the receiving end of the other child's behavior (initiated and lead by the other child) classify their experience? If they don't know what they are consenting to, and no isn't an option for them,  is this abuse? This was my experience and I struggle so much with accepting what happened as being abuse. But I have all the hallmark signs of having been abused as a child.

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry that you experienced this and are struggling with the impact and meaning of it. What you're describing sounds distressing and violating, even though both people involved were children.

You're absolutely right that legally children ages 9-11 cannot meaningfully consent to sex, regardless of whether an adult is present. Children that age are not developmentally capable of understanding or consenting to sexual activity. If one child initiates sexual behaviors and the other child feels unable to refuse or stop what's happening, that is very concerning. It's not truly consensual, even if the child didn't overtly say no, since the pressure and power dynamics make it impossible for them to freely choose.

At the same time, it's important to recognize that not all sexual behaviors between children are inherently abusive. Some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of similar ages is considered normal and not necessarily harmful, as long as there is mutual agreement, no coercion, and it doesn't cause distress.

However, when one child pressures or forces sexual activity on another, there is a significant age/power difference, or it happens frequently or in a compulsive way, that crosses the line into abuse. If you experienced sexual activity with another child that felt overwhelming, violating or traumatic, your feelings are completely valid. It's okay to define and label your experience as abuse. Even if the other child didn't intend harm, if you were negatively impacted, that matters. No one else can dictate how you feel about what happened to you.

All children have the right to have their boundaries respected and to be free from coercive and unwanted sexual experiences. Struggling to accept what you experienced as abuse is so understandable, especially since it doesn't fit the stereotype of an adult perpetrator. But this absolutely can be an abusive experience with lasting harmful impacts, as you know firsthand. Your feelings of violation are real and valid.

There is still a lot we don't understand about child sexual development and behavior. More research is needed to better distinguish between harmless experimentation vs. harmful abuse. But in general, any sexual activity that is unwanted, coercive or distressing to one or more of the children involved is not okay and can be significantly damaging, regardless of ages.

I hope you can begin to extend compassion to your younger self and recognize that you did nothing to deserve this harm. It might help to imagine a child you love going through this - would you see it as their fault? You deserve the same grace and gentleness with yourself.

Healing from COCSA is a difficult journey. I'm so sorry you've had to carry this alone. I hope you're able to access good therapeutic support to process your experiences, learn to trust your own feelings, and begin to reclaim your sense of worth and autonomy. What happened to you matters, and support is available.

Wishing you all the best on your healing path. Please remember that you're not alone.

Question 8

I'm struggling with uncertainty about traumatic events from my childhood. While I'm certain something inappropriate occurred, I worry I might be unintentionally exaggerating the details in my mind. Since it involved another child, I sometimes question if it was harmful behavior or more typical childhood interactions. How can I cope with these doubts and conflicting memories?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your concerns about these difficult childhood experiences. Your feelings and doubts are valid. Memory, especially of distressing events, can be complex and sometimes unclear. It's not uncommon for individuals who have had potentially traumatic childhood experiences to question their recollections or worry about the accuracy of their memories. This uncertainty doesn't invalidate your experiences or feelings.

When it comes to processing difficult past events, it's crucial to understand that everyone's journey is unique. Some individuals find comfort and clarity in labeling their experiences, as it can help them make sense of what happened and validate their feelings. Others may prefer not to use specific labels, finding that approach more conducive to their healing process. Both approaches are entirely valid, and what matters most is what feels right and helpful for you personally.

There are several ways to cope with these doubts and conflicting memories. Seeking professional support from a therapist experienced in childhood issues can be incredibly helpful. They can provide a safe environment for you to process your experiences and emotions, as well as teach techniques for managing anxiety and intrusive thoughts related to your memories. Practicing self-compassion is also crucial - be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex emotions and remember that your feelings are valid, regardless of the specific details you recall or how you choose to categorize your experiences.

While the exact details of past events may be unclear, your current emotions and need for healing are real and deserving of attention. Focus on your present feelings and needs rather than trying to perfectly reconstruct the past. Journaling about your thoughts and feelings can help you process them and potentially bring clarity over time. When doubts become overwhelming, using grounding techniques can help bring you back to the present moment.

Remember, healing is not dependent on having a perfect recollection of events or fitting your experiences into a specific category. What matters most is acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and focusing on your well-being in the present. Your journey towards understanding and processing your past is valid and important, regardless of the specifics of your memories or how you choose to describe them. If these thoughts continue to cause significant distress, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for personalized support. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 9

Is it appropriate for a COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) survivor to use the CSA (child sexual abuse) survivor label, or should I specifically use the COCSA label? I often feel guilty using the CSA survivor label because others have told me I shouldn't use it since my experiences "weren't as bad" or are different from adult-perpetrated abuse. While I sometimes dismiss my own experiences, COCSA is a form of CSA that has impacted my life similarly to other survivors. I'm confused about whether using the CSA label would be inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this with us. Your feelings of confusion about terminology are completely understandable and reflect a common struggle many survivors face when trying to name their experiences. What you experienced as a child was sexual abuse, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is indeed a recognized form of child sexual abuse, not a separate or lesser category. The "CSA" in COCSA literally stands for child sexual abuse, affirming that your experiences fall under this broader umbrella.

The voices telling you that your experiences "weren't as bad" or that you shouldn't use certain labels are reflecting harmful misconceptions about sexual abuse. There is no hierarchy of trauma that determines whose experiences are "bad enough" to warrant support, healing, or appropriate terminology. Research consistently shows that COCSA can have profound and lasting impacts on survivors, including effects on relationships, self-esteem, sexuality, and mental health that mirror those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated abuse.

Labels can be incredibly helpful for some survivors as they provide validation, help connect with others who share similar experiences, and offer a framework for understanding what happened. For others, labels may feel limiting or unnecessary. You are the only person who has the right to decide how to describe your own experiences. Your right to identify with the CSA survivor community is not something that can be taken away by others' opinions about what qualifies as "real" abuse. Many COCSA survivors find connection and healing within broader CSA survivor spaces, while others prefer more specific communities or choose not to use labels at all. All of these choices are valid.

You are not appropriating anything by using the CSA label – you are accurately describing your lived experience. The tendency to minimize your own experiences is a common trauma response, but it doesn't reflect the reality of what you endured or your legitimate place in survivor communities. Trust your own understanding of what happened to you and what language, if any, serves your healing best. Thank you or reaching out to us.

Question 10

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this important question. Processing sexual abuse without immediate access to professional help can be challenging, but is often necessary in a world where mental health support can be costly and inaccessible. There are other strategies and resources out there that can support your healing journey. Here are some suggestions on how you might begin to process sexual abuse without a therapist or counselor:

1. Self-help books: There are many books written by experts and survivors that offer guidance and coping strategies.

2. Journaling: Writing about your experiences and feelings can be therapeutic. We have linked an online journaling tool created by me too international that we think can be helpful. If you prefer a physical journal that has self-guided prompts, there are many out there (we also have one for sale in our shop).

3. Online support groups or virtual communities: These can provide a sense of community, support, and shared understanding from others who have experienced similar things as you.

4. Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help manage anxiety, reduce stress, promote emotion regulation, and decrease intrusive thoughts.

5. Creative expression: Art, music, or other creative outlets can be powerful healing tools.

6. Physical exercise: Regular physical activity can help manage stress and improve mood. This does not need to be formal exercise in a gym (though it can be). It can also include walking in nature, dancing to your favorite music, gentle stretching or yoga at home, gardening, swimming, or any form of movement that feels good to you. The key is to find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel connected to your body in a positive way. Remember, the goal is not to push yourself too hard, but to engage in movement that feels nurturing and empowering.

7. Photography: Use photography to explore and capture moments that feel healing or empowering to you. This can help you focus on positive experiences and track your healing journey visually.

8. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it might seem. This can boost your motivation and reinforce positive changes.

9. Set and celebrate healing goals: Establish realistic, achievable goals for your healing process and celebrate when you reach them. This can provide a sense of direction and accomplishment.

As a reminder, these methods aren't replacements for professional help, but they can be valuable tools in your healing process. Healing is a personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's okay to try different approaches and find what feels right for you. If professional help becomes available, consider taking advantage of it. If you feel that you are in crisis or in need of immediate support, access this free online survivior support hotline. Your wellbeing is important, and you deserve support in your healing journey.

Question 11

I experienced childhood sexual trauma (oral abuse) and now struggle with vaginismus causing painful intercourse, despite the abuse not involving vaginal penetration. This has caused some issues in my relationship as we want children one day but I cannot handle vaginal sex. Pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help. Why might I have vaginismus given the nature of my trauma, and how can I manage its effects?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We appreciate you reaching out and want to acknowledge the progress you've already made—this is a huge accomplishment. Your question addresses issues that many survivors face but often struggle to share with professionals, so we're grateful for your vulnerability and trust in us.

Firstly, it's crucial to understand that trauma responses, including vaginismus, can manifest in complex ways that aren't always directly linked to the specific type of abuse experienced. Vaginismus is a condition characterized by involuntary muscle spasms in the pelvic floor that can make vaginal penetration difficult or impossible. While it's often associated with sexual trauma involving vaginal penetration, your experience demonstrates that this isn't always the case.

The mind-body connection in trauma responses is intricate. Your body may be responding protectively to intimate situations in general, not just to the exact form of abuse you experienced. This protective response can extend to various aspects of physical and emotional intimacy, which explains why you might be experiencing vaginismus despite your trauma not involving vaginal penetration.

Managing vaginismus often requires a multifaceted approach, and it sounds like you have already tried some of these strategies. While everyone's body is different, here's a menu of options you can consider:

1. Professional help: If you haven't already, consider working with a trauma-informed pelvic floor physical therapist and a sex therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. They can provide tailored treatments and coping strategies that address both the physical and emotional aspects of vaginismus.

2. Open communication: Continue to have open, honest conversations with your partner about your experiences, feelings, and needs. This can help maintain intimacy and understanding in your relationship, especially as you navigate the challenges of family planning.

3. Explore non-penetrative intimacy: There are many ways to be intimate and express love that don't involve penetration. This can help maintain your connection while working on healing.

4. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques: These can help reduce anxiety and tension associated with intimacy. Your therapist can guide you through specific exercises tailored to your needs.

5. Paced approach: While you mentioned that pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help so far, it's worth noting that these techniques often require time and consistent practice to show results. Work with your healthcare providers to establish a paced approach that feels comfortable for you.

6. Alternative family planning options: Given your desire for children, it may be helpful to discuss options like IVF or surrogacy with your partner and healthcare providers. These alternatives can allow you to build your family while continuing to work on your healing journey.

Additionally, there are some home-based methods to attempt conception without vaginal penetration, though their effectiveness can vary. This includes Intravaginal insemination (IVI) using a sterile syringe or cervical cap and at-home insemination kits. These methods may be less invasive but still require careful timing with ovulation. Consult a healthcare provider before attempting any of these options to ensure safety and improve chances of success. They can provide guidance on proper techniques, timing, and any potential risks or considerations specific to your situation.

For others reading this who may be experiencing similar issues, it's important to remember that vaginismus and other intimacy challenges following sexual trauma are not uncommon. If you're struggling with these issues, we encourage you to seek professional help from trauma-informed specialists. Be patient with yourself; healing is not linear. Communicate openly with your partner(s) about your needs and boundaries, and remember that your experiences and feelings are valid.

While the road to recovery can be challenging, many survivors have found ways to manage vaginismus. With the right support and resources, healing is possible. Thank you for reaching out to us, and while we could not provide a concrete solution, we hope this gives you more tools to try as you navigate this. You are not alone.

Question 12

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. What you shared sounds like unwanted and repeated sexual touching that continued despite your clear physical boundaries. Sexual assault refers to any unwanted sexual contact without consent, regardless of whether clothes were involved or not. The fact that you repeatedly pushed his hand away clearly communicated your lack of consent, yet he persisted and even escalated by moving his hand higher.

Yes, unwanted touching, even over clothing, can be considered a form of sexual assault or sexual harassment. However, it's important to recognize that only you have the right to define and label your own experiences. Some people find that naming what happened helps them process their feelings and seek appropriate support, while others may find labels constraining or not fully reflective of their personal experience. Whatever terminology feels right to you—or choosing not to use specific terms at all—is completely valid.

Consent is essential in any physical interaction, and you have the absolute right to determine who touches you, when, and how - regardless of your relationship with that person, what you're wearing, or whether you're in a social situation like having drinks together.

Many survivors question their experiences, especially when the person who violated their boundaries was someone they knew and trusted. This self-doubt is common and doesn't invalidate what happened. It's completely understandable that you're feeling unsettled by what happened. Trust your instincts and feelings about this situation. Your discomfort was real and valid.

It's important to acknowledge that this behavior is not your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong. The responsibility for respecting boundaries always lies with the person initiating touch. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all situations, including when spending time with friends. Your body autonomy matters in all circumstances.

Healing from boundary violations takes time, and it's okay to seek support. If you're comfortable, consider talking to someone you trust about what happened—whether that's a friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support and guidance. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Taking care of yourself is the priority, and reaching out is a brave first step. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 13

I've experienced abuse from multiple people throughout my life. When I've tried to share my story before, others have asked me to stop because they found it too difficult to hear. I want to share my experiences in a way that might help other survivors/ victims, but I'm unsure if this is an appropriate space. Is it okay to share a longer, complex story about survival here?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us enough to consider sharing your story. It must have been difficult to have others ask you to stop sharing in the past - that experience alone can feel like another layer of silencing on top of what you've already endured. Living through multiple experiences of abuse is already overwhelming; being unable to fully share your truth adds another burden you shouldn't have to carry.

Yes, this is absolutely an appropriate place to share your full story. This platform was created specifically to provide a safe space for survivors to share their experiences without censorship or judgment, no matter how complex or lengthy they may be. Many survivors find that being able to tell their complete story, in their own words and at their own pace, can be an important part of their healing journey. The anonymous nature of this platform allows you to share freely while maintaining your privacy and safety.

As you prepare to share, I want to offer some gentle considerations to help you feel supported in the process. Consider taking breaks while writing if memories feel overwhelming, and have some grounding tools ready if needed. Remember that you're in control of your narrative - you can share as much or as little detail as feels right for you, and you can use content warnings to help other readers prepare themselves. There's no rush, and you can take all the time you need.

Many survivors have found that seeing others' complete stories helped them feel less alone in their own experiences. Your story, in its entirety, could be that light for someone else. Sharing anonymously is just as valid and courageous as telling someone face to face - sometimes even more so, as it allows others to find comfort in your words when they need it most.

We're here to support you in this process. Thank you so much for trusting us with your experiences. You are not alone.

Question 14

How does sexual abuse affect the body and mind on both a biological and psychological level, and why are humans particularly vulnerable to its impacts compared to other animals? Is there an evolutionary explanation for this? I'm particularly interested in how sexual abuse and cases of Child-on-child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) affect the body and mind, as I'm trying to understand my own experiences and how different types of abuse impact people differently.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this question. I hope we can help you understand these complex processes in a way that supports your healing journey.

Our human capacity for deep emotional connection and meaning-making is both a gift and a source of vulnerability when it comes to trauma. Unlike other animals, we create rich social bonds and find profound meaning in our experiences. While these qualities usually enrich our lives immensely, they can also make us especially sensitive to experiences that violate our trust or sense of safety.

When we experience trauma, particularly during childhood, our bodies respond in ways that are entirely normal and protective, even though they might feel confusing or overwhelming. Think of it like your body's alarm system - it detects a threat and responds by releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. While this response helps us survive in the moment, repeated activation can lead to lasting changes in how our bodies respond to stress. Understanding this can help explain why you might find yourself feeling anxious or on alert even in safe situations - your body learned to be extra careful to protect you.

During childhood, our brains are especially adaptable, constantly learning from our experiences to help us navigate the world. When trauma occurs during these formative years, it can shape how our neural pathways develop. This is particularly relevant for understanding the impact of childhood sexual abuse, including COCSA. If you've ever wondered why certain memories, feelings, or relationship patterns feel so deeply ingrained, this biological understanding might help explain why - and more importantly, know that with support and understanding, our brains can also learn new patterns of response.

The emotional impact of trauma goes beyond these physical changes because humans naturally seek to make sense of our experiences. This meaning-making process can become especially complicated with sexual trauma, particularly when it occurs in childhood or involves someone we know. If you've struggled with complex feelings about your experiences, please know this is a natural response to an unnatural situation - your mind is trying to process something that shouldn't have happened to you.

In COCSA situations, understanding these mechanisms can be particularly helpful because the experience often comes with unique layers of confusion and uncertainty. Without clear categories of "perpetrator" and "victim," many survivors struggle to make sense of their experiences or validate their own feelings. Please know that the impact of such experiences is real and valid, regardless of the circumstances or the age of the person who caused harm.

Here's where understanding these biological and psychological mechanisms can be particularly healing-- it helps us recognize that our responses (whether they're emotional overwhelm, numbness, relationship difficulties, or other challenges) aren't signs of weakness or failure. They're our bodies' and minds' natural attempts to protect us and cope with experiences we shouldn't have had to face.

This understanding can help transform self-judgment into self-compassion. When you understand that your brain was doing its best to protect you, it becomes easier to be gentle with yourself about responses that might otherwise feel frustrating or confusing. For example, if you sometimes feel overwhelmed by emotions or find yourself disconnecting in certain situations, knowing this is your nervous system's learned protection response can help you approach these moments with more patience and understanding.

Looking forward, this knowledge can also inform your healing journey. Just as our brains adapt to protect us during trauma, they can also adapt to support healing when given the right conditions and support. This might involve working with trauma-informed therapists who understand these mechanisms, engaging in practices that help regulate your nervous system, or finding ways to create new, positive experiences that help your brain and body learn that safety is possible.

Remember, your path to healing is uniquely yours, and understanding these mechanisms is just one part of the journey. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support in processing them in whatever way feels right for you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 15

When I was younger, I had a couple of experiences with other children that I'm wondering about. In one situation, an older child exposed himself and tried to convince me to do inappropriate things, though I didn't. In another ongoing situation with a child closer to my age, we would find private spots to expose ourselves to each other and there was touching involved. I'm wondering if these experiences might be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and asking about this. Regarding your first experience, what you described (an older child exposing himself and attempting to coerce you into sexual contact) does align with characteristics of child-on-child sexual abuse. The significant age difference (approximately 6-7 years), the coercive nature of trying to convince you to do something you did not want to do and the inappropriate sexual behavior all suggest this was abusive. The fact that you didn't comply doesn't diminish the inappropriate and harmful nature of what occurred. Your instincts protected you in that moment, and that matters.

The second experience you described is more complex, as many childhood sexual experiences fall into gray areas. When children of similar ages engage in sexual behaviors, it can sometimes be considered normal childhood sexual exploration, particularly when it's mutual, age-appropriate, and not coercive. Your current uncertainty about how you felt and who initiated it, may also indicate this experience was problematic in some ways.

It's important to understand that regardless of the specific labels we might apply to these experiences, your feelings about them are completely valid. Childhood sexual experiences, whether clearly abusive or in gray areas, can impact us in various ways. Some people experience confusion, shame, difficulty with boundaries, or challenges in relationships. Others may have few lasting effects. There's no "right" way to be affected by these experiences.

Your brain was still developing during these experiences, which means your memories may be fragmented or unclear. This is completely normal for childhood trauma. The confusion you feel about these events doesn't reflect any failing on your part--it reflects the complexity of childhood experiences and how our developing minds process them.

If these memories are causing you distress or impacting your life in ways that concern you, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences can be incredibly helpful. They can provide you with personalized support and help you process these experiences in a safe environment. Remember that seeking support isn't about determining whether these experiences "count" as abuse, but about caring for yourself and any impact they may have had on your life.

Your experiences matter, your feelings about them are valid, and you deserve support and healing regardless of how these experiences might be categorized. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 16

I was making progress recovering from childhood sexual trauma, but recently I've found myself regressing. I'm experiencing intrusive thoughts about the trauma, especially during intimate moments, which forces me to stop. I'm questioning my experiences and their validity, and find myself constantly ruminating. This feels like a major setback, especially since there's no clear trigger. Why might this regression be happening, and how can I maintain motivation for recovery when progress isn't linear?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. This really resonates with me and I am sure for many others who might be reading this. It's completely understandable to feel discouraged when old emotions resurface, especially after you've been making progress in your healing journey. Recovery from childhood trauma often isn't a straight line, and (while frustrating) it's common to experience ups and downs along the way.

Sometimes, distressing feelings can reemerge without an obvious reason, and that can be confusing. It's important to remember that this doesn't diminish the progress you've already made. What happened to you was traumatic and takes time to overcome. Healing is a process, and just because you are experiencing setbacks, doesn't mean you're back at the beginning.

Intrusive thoughts and ruminations can be particularly challenging, especially when they affect your daily life and relationships. Doubting your experiences and their validity is also a common response to trauma. Try to remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to acknowledge them.

Staying motivated during tough times can be difficult, but here are a few practices that might help:

1. Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that it's okay to have tough days and that healing takes time.

2. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Practices like deep breathing, meditation, or focusing on your senses can help bring you back to the present moment when you start to feel overwhelmed.

3. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Doing things that bring you joy or a sense of accomplishment can help shift your focus and improve your mood.

4. Connect with Supportive People: Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who understand and can offer encouragement.

5. Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process them and identify any patterns or triggers.

6. Professional Support: If you haven't already, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide guidance tailored to your situation.

Remember, experiencing a setback doesn't erase the progress you've made. Each step, even the difficult ones, is part of your journey toward healing. You're showing great strength by acknowledging how you feel and seeking ways to move forward. You're not alone. Thank you for trusting us with this

Question 17

I had an experience when I was young with another boy around my age which involved guilt tripping and other types of emotional manipulation into oral sex. It really impacted me, but I often struggle with feeling like my experience doesn't matter or isn't as serious as other forms of abuse despite all the research I did on the subject indicating it was child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). How can I learn to accept that what happened impacted me and learn not to compare my experiences to others?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. I want to start by affirming that your experience absolutely matters, and the impact it had on you is valid and real. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious form of sexual violence that can have lasting effects on survivors, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you.

It's common for survivors of COCSA to struggle with minimizing their own experiences or comparing their trauma to others. Society often perpetuates the myth that abuse by another child isn't as harmful as abuse by an adult, or that boys can't be victims of sexual violence. These messages can make it difficult for survivors to acknowledge the weight of their own trauma and seek support.

However, it's crucial to remember everyone's trauma is unique. Trauma is not only determined by the events you have gone through, but also how you experienced those events and the ultimate effect those events have had on you. In this way, the severity of your experience is not measured by the specific acts that occurred, but by the emotional, psychological, and physical impact on you as an individual. Guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, and coercion are all forms of abuse, even if physical force was not used. You were subjected to a violation of your boundaries, autonomy, and trust, and that is not something to be minimized. Learning to validate your own experiences and emotions is a process, but there are steps you can take to work towards self-acceptance and healing.

To start, remind yourself that your feelings are valid. When you catch yourself minimizing your experience, take a moment to pause and affirm your own emotions. You might say to yourself, "What happened to me was real, and it's okay to feel hurt/angry/scared/etc." You also want to challenge any negative self-talk you notice yourself having. When thoughts like "it wasn't that bad" or "others have it worse" come up, try to reframe them. Remind yourself, "My experience is not less significant because someone else had a different experience. My pain is valid."

It is also important to recognize that you deserve support and community. I would encourage you to seek support from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. A professional can help you process your emotions, work through feelings of self-blame or doubt, and develop coping strategies for managing triggers and symptoms. You may also benefit from connecting with other survivors, either through support groups or online communities. Hearing others' stories and sharing your own can help combat feelings of isolation and validate your experiences.

Finally, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one in your situation. Acknowledge that healing is a process, and be patient with yourself as you navigate complex emotions. Remember, your experience is unique to you, and it's not helpful or necessary to compare it to anyone else's. What you went through was traumatic, and you deserve support, validation, and care as you heal. You are not alone in this journey and you do not need to go through this alone. You have a community of survivors behind you. Do not be afraid to claim that as your own.

Question 18

I'm in my first relationship, which has been on and off for over a year and a half. We're both 20 now and met when we were 18. The first time he hurt me was in January. After several incidents, I forgave him and we got back together, but he tells me I was a "bitch" and that I caused what happened to escalate. I've always had memory issues and often forget parts of our arguments - sometimes even things I've said. He says I'm egocentric for this, but it's not intentional. Is this a normal part of relationships? How should I interpret his behavior and my memory issues in the context of our conflicts?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this personal situation. I want to address your concerns and provide some perspective on the dynamics you've described. What you are going through is not your fault and you deserve support.

It's important to recognize that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. The situation you're describing raises several concerns for me. Physical harm in a relationship is never acceptable, regardless of the circumstances. The fact that he hurt you is a serious issue. Blaming you for his actions by saying you "caused what happened to escalate" is a form of emotional manipulation. Each person is responsible for their own actions and reactions. Calling you names like "bitch" is verbal abuse and is not part of a healthy relationship. Labeling you as "egocentric" for having memory issues is unfair and potentially gaslighting behavior.

Your memory issues are a separate concern. Difficulty remembering details of arguments can be related to stress, anxiety, or other factors. It's not a character flaw and doesn't make you egocentric. It's crucial to understand that these behaviors are not normal or acceptable parts of a healthy relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, especially by a partner.

I would strongly encourage you to prioritize your safety and well-being. Consider reaching out to trusted friends, family, or a counselor for support. It may be beneficial to seek professional help to discuss these relationship dynamics and your memory concerns. Take time to reflect on whether this relationship is truly meeting your needs and contributing positively to your life.

Remember, it's okay to set boundaries and expect respectful treatment. Your first relationship is a learning experience, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your emotional or physical well-being. If you feel unsafe or need immediate support, please don't hesitate to reach out to local relationship violence resources or hotlines. Your well-being should always be the top priority. Thank you for trusting this. You deserve love and respect.

Question 19

I woke up one night to someone fondling my breast. When I told a relative, they said to let it go because the person was also a relative and younger. I recently started having flashbacks of the incident. Later, my partner violated my boundaries and used physical violence when I said no. I feel disgust, anger, and weakness for not understanding that what happened wasn't okay. How do I deal with these feelings? Is this normal?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It takes a lot of courage to share your story, and I'm glad you reached out. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are completely valid. It's understandable that you're experiencing a mix of emotions like anger, rage, disgust, and a sense of overwhelming mental weight.

When someone violates your boundaries, especially someone you trust or someone within your family, it can be incredibly confusing and painful. Similarly, having a partner who disregards your boundaries and resorts to physical violence is a severe violation of trust and respect. Feeling conflicted and struggling to process these experiences is a normal response to trauma.

What happened to you was not your fault. You did not "allow" yourself to get hurt - both the unwanted touching and the later violence from your partner were violations that happened to you, not because of anything you did or didn't do. When someone uses guilt, manipulation, and physical violence to override your "no," that is never your responsibility.

The dismissal you received when you disclosed the first incident likely compounded your trauma. Being told to "let it go" because the person was younger or related to you minimizes very real harm and can make you feel unheard and isolated. Your experience matters regardless of who caused it.

It's important to acknowledge that you are not weak for what happened. Many people find it difficult to recognize or fully understand abusive behavior when it's happening, especially when it comes from loved ones or those we trust. Blaming yourself is a common reaction, but the responsibility lies with those who chose to disrespect and harm you.

The flashbacks you're experiencing are your body's way of processing unresolved trauma. Our bodies often store traumatic memories that can be triggered later when we feel safer or when something reminds us of the original event. This is part of how trauma works in our nervous system.

You might find it helpful to reach out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual violence. They can provide personalized support and techniques to help manage flashbacks. Many communities have sexual assault support services that offer free or sliding-scale counseling.

Self-compassion is also crucial in your healing journey. Try to speak to yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend in your situation. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid, your boundaries matter, and healing takes time. You might also consider finding safe ways to express your anger. This could be through physical activity, creative expression, or simply acknowledging these feelings without judgment. Your anger is a natural response to injustice and can be a powerful part of reclaiming your sense of self.

Remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no timeline for processing trauma. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and heard. Taking this step to share your feelings shows your strength and resilience. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey, and know that healing is possible.

Question 20

When I was 16, my 15-year-old boyfriend pressured me into sexual activity at a party. I have autism and struggle with social cues. I didn't want to do it but nodded after he kept begging. I never told him to stop, but afterwards I left and threw up. I felt very uncomfortable afterward but never told him. Was this assault? Is it valid if the other person was younger?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

The situation you've described has many elements that imply that it may have been sexually coercive. Let's talk about sexual coercion. This is when someone pressures or tricks another person into sexual activity they don't want. It can include:

Asking over and over until the person gives in
Making the person feel guilty for saying no
Threatening to end the relationship if the person doesn't agree

In your situation, your boyfriend kept asking even though you didn't want to. This is a form of pressure. Even though you nodded, you shared that you did not really want to do it. True consent means both people are happy and excited to participate. Consent should be enthusiastic, freely given, and can be revoked at any time. Pressure or coercion, even from a partner, does not allow for true consent.

It's important to know that:

It doesn't matter that he was younger. Anyone can pressure someone else, regardless of age.
You don't have to say "no" out loud for it to count as not wanting something.
Feeling sick afterwards is a sign that something wasn't right for you.

Your autism might make it harder to understand social situations or express your feelings. This is not your fault. Your boyfriend should have paid attention to your comfort, not just looked for a nod.

It's a common misconception that assault only occurs when someone explicitly says "no." In reality, the absence of an enthusiastic "yes" should be treated as a "no." Your reluctance and the need for repeated convincing should have been respected as a lack of consent.

It's understandable to feel conflicted about this, especially given your relationship with him and your own challenges with social communication. However, it's important to recognize that you're not responsible for his actions. He should have been more attentive to your comfort and willingness.

Moving forward, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who specializes in autism and trauma. They can help you process this experience and develop strategies for clearer communication in future relationships. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, regardless of your neurodiversity or the age of your partner.

Most importantly, remember that healing is a personal journey. How you choose to label or process this experience may change over time, and that's okay. Your feelings and interpretations are valid at every stage of your healing process. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

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