Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

As a child, I experienced sexual abuse and repeated exposure to sexual content from a very young age. During my adolescence, I sometimes used these memories for stimulation, and once I became aroused by explicit video content. I feel tremendous guilt about these reactions and wonder if it's possible to forgive myself. I also notice that certain sounds arouse me and don't know if this is normal. Is it possible to heal from this guilt and understand these reactions?

Accepted Answer

I want to begin by telling you that your ability to reflect on these experiences with such honesty requires extraordinary courage. What you describe are completely understandable responses to early trauma and premature sexual exposure.

When children are exposed to sexual content or experiences before being developmentally ready, the brain stores these experiences in complex ways that can influence physical and emotional responses years later. Your body learned to respond to certain stimuli during a critical developmental period, and these neurological responses don't reflect something "sick" in you--they reflect how your nervous system adapted to experiences you shouldn't have had to process as such a young child.

Without proper guidance or appropriate sexual education, it's natural that you tried to make sense of these experiences in the only ways you knew how. The sexual responses you had as a child and adolescent are actually predictable reactions to premature sexual exposure and abuse. When children are sexually abused or exposed to adult sexual content, they often exhibit what professionals call "sexual behavior problems" to make sense of confusing experiences and sensations they weren't developmentally ready to understand. Children often mimic behaviors they've seen without fully grasping their meaning, especially when they've been exposed to inappropriate material or abuse.

It's important to understand that physical arousal is an involuntary nervous system response. The fact that your body responded to memories or visual content doesn't make you complicit in your own trauma, nor does it mean you enjoyed the abuse. Many survivors experience confusing physical responses that can generate deep shame, but these reactions are symptoms of trauma, not evidence of guilt. Feeling guilt or shame about using memories from childhood as a source of arousal during adolescence is a common experience for survivors of early exposure to sexual content. Your brain was trying to make sense of sexuality using the only references it had, even if they were inappropriate.

Regarding the sounds you mention, it's common for early trauma to create neurological associations that persist into adulthood. Your brain formed connections during experiences you couldn't fully process as a child, and these connections can trigger involuntary physical responses. It's also important to understand that being aroused by certain stimuli, such as sexual sounds, can be a normal response. Human sexuality is complex, and our bodies and minds can associate arousal with various stimuli based on our experiences. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Arousal responses are often automatic and don't reflect your character or morality.

Self-forgiveness is not only possible, but it's an act of justice toward the child you were. That child didn't choose any of these experiences, and the adolescent who tried to understand confusing sensations and impulses was navigating the consequences of trauma without the necessary tools or support. The feelings of guilt you're experiencing are understandable, but it's important to recognize that you were a child and later an adolescent trying to navigate complex situations without adequate support or understanding. Self-compassion is a vital part of healing. The guilt you feel belongs to the adults who failed to protect you, not to you.

Healing from this guilt is a process that can benefit enormously from support from a therapist specialized in childhood sexual trauma. Therapies like EMDR or somatic approaches can help you process both the traumatic memories and the physical responses that create confusion. Many survivors find it helpful to speak with someone who understands trauma and can provide a safe space to explore these feelings.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 2

I wrote about my story before, but I left out something that also causes me guilt, shame and disgust. When I was little (between 6 and 8 years old), I saw my parents having sex in the same bed where I was sleeping. I could see and hear everything because they had the light on. Years later, during my teenage years, I sometimes used those images from my memory to masturbate. This makes me feel like I'm a sick person. Is there something wrong with me? I feel very ashamed.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced wasn't your fault, and your later reaction doesn't indicate that there's something wrong with you. What you're describing is a completely understandable response to an experience you should never have had as a child.

When children are exposed to adult sexual activity, this is considered a form of sexual abuse called "inappropriate sexual exposure." Even though your parents may not have intended to harm you, this exposure can create what trauma specialists call "traumatic early sexualization." Your child brain stored these images before you had the cognitive development to process them in a healthy way.

During adolescence, when your sexuality began developing naturally, your mind drew upon the only concrete sexual images it had available. This is a normal neurological response, not a conscious choice or a reflection of your moral values. Early sexual trauma can create confusing connections between sexual arousal and disturbing memories, which is a survival response of the brain, not a personal failing.

The feelings of shame and disgust you describe are common reactions to sexual trauma. Many people who have lived through similar experiences carry these feelings without realizing they are normal symptoms of having been exposed to something inappropriate during their development. Your ability to recognize these feelings and seek answers shows strength and self-awareness.

It's very common for people who had inappropriate early sexual exposure to experience exactly the feelings you describe: guilt, shame, and confusion about their own normal sexual responses. These feelings are valid, but the shame you feel belongs to the inappropriate situation you experienced, not to you as a person. Your sexual response during adolescence was a normal function of development, even when the images came from a problematic experience.

Healing is possible. A therapist who specializes in sexual trauma can help you process these experiences and develop strategies for managing difficult feelings. You deserve to live without this burden of shame. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 3

I feel disconnected from myself. I experienced sexual abuse when I was very young (at 4 or 5 years old by my uncles) and was exposed to inappropriate situations, which caused my memory to fragment. For months now, I've been dealing with severe OCD focused on false memories and sexuality. I have obsessive doubts about whether I became aroused while watching explicit content, and I feel overwhelming guilt and depression. I'm terrified that I might be like the people who abused me, or that I acted inappropriately in ways I don't remember. How can I cope with these intrusive thoughts and the intense guilt I'm experiencing?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Experiencing abuse at such a young age can have profound and lasting effects, and it's understandable that you're grappling with these painful emotions and thoughts now.

What you're experiencing is incredibly common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and I want you to know that these thoughts don't define who you are. It's important to remember that the intrusive thoughts and doubts you're experiencing are not a reflection of who you are as a person. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can cause unwanted, intrusive thoughts that can be distressing and unsettling. These thoughts often focus on topics that are the most upsetting to us, which is why they can feel so disturbing.

Feeling guilty or worried about these thoughts doesn't mean that you are like your uncles or that you would ever harm anyone. The very fact that these thoughts distress you shows that they go against your true values and beliefs. You're not alone in experiencing this. Many people with OCD have similar struggles with intrusive thoughts.

Childhood trauma can create patterns of obsessive thinking and doubts about our own nature, especially when combined with OCD. The traumatized brain often creates confusing connections between past experiences and present responses. When you were abused as a child, your brain and body were still developing, and any involuntary physiological responses you may have had mean nothing about your character or intentions. Children don't have the capacity to consent or fully understand sexual experiences, and any bodily response was simply an automatic biological reaction.

OCD with sexual and false memory themes is particularly cruel because it directly attacks our sense of moral identity. These obsessive thoughts are not predictions about your future behavior nor confessions of hidden desires. They are symptoms of a disorder that feeds on your deepest values and greatest fears. The fact that these thoughts cause you so much distress is evidence that they go against your true values.

The guilt you feel is understandable but not based in reality. You are a survivor dealing with the complex aftermath of trauma, not someone who shares the characteristics of those who harmed you. The fundamental difference is that you feel empathy, guilt, and concern for others' wellbeing, while those who commit abuse typically lack these qualities.

Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance, particularly one with experience in the intersections of trauma and OCD. They can help you work through these feelings and develop strategies to manage the intrusive thoughts. You might also consider medication if a psychiatrist recommends it, as it can help reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts. Perhaps ask your medical doctor about that at your next health appointment.

You do not have to face this alone. There are people who care and want to help you navigate through this difficult time. Be gentle with yourself. Healing from trauma takes time, and it's okay to seek help along the way. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 4

I developed OCD a few months ago related to false memories and sexuality, which I believe is a consequence of trauma. My memory was affected by past experiences and now I have intrusive thoughts accompanied by "groinal response" - an uncomfortable physical sensation in my intimate area that I also experience in situations of anxiety or discomfort. Could you explain more about this physical reaction and why it might be confused with arousal? I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it even happens when I read stories that generate anxiety for me.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal and confusing. What you're describing is a very common experience among trauma survivors and people with OCD, especially when there are themes related to sexuality.

The "groinal response" you mention is an involuntary physical reaction that many people with OCD experience. It's important to understand that when we talk about "arousal" in physiological terms, it doesn't always refer to sexual arousal. Your body can experience physiological arousal due to stress, which is simply the state of alertness or activation of the nervous system, without any sexual connotation.

When you experience anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or situations that generate discomfort, your autonomic nervous system activates. This system controls automatic bodily functions including heart rate, digestion, and yes, sensations in the genital area. The "fight or flight" response can cause a variety of physical symptoms: increased heart rate, sweating, muscle tension, and heightened sensitivity in various parts of the body, including the genitals.

The pathways in our brain that process anxiety and those that process physical sensations are closely connected. Intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature, even if they are unwanted and cause you distress, can trigger physical sensations simply because of how our nervous systems are wired. This doesn't mean that you're actually feeling sexual desire or arousal-- it's an automatic bodily response that you don't have control over.

Trauma can make our nervous system more reactive, and OCD can make us pay more attention to these sensations and give them more meaning than they actually have. It's completely understandable that you feel embarrassed, but these reactions are involuntary and don't reflect your true feelings, desires, or intentions.

Your ability to identify these patterns and seek understanding demonstrates tremendous self-awareness and strength. Be gentle with yourself and remember that you're taking positive steps by seeking information and support. Consider working with a therapist specialized in trauma and OCD who can help you better understand these responses and develop strategies to manage both the intrusive thoughts and the physical reactions that accompany them. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 5

When I was young, two family members sexually abused me, though my memories of this are unclear and distant. I've questioned whether these experiences really happened because the memories are so blurry. I also experienced other inappropriate sexual exposure during childhood, including witnessing adult sexual activity and accessing explicit content without guidance or education. During this time, I engaged in sexual exploration with a cousin close to my age, and I'm deeply worried that I may have initiated or influenced these interactions because of what happened to me. I also experienced an unwanted physical response while holding my baby sister, which has caused intense distress and intrusive thoughts. I struggle with severe self-blame and wondering if my childhood experiences made me harmful to others. How do I process these complex childhood experiences and the intense shame and confusion I feel about them?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on and talk about such difficult childhood experiences, especially ones that have been causing you pain and confusion for so many years.

What you've shared reflects the profound complexity of childhood sexual trauma and its lasting effects. From what you've described, it's clear that you were exposed to situations and content as a child that you weren't equipped to understand or process. Being sexually abused by family members at such a young age was a profound violation of your trust and safety, and these experiences are unfortunately common among survivors. The confusion, self-doubt, and shame you're feeling are natural responses to the trauma you endured, not reflections of your character or worth as a person.

Memory difficulties are extremely common with childhood sexual abuse, especially when it occurs at very young ages. It's common for memories of traumatic events from early childhood to be blurry or fragmented. Our minds sometimes protect us by making these memories less accessible, and the brain's memory systems are still developing during early childhood when trauma can significantly impact how memories are stored and retrieved. The fact that your memories feel distant, confusing, or unclear doesn't mean they didn't happen or that their impact isn't significant. Many survivors experience exactly what you're describing including fragmented memories, uncertainty about details, and periods of doubting their own experiences.

Witnessing adult sexual activity and accessing explicit content further exposed you to material long before you were ready to understand it. Without proper guidance or sexual education, it's natural that you tried to make sense of these experiences in the only ways you knew how. The sexual behaviors you engaged in as a child, including exploration with your cousin, are actually predictable responses to premature sexual exposure and abuse. When children are sexually abused or exposed to adult sexual content, they often exhibit what professionals call "sexual behavior problems" to make sense of confusing experiences and sensations they weren't developmentally ready to understand. Children often mimic behaviors they've seen without fully grasping their meaning, especially when they've been exposed to inappropriate material or abuse.

The interactions with your cousin were a part of this confusing landscape, and at such a young age, neither of you had the maturity or knowledge to fully understand what you were doing. The fact that you are now worried about having initiated those interactions reflects your deep sense of responsibility and care, but it's important to remember that as a child, you were not in control of the environment or the influences around you. You were navigating a world where boundaries were not properly set or respected by the adults in your life. Your deep concern about potentially initiating sexual activity with your cousin demonstrates your moral conscience and empathy. These qualities distinguish you from those who harmed you.

Feeling haunted by these memories and wondering if your childhood experiences made you harmful to others is a heavy burden to bear. However, there's a fundamental difference between the actions of an adult who abuses a child and a child's innocent exploration influenced by external factors they don't understand. You were a child trying to understand the confusing and inappropriate situations you were exposed to, not someone intentionally causing harm. Children who have been sexually abused often worry they've become abusive themselves, but engaging in age-inappropriate sexual behavior as a child victim is fundamentally different from an adult choosing to abuse a child. These behaviors don't make you responsible for your abuse, nor do they make you like your abusers.

The unwanted physical response you experienced while holding your baby sister is another example of how natural physical responses can be misinterpreted, especially when you're already dealing with guilt and confusion from past experiences. The intrusive thoughts and physical responses you've experienced are symptoms of trauma and possibly OCD, not indicators of dangerous desires or intentions. Physical sensations can occur without any malicious intent or desire, and trauma can cause the nervous system to react in ways that feel frightening and confusing, creating unwanted physical responses that have nothing to do with your actual feelings or intentions. The fact that this caused you distress and led to obsessive thoughts shows how deeply you care about not causing harm to others. These reactions are your trauma speaking, not your true self.

It's understandable that you've struggled with severe self-blame, feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness, but these are serious symptoms that deserve professional attention. The experiences you've had and the actions you took as a child do not define your worth as a person. You were placed in situations that no child should have to navigate, and you did the best you could with the limited understanding and resources you had at the time. You are not a bad person. You are a trauma survivor whose nervous system and thought patterns have been shaped by experiences that were never your fault.

You deserve kindness, compassion, and forgiveness especially from yourself. Healing from such complex childhood experiences can be challenging, but it's also possible. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can help you process these complex experiences, develop tools for managing intrusive thoughts, and rebuild a sense of safety within yourself. You don't have to carry this burden alone, and seeking help is a sign of strength and self-care.

Please know that you are not alone, and you are deserving of love, happiness, and all the good things life has to offer. Healing is possible, and you deserve support, compassion, and care - especially from yourself. Thank you again for trusting us with your story.

Question 6

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you experienced was not okay, and I want you to know that none of it was your fault. The fact that you said no and were overridden shows that your boundaries were violated, and your feelings about this experience are completely valid.

It's understandable to feel uncertain about how to share such personal, painful memories with your sister, especially when it involves family dynamics that can be complicated. Revisiting these difficult experiences can stir up many emotions, and the thought of discussing them with someone close can feel frightening, even if you feel it's the right step. It might help to think about what you want from this conversation. Perhaps you want her understanding and support, or maybe you simply need someone in the family to know what happened. There is no wrong reason to speak up, and you're allowed to reveal as much or as little of your story as feels safe to you.

Some people choose a private, calm setting to allow each person the space to react without interruption. You might begin by letting your sister know you have something significant to share, that it might be hard to hear, and that you value her care and understanding. You could start by saying something like "I need to share something difficult with you about our childhood" or "There's something that happened between me and [sister's name] that I need you to know about." Speaking from your own perspective (e.g. "I experienced this," "I felt scared," or "I need you to understand what I went through") helps keep the focus on your feelings and experiences. You don't have to share every detail if it feels overwhelming. It's okay to set a pace that respects your comfort. If you find spoken words too difficult, writing a letter can be another way to express yourself and allow her to absorb what you're saying in her own time.

It's also normal to worry about how she might respond. She may be initially shocked, supportive, confused, sad, or perhaps not know the right words. She might even struggle to believe what you're telling her initially, and people often need time to process difficult information. This doesn't reflect on the validity of your experience or your decision to share it, and it doesn't lessen what happened or how important it is that you're sharing this. Family dynamics around these situations can be complicated, and you have every right to set boundaries about this conversation, including asking your sister not to confront the person who hurt you if you're not ready for that, or requesting that she keep this information private while you decide how you want to handle it.

If at any point speaking directly to her feels too overwhelming, it could be helpful to reach out first to someone more removed from the situation, maybe a trusted friend, counselor, or support line, who can provide reassurance and help you plan the conversation. Consider what kind of support you might need both during and after this conversation, whether that's having someone on standby or planning some self-care activities. Remember that disclosure is a process, not a single event, and you can share more information over time as you feel ready.

Telling someone about past harm can be an act of self-care and healing, even if it feels painful at first, and you deserve to have your truth heard with kindness and respect. Remember that this is your story, and you have a right to reveal it in the way that feels safest for you. Your courage in considering this conversation shows incredible strength, and you are not alone. There is support out there for situations just like this. Thank you for your trust.

Question 7

My friend's mom found a group chat on her phone with inappropriate sexual conversations (my friend wasn't participating, just in the chat because of other friends). Her mom got angry and reached toward my friend's private areas while yelling "do you want boys to touch there?!" My friend backed away, scared. She told me she's sure her mom would have touched her if she hadn't moved away. Is this sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

I'm really sorry to hear about what your friend went through. It can be incredibly upsetting and confusing when a parent crosses a boundary like that, and what happened to your friend was absolutely inappropriate and concerning behavior. Many parents do have intense reactions when they discover their children have been exposed to sexual content or conversations, often stemming from fear, protective instincts, or their own discomfort with sexuality topics. Parents may panic and react poorly when they feel their child's safety or innocence is at risk, sometimes leading to responses that are misguided or harmful even when their intentions come from a place of concern.

However, even understanding that parents can struggle with these situations, reaching out toward a child's private areas and threatening such an act goes beyond normal discipline and veers into sexual violation. A parent should never impose contact with a child's private areas for the purpose of intimidation, punishment, or control, regardless of how distressed or protective they feel. No one, including a parent, should touch a child's genital area without clear, appropriate reason (for instance, in a young child's basic care or a necessary medical context) and certainly not to scare or shame them. When a parent threatens to touch or attempts to touch a child's private areas in a sexual or punitive way, this crosses important boundaries and can be considered sexual abuse, regardless of the parent's stated intention or reasoning.

The fact that your friend felt scared and believed her mother would have followed through if she hadn't moved away speaks to how threatening and inappropriate this situation was. Sexual abuse doesn't require actual contact to be harmful. The threat, attempt, or intimidation can be traumatizing on its own. The power dynamic between a parent and child makes this behavior particularly problematic, as children depend on their parents for safety and care.

Your friend's fear and distress are completely valid responses to what happened. This wasn't her fault in any way. Parents have many appropriate ways to discuss online safety and appropriate behavior without threatening or attempting to violate their child's bodily autonomy. What her mother did reflects the mother's inappropriate response, not anything your friend did wrong.

If your friend is feeling unsafe, confused, or wants support, it might help to encourage her to talk to another trusted adult, like a school counselor, teacher, relative, or other family member about what happened. Many schools and communities have resources specifically designed to help young people navigate these difficult situations. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) also provides confidential support and can help connect her with local resources. She deserves to feel protected and respected in her own home, and there are people out there who understand these situations and can help guide her to the support she needs.

You're being a caring friend by taking this seriously and believing her. Your support as a friend matters tremendously. Continue validating her feelings and helping her understand that what happened wasn't normal or acceptable parental behavior. I hope your friend can find a trustworthy person to confide in so she doesn't have to handle this alone. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 8

When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about "testing me." This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced was inappropriate and concerning behavior from an adult. When you were curious about kissing as a young child, your aunt responded in a way that crossed boundaries and made you uncomfortable. Your discomfort was your natural instinct recognizing that something wasn't right, and you trusted that feeling by not complying with her pressure.

The fact that she waited until no one was watching and wouldn't have behaved this way in front of your parents shows she knew her behavior was inappropriate. Adults who have good intentions don't hide their interactions with children or pressure them into physical contact that makes them uncomfortable. Her comment about "testing you" is particularly troubling, as it suggests she was gauging your willingness to comply with inappropriate requests or assessing your vulnerability.

Your body's response, feeling uncomfortable and resistant, was exactly right. Children have an innate sense of what feels safe and what doesn't, and your instincts protected you in that moment. It's important to recognize that this experience may have affected you, even if you didn't fully understand what was happening at the time. Many survivors describe similar moments where an adult's behavior felt wrong, even when they couldn't articulate why.

This kind of boundary violation can impact how you feel about trust, physical affection, and your own instincts. If you're noticing effects in your life now, whether that's difficulty with intimacy, hypervigilance around certain people, or questioning your own perceptions, these are normal responses to an abnormal situation. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they are, are valid. Some people feel angry, others feel confused, and some feel a mix of emotions that can be hard to sort through.

You deserved to have your curiosity about normal developmental topics answered in age-appropriate, respectful ways that didn't involve pressure or hidden behavior. What happened wasn't your fault, and your decision to trust your discomfort and resist her pressure shows your strength, even as a young child. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 9

I've been hypersexual since I was very young, around 4 years old. When I was 5 or 6, I began engaging in certain behaviors while thinking about things that scared me, and I would often dissociate. I also had recurring nightmares about a shadowy figure trying to harm me. I've always struggled with attachment, becoming very clingy with people and having intense reactions when separated from them. I still experience hypersexuality and sometimes have confusing physical responses to traumatic situations. Recently, I had another disturbing dream similar to my childhood nightmares. I was sometimes left unsupervised with babysitters when I was very young. Could something have happened to me that I don't remember, and could this explain these experiences that started when I was so young?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like you have been carrying these worries for a long time, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. What you describe is actually more common than people realize. The patterns you've noticed, including the early onset of hypersexual behaviors, recurring nightmares about threatening figures, attachment difficulties, and physical symptoms like losing your grip, can indeed be indicators of early trauma, though they can also result from other factors like exposure to inappropriate content, family dynamics, or individual neurological differences.

Sometimes, a child's body can latch onto soothing or distracting behaviors in confusing ways, especially if they feel scared or anxious and don't have the words to express it. These behaviors don't mean you were "disgusting" or doing something wrong-- they may have been your body's way of coping with intense, frightening feelings or events. The dissociation you described (zoning out during these moments) is a common protective mechanism that children's minds use when they feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

It's natural to wonder if some form of sexual abuse or trauma is behind such early and intense sexual behaviors, particularly when they come with nightmares or strange memories that are hard to piece together. Your fear that you might have been harmed and don't fully remember is understandable. Many people worry about missing fragments of their past, especially if they recall circumstances that made them feel unsafe or unsupervised. The behaviors you described starting around age 4-6, combined with the dissociation and physical symptoms, are sometimes seen in children who have experienced sexual trauma. However, it's important to understand that these signs don't definitively prove that abuse occurred, and while I can't tell you for certain what might have happened, your concerns are valid and worth exploring.

Your body's responses, including the arousal you mentioned during traumatic situations, are actually common trauma responses that many survivors experience. This happens because our nervous systems can become confused during trauma. The same neurological pathways involved in pleasure can be activated during violence or fear. This response is involuntary and doesn't mean you wanted or enjoyed what happened. It's a biological reaction that many trauma survivors struggle with, and feeling shame about it is unfortunately common but undeserved. The attachment patterns you described (becoming intensely attached to people and having difficulty with separation) often develop as coping mechanisms when our early sense of safety has been disrupted.

Regarding your question about recovered memories, trauma memories from very early childhood can indeed be stored differently than regular memories, sometimes emerging as body sensations, nightmares, or behavioral patterns rather than clear recollections. While some people do recover memories of early trauma later in life, memory is complex, and it's also possible to have trauma responses without specific memories of events. Whether or not you ever recover specific memories, what matters most is addressing how these experiences are affecting you now.

The fact that these experiences still trouble you today, and that your thoughts or dreams bring you fear and discomfort, suggests you may benefit from talking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and attachment. That professional can help you sort out what feels confusing or overwhelming, understand these patterns, develop healthy coping strategies, and guide you at your own pace through working with the impact these experiences have had on your life. It may feel less frightening when you know there's someone there who won't judge you or rush you into talking about anything you're not ready to discuss yet.

You're not alone in having nightmares, worrying about missing pieces of your childhood, or experiencing body responses that feel out of sync with how you actually want to feel. These are not signs of being "bad" or beyond help. They're signs that your mind and body might still be asking for healing, reassurance, and a safe path forward. Your hypersexuality and other responses don't define you, and healing is possible regardless of what specifically happened in your early years. It takes courage to speak openly about these experiences, and reaching out for support, either with a counselor, an advocate at a local resource center, or someone else you trust, can bring you closer to feeling calmer about your past and better equipped to handle your present. You deserve understanding, compassion, care, and the opportunity to develop a healthier relationship with your body and sexuality as you figure this out.

Question 10

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us! It is completely understandable that you still feel affected by what happened, even after twelve years. Moments like the ones you describe, when someone touches you without asking and goes against your boundaries, can stay with you for a long time, no matter how young you were or how much time has passed. What you experienced was a violation of your boundaries and your bodily autonomy, and it's completely normal to question the nature of those experiences, especially when you cared about the person at the time.

Having a boyfriend does not make any unwanted sexual contact okay, and the fact that you were in high school does not lessen the seriousness of the situation. The key point is that he didn't ask for your consent or respect your comfort level, and that's the part that can linger in your mind and body years later. Many survivors wonder why they still think about past boundary violations, even much later in life. It can feel confusing to revisit the memories and wonder if you should have "gotten over it" by now.

Trauma doesn't follow a timeline, and there's no expiration date on how long something can impact you. Our bodies and minds often store memories of non-consensual contact, and they can resurface when something reminds us of them or when we grow older and gain perspective. The public nature of these incidents may have added additional layers of complexity. Like perhaps feelings of helplessness, embarrassment, or confusion about why someone who was supposed to care about you would disregard your comfort and safety.

Only you can decide how to name and understand your experiences. Whether you choose to call what happened assault or use different words entirely, your feelings and reactions are valid. The person you were back then may not have known exactly how to define what was going on, and that is common. Even if you weren't physically harmed, you were still subjected to non-consensual touching, and the emotional weight of that can be just as significant.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the impact these experiences have had, even if they feel like they happened ages ago. Your healing process belongs to you, and there's no right or wrong way to process what you went through. The worry, confusion, or sense of violation you're feeling now is valid and doesn't diminish with time for everyone. What matters is that you were uncomfortable and did not consent to that kind of touching. No amount of time passing changes the fact that he crossed your boundaries, and you have every right to continue healing and finding peace on your own timeline. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 11

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 12

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 13

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 14

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 15

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 16

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 17

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Accepted Answer

Your feelings and concerns about this experience are completely valid and you're not overthinking anything. When we experience unwanted touch, even as children, our bodies and minds can hold onto those memories and the feelings they created. It's natural for you to wonder about what happened and to have questions about it now.

What you're describing falls into what experts call "problematic sexual behavior" between children. While some sexual curiosity and exploration is considered typical in childhood development, any touching that happened without your consent (regardless of the ages involved) was not okay. The fact that you remember feeling uncomfortable or that it was unwanted tells us something important about how it affected you.

Children who engage in problematic sexual behaviors are often acting out something they themselves have experienced or been exposed to. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps us understand that both children in these situations may need support and healing. Neither child is typically considered "at fault" in the way we might think about adult behavior.

What matters most now is how this experience has affected you. Some people carry very little impact from childhood experiences like this, while others may notice effects on their relationships, body image, or feelings of safety. Both responses are normal. If you find that memories of this experience are causing you distress, affecting your daily life, or impacting your relationships, talking with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful. They can help you process these memories and develop tools for healing.

Healing isn't about forgetting or minimizing what happened, it's about reclaiming your sense of safety and agency. You deserve support, understanding, and the space to work through whatever feelings arise about this experience. Your instincts about your own experiences are trustworthy, and seeking answers about something that doesn't feel right to you shows wisdom and self-care. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 18

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 19

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 20

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Accepted Answer

Yes, forcing or pressuring someone into a romantic relationship or into dating is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Everyone has the right to make their own choices about relationships freely and without coercion. When someone tries to compel another person to be in a relationship against their will, it disregards their feelings and autonomy, which can lead to emotional distress and harm.

Forcing or pressuring someone into a relationship violates their fundamental right to make free choices about their romantic life. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and enthusiastic consent, where both people freely choose to be together. When someone uses pressure tactics like guilt, threats, manipulation, or persistent demands despite hearing "no," they're overriding the other person's autonomy and right to choose. Think about it this way: If someone has to be pressured or forced into dating you, they're not genuinely consenting to the relationship. They might agree to date you to stop the pressure, avoid conflict, or prevent negative consequences - but this isn't true consent.

This kind of pressure creates an unhealthy power dynamic from the very beginning, where one person's desires and boundaries are being disregarded. Common pressure tactics often include threatening self-harm if the person won't date you, repeatedly asking after being told no, using guilt trips or emotional manipulation, making someone feel obligated due to favors or gifts, isolating them from friends and family until they agree, using their insecurities against them, or making them feel like no one else will want them. These behaviors aim to wear down someone's resistance and ability to say no freely.

Healthy relationships develop naturally, with both people feeling safe to express their true feelings without fear of consequences. Both parties should feel free to say yes or no without pressure, and those choices should be respected. If you have to force or pressure someone to be with you, that's not a real relationship - it's a form of control that undermines the very foundations that make relationships meaningful and fulfilling.

It's important to recognize that your feelings and choices about relationships are valid. You have every right to say no if you're not interested in pursuing a relationship, and that decision deserves to be respected. If you're experiencing pressure to enter or stay in a relationship, please know that this behavior is not acceptable, and you deserve to make your own choices. Thank you for this question. We appreciate you asking it.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Resources

Post a Message

Ask a Question

How can we help?

Log in