Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you experienced was not okay, and I want you to know that none of it was your fault. The fact that you said no and were overridden shows that your boundaries were violated, and your feelings about this experience are completely valid.

It's understandable to feel uncertain about how to share such personal, painful memories with your sister, especially when it involves family dynamics that can be complicated. Revisiting these difficult experiences can stir up many emotions, and the thought of discussing them with someone close can feel frightening, even if you feel it's the right step. It might help to think about what you want from this conversation. Perhaps you want her understanding and support, or maybe you simply need someone in the family to know what happened. There is no wrong reason to speak up, and you're allowed to reveal as much or as little of your story as feels safe to you.

Some people choose a private, calm setting to allow each person the space to react without interruption. You might begin by letting your sister know you have something significant to share, that it might be hard to hear, and that you value her care and understanding. You could start by saying something like "I need to share something difficult with you about our childhood" or "There's something that happened between me and [sister's name] that I need you to know about." Speaking from your own perspective (e.g. "I experienced this," "I felt scared," or "I need you to understand what I went through") helps keep the focus on your feelings and experiences. You don't have to share every detail if it feels overwhelming. It's okay to set a pace that respects your comfort. If you find spoken words too difficult, writing a letter can be another way to express yourself and allow her to absorb what you're saying in her own time.

It's also normal to worry about how she might respond. She may be initially shocked, supportive, confused, sad, or perhaps not know the right words. She might even struggle to believe what you're telling her initially, and people often need time to process difficult information. This doesn't reflect on the validity of your experience or your decision to share it, and it doesn't lessen what happened or how important it is that you're sharing this. Family dynamics around these situations can be complicated, and you have every right to set boundaries about this conversation, including asking your sister not to confront the person who hurt you if you're not ready for that, or requesting that she keep this information private while you decide how you want to handle it.

If at any point speaking directly to her feels too overwhelming, it could be helpful to reach out first to someone more removed from the situation, maybe a trusted friend, counselor, or support line, who can provide reassurance and help you plan the conversation. Consider what kind of support you might need both during and after this conversation, whether that's having someone on standby or planning some self-care activities. Remember that disclosure is a process, not a single event, and you can share more information over time as you feel ready.

Telling someone about past harm can be an act of self-care and healing, even if it feels painful at first, and you deserve to have your truth heard with kindness and respect. Remember that this is your story, and you have a right to reveal it in the way that feels safest for you. Your courage in considering this conversation shows incredible strength, and you are not alone. There is support out there for situations just like this. Thank you for your trust.

Question 2

My friend's mom found a group chat on her phone with inappropriate sexual conversations (my friend wasn't participating, just in the chat because of other friends). Her mom got angry and reached toward my friend's private areas while yelling "do you want boys to touch there?!" My friend backed away, scared. She told me she's sure her mom would have touched her if she hadn't moved away. Is this sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

I'm really sorry to hear about what your friend went through. It can be incredibly upsetting and confusing when a parent crosses a boundary like that, and what happened to your friend was absolutely inappropriate and concerning behavior. Many parents do have intense reactions when they discover their children have been exposed to sexual content or conversations, often stemming from fear, protective instincts, or their own discomfort with sexuality topics. Parents may panic and react poorly when they feel their child's safety or innocence is at risk, sometimes leading to responses that are misguided or harmful even when their intentions come from a place of concern.

However, even understanding that parents can struggle with these situations, reaching out toward a child's private areas and threatening such an act goes beyond normal discipline and veers into sexual violation. A parent should never impose contact with a child's private areas for the purpose of intimidation, punishment, or control, regardless of how distressed or protective they feel. No one, including a parent, should touch a child's genital area without clear, appropriate reason (for instance, in a young child's basic care or a necessary medical context) and certainly not to scare or shame them. When a parent threatens to touch or attempts to touch a child's private areas in a sexual or punitive way, this crosses important boundaries and can be considered sexual abuse, regardless of the parent's stated intention or reasoning.

The fact that your friend felt scared and believed her mother would have followed through if she hadn't moved away speaks to how threatening and inappropriate this situation was. Sexual abuse doesn't require actual contact to be harmful. The threat, attempt, or intimidation can be traumatizing on its own. The power dynamic between a parent and child makes this behavior particularly problematic, as children depend on their parents for safety and care.

Your friend's fear and distress are completely valid responses to what happened. This wasn't her fault in any way. Parents have many appropriate ways to discuss online safety and appropriate behavior without threatening or attempting to violate their child's bodily autonomy. What her mother did reflects the mother's inappropriate response, not anything your friend did wrong.

If your friend is feeling unsafe, confused, or wants support, it might help to encourage her to talk to another trusted adult, like a school counselor, teacher, relative, or other family member about what happened. Many schools and communities have resources specifically designed to help young people navigate these difficult situations. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) also provides confidential support and can help connect her with local resources. She deserves to feel protected and respected in her own home, and there are people out there who understand these situations and can help guide her to the support she needs.

You're being a caring friend by taking this seriously and believing her. Your support as a friend matters tremendously. Continue validating her feelings and helping her understand that what happened wasn't normal or acceptable parental behavior. I hope your friend can find a trustworthy person to confide in so she doesn't have to handle this alone. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 3

When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about "testing me." This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced was inappropriate and concerning behavior from an adult. When you were curious about kissing as a young child, your aunt responded in a way that crossed boundaries and made you uncomfortable. Your discomfort was your natural instinct recognizing that something wasn't right, and you trusted that feeling by not complying with her pressure.

The fact that she waited until no one was watching and wouldn't have behaved this way in front of your parents shows she knew her behavior was inappropriate. Adults who have good intentions don't hide their interactions with children or pressure them into physical contact that makes them uncomfortable. Her comment about "testing you" is particularly troubling, as it suggests she was gauging your willingness to comply with inappropriate requests or assessing your vulnerability.

Your body's response, feeling uncomfortable and resistant, was exactly right. Children have an innate sense of what feels safe and what doesn't, and your instincts protected you in that moment. It's important to recognize that this experience may have affected you, even if you didn't fully understand what was happening at the time. Many survivors describe similar moments where an adult's behavior felt wrong, even when they couldn't articulate why.

This kind of boundary violation can impact how you feel about trust, physical affection, and your own instincts. If you're noticing effects in your life now, whether that's difficulty with intimacy, hypervigilance around certain people, or questioning your own perceptions, these are normal responses to an abnormal situation. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they are, are valid. Some people feel angry, others feel confused, and some feel a mix of emotions that can be hard to sort through.

You deserved to have your curiosity about normal developmental topics answered in age-appropriate, respectful ways that didn't involve pressure or hidden behavior. What happened wasn't your fault, and your decision to trust your discomfort and resist her pressure shows your strength, even as a young child. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 4

I've been hypersexual since I was very young, around 4 years old. When I was 5 or 6, I began engaging in certain behaviors while thinking about things that scared me, and I would often dissociate. I also had recurring nightmares about a shadowy figure trying to harm me. I've always struggled with attachment, becoming very clingy with people and having intense reactions when separated from them. I still experience hypersexuality and sometimes have confusing physical responses to traumatic situations. Recently, I had another disturbing dream similar to my childhood nightmares. I was sometimes left unsupervised with babysitters when I was very young. Could something have happened to me that I don't remember, and could this explain these experiences that started when I was so young?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like you have been carrying these worries for a long time, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. What you describe is actually more common than people realize. The patterns you've noticed, including the early onset of hypersexual behaviors, recurring nightmares about threatening figures, attachment difficulties, and physical symptoms like losing your grip, can indeed be indicators of early trauma, though they can also result from other factors like exposure to inappropriate content, family dynamics, or individual neurological differences.

Sometimes, a child's body can latch onto soothing or distracting behaviors in confusing ways, especially if they feel scared or anxious and don't have the words to express it. These behaviors don't mean you were "disgusting" or doing something wrong-- they may have been your body's way of coping with intense, frightening feelings or events. The dissociation you described (zoning out during these moments) is a common protective mechanism that children's minds use when they feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

It's natural to wonder if some form of sexual abuse or trauma is behind such early and intense sexual behaviors, particularly when they come with nightmares or strange memories that are hard to piece together. Your fear that you might have been harmed and don't fully remember is understandable. Many people worry about missing fragments of their past, especially if they recall circumstances that made them feel unsafe or unsupervised. The behaviors you described starting around age 4-6, combined with the dissociation and physical symptoms, are sometimes seen in children who have experienced sexual trauma. However, it's important to understand that these signs don't definitively prove that abuse occurred, and while I can't tell you for certain what might have happened, your concerns are valid and worth exploring.

Your body's responses, including the arousal you mentioned during traumatic situations, are actually common trauma responses that many survivors experience. This happens because our nervous systems can become confused during trauma. The same neurological pathways involved in pleasure can be activated during violence or fear. This response is involuntary and doesn't mean you wanted or enjoyed what happened. It's a biological reaction that many trauma survivors struggle with, and feeling shame about it is unfortunately common but undeserved. The attachment patterns you described (becoming intensely attached to people and having difficulty with separation) often develop as coping mechanisms when our early sense of safety has been disrupted.

Regarding your question about recovered memories, trauma memories from very early childhood can indeed be stored differently than regular memories, sometimes emerging as body sensations, nightmares, or behavioral patterns rather than clear recollections. While some people do recover memories of early trauma later in life, memory is complex, and it's also possible to have trauma responses without specific memories of events. Whether or not you ever recover specific memories, what matters most is addressing how these experiences are affecting you now.

The fact that these experiences still trouble you today, and that your thoughts or dreams bring you fear and discomfort, suggests you may benefit from talking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and attachment. That professional can help you sort out what feels confusing or overwhelming, understand these patterns, develop healthy coping strategies, and guide you at your own pace through working with the impact these experiences have had on your life. It may feel less frightening when you know there's someone there who won't judge you or rush you into talking about anything you're not ready to discuss yet.

You're not alone in having nightmares, worrying about missing pieces of your childhood, or experiencing body responses that feel out of sync with how you actually want to feel. These are not signs of being "bad" or beyond help. They're signs that your mind and body might still be asking for healing, reassurance, and a safe path forward. Your hypersexuality and other responses don't define you, and healing is possible regardless of what specifically happened in your early years. It takes courage to speak openly about these experiences, and reaching out for support, either with a counselor, an advocate at a local resource center, or someone else you trust, can bring you closer to feeling calmer about your past and better equipped to handle your present. You deserve understanding, compassion, care, and the opportunity to develop a healthier relationship with your body and sexuality as you figure this out.

Question 5

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us! It is completely understandable that you still feel affected by what happened, even after twelve years. Moments like the ones you describe, when someone touches you without asking and goes against your boundaries, can stay with you for a long time, no matter how young you were or how much time has passed. What you experienced was a violation of your boundaries and your bodily autonomy, and it's completely normal to question the nature of those experiences, especially when you cared about the person at the time.

Having a boyfriend does not make any unwanted sexual contact okay, and the fact that you were in high school does not lessen the seriousness of the situation. The key point is that he didn't ask for your consent or respect your comfort level, and that's the part that can linger in your mind and body years later. Many survivors wonder why they still think about past boundary violations, even much later in life. It can feel confusing to revisit the memories and wonder if you should have "gotten over it" by now.

Trauma doesn't follow a timeline, and there's no expiration date on how long something can impact you. Our bodies and minds often store memories of non-consensual contact, and they can resurface when something reminds us of them or when we grow older and gain perspective. The public nature of these incidents may have added additional layers of complexity. Like perhaps feelings of helplessness, embarrassment, or confusion about why someone who was supposed to care about you would disregard your comfort and safety.

Only you can decide how to name and understand your experiences. Whether you choose to call what happened assault or use different words entirely, your feelings and reactions are valid. The person you were back then may not have known exactly how to define what was going on, and that is common. Even if you weren't physically harmed, you were still subjected to non-consensual touching, and the emotional weight of that can be just as significant.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the impact these experiences have had, even if they feel like they happened ages ago. Your healing process belongs to you, and there's no right or wrong way to process what you went through. The worry, confusion, or sense of violation you're feeling now is valid and doesn't diminish with time for everyone. What matters is that you were uncomfortable and did not consent to that kind of touching. No amount of time passing changes the fact that he crossed your boundaries, and you have every right to continue healing and finding peace on your own timeline. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 6

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 7

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 8

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 9

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 10

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 11

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 12

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 13

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 14

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. While we cannot label your experience for you, we can provide some context that may help you process it.

Sexual interactions between young children, even if seemingly consensual, are complicated by several factors. Children typically lack the maturity and understanding to truly consent to sexual activities. Power dynamics can exist even between children of similar ages, especially with family members. Additionally, it's worth noting that some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of similar ages can be a normal part of development, though the appropriateness can vary greatly depending on the specific circumstances and ages involved.

It's common for people's feelings about childhood experiences to change as they age and gain new perspectives. What might have seemed okay or normal at the time can later feel confusing or uncomfortable as we develop a more mature understanding of boundaries and sexuality. If you began feeling uncomfortable but continued without expressing this discomfort, what you experienced may not necessarily qualify as sexual assault in the traditional sense. However, your feelings of discomfort are valid and important. It's common for children in these situations to struggle with expressing their changing feelings or understanding what's happening.

It's crucial to remember that you're not at fault for these experiences or your reactions to them. Children often don't have the tools to navigate such complex situations. If these experiences are causing you distress now, it may be helpful to speak with a counselor or therapist who specializes in childhood experiences and family dynamics. They can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and help you process these memories in a healthy way.

Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay if they're complex or have changed over time. Healing and understanding are possible, and professional support can be very beneficial in this process. While I know we did not provide any definitive answers, I hope we provided some helpful information to help you as you navigate this situation. Thanks for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 15

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Accepted Answer

Yes, forcing or pressuring someone into a romantic relationship or into dating is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Everyone has the right to make their own choices about relationships freely and without coercion. When someone tries to compel another person to be in a relationship against their will, it disregards their feelings and autonomy, which can lead to emotional distress and harm.

Forcing or pressuring someone into a relationship violates their fundamental right to make free choices about their romantic life. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and enthusiastic consent, where both people freely choose to be together. When someone uses pressure tactics like guilt, threats, manipulation, or persistent demands despite hearing "no," they're overriding the other person's autonomy and right to choose. Think about it this way: If someone has to be pressured or forced into dating you, they're not genuinely consenting to the relationship. They might agree to date you to stop the pressure, avoid conflict, or prevent negative consequences - but this isn't true consent.

This kind of pressure creates an unhealthy power dynamic from the very beginning, where one person's desires and boundaries are being disregarded. Common pressure tactics often include threatening self-harm if the person won't date you, repeatedly asking after being told no, using guilt trips or emotional manipulation, making someone feel obligated due to favors or gifts, isolating them from friends and family until they agree, using their insecurities against them, or making them feel like no one else will want them. These behaviors aim to wear down someone's resistance and ability to say no freely.

Healthy relationships develop naturally, with both people feeling safe to express their true feelings without fear of consequences. Both parties should feel free to say yes or no without pressure, and those choices should be respected. If you have to force or pressure someone to be with you, that's not a real relationship - it's a form of control that undermines the very foundations that make relationships meaningful and fulfilling.

It's important to recognize that your feelings and choices about relationships are valid. You have every right to say no if you're not interested in pursuing a relationship, and that decision deserves to be respected. If you're experiencing pressure to enter or stay in a relationship, please know that this behavior is not acceptable, and you deserve to make your own choices. Thank you for this question. We appreciate you asking it.

Question 16

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

Accepted Answer

It can feel really daunting to share your trauma history with your parents. You may feel that you need to protect them. You may feel angry at them for not noticing you were struggling. You may worry they will judge you or not believe you. You may also feel some relief or hope that they will understand or support you. Whatever you are feeling. It is valid.

The first thing to remember is that your story is yours and yours alone. Whether you want to tell your parents immediately, much later, or not at all is your choice. If you’re feeling ready to tell them about what happened, here are some things to think about.

What you share about your story is completely up to you. Even if they ask for details, it may just be because they do not know what to say and want to understand. Still, just because they ask, doesn’t mean you need to say more than you planned. Example wording to use could be “I wanted to tell you what happened to me but I don’t feel comfortable sharing any details right now.”

The way you choose to tell them is also up to you. It can be in-person, over the phone, or in a letter. There are benefits and drawbacks to all options but only you know what will work for you. No matter how you choose to tell your parents, it is a good idea to set some ground rules first.

If you choose to disclose in person, timing and location is important. You want to ensure they can give you their full attention and have time to process afterwards. Thus, if they are about to run out the door, go to sleep, or are intoxicated, consider waiting for a better time. If you feel safe with your parents, choose a private, quiet place to talk. If you fear they might become angry or violent, a public location may be safer and you might want to have support on standby.

You deserve to feel heard and understood when telling your story. However, not everyone responds well to disclosures and the conversation may not go the way you hope. The parent you tell may feel many emotions. While this is normal, it can shift the conversation away from you and onto them. They may express anger, guilt, disbelief, or confusion. If they are taking up too much space with their emotions, redirect the conversation to you and your feelings.

Your parent might also express doubt or blame. This says more about them than you. Resist the urge to internalize these responses. If your parents aren't supportive, that doesn’t mean that others won’t be. Research shows finding at least one trusted support can really help the healing process.

It is also important to note that even if the conversation does go well, it can still be an emotional experience. Thus it is important to take care of yourself afterwards no matter what the outcome. There are many people out there who love and care about you. You are not alone. If you want to practice telling your story of trauma or healing anonymously, and learn from the disclosures of others, you can practice through our storysharing site. We see you. We hear you. We believe you.

Question 17

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Accepted Answer

Your feelings and concerns about this experience are completely valid and you're not overthinking anything. When we experience unwanted touch, even as children, our bodies and minds can hold onto those memories and the feelings they created. It's natural for you to wonder about what happened and to have questions about it now.

What you're describing falls into what experts call "problematic sexual behavior" between children. While some sexual curiosity and exploration is considered typical in childhood development, any touching that happened without your consent (regardless of the ages involved) was not okay. The fact that you remember feeling uncomfortable or that it was unwanted tells us something important about how it affected you.

Children who engage in problematic sexual behaviors are often acting out something they themselves have experienced or been exposed to. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps us understand that both children in these situations may need support and healing. Neither child is typically considered "at fault" in the way we might think about adult behavior.

What matters most now is how this experience has affected you. Some people carry very little impact from childhood experiences like this, while others may notice effects on their relationships, body image, or feelings of safety. Both responses are normal. If you find that memories of this experience are causing you distress, affecting your daily life, or impacting your relationships, talking with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful. They can help you process these memories and develop tools for healing.

Healing isn't about forgetting or minimizing what happened, it's about reclaiming your sense of safety and agency. You deserve support, understanding, and the space to work through whatever feelings arise about this experience. Your instincts about your own experiences are trustworthy, and seeking answers about something that doesn't feel right to you shows wisdom and self-care. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 18

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 19

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Question 20

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

Accepted Answer

First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion.

Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum.  By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

Sexual coercion can look different depending on the situation. Examples can include someone saying “You would do it if you loved me” or “You owe me.” Sexual coercion can also involve giving you drugs and alcohol to loosen up your inhibitions.

Anyone can be sexually coercive - a significant other, boss, friend. However, sexual coercion often results from some sort of power imbalance, whether it is your landlord offering an alternative to paying rent or your partner threatening a breakup.

No one has a right to your body, even if you are in a relationship or have previously consented to sex with this person. If your partner is constantly demanding sex, manipulating your birth control, or not relenting until you give in, this may also be considered sexual coercion.

Being coerced into sexual activities is manipulative and could even be considered abusive. When it comes to sexual activities, remember that you deserve to have a voice and should not have to do anything you don’t want to do.

In a healthy relationship, consent is an ongoing process. Establish boundaries with your partner early and try to be clear, honest, and direct if you don’t want to do something. If your partner is not listening to you, that may be a sign that you should leave the situation.

No matter what the situation is, it is okay to feel confused or upset. If you need more help figuring out if what happened to you is coercive, talk to a trusted professional. We believe you and you do not need to go through this alone.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

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