Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

Am I really a survivor if it happened online and I was never physically touched?

Accepted Answer

Absolutely. In this digital age, the concept of sexual violence has expanded beyond physical encounters to include online spaces. Online sexual violence refers to any non-consensual sexual activity or behavior that takes place over digital platforms, including social media, messaging apps, virtual reality platforms, and online forums. Online sexual violence can manifest in various forms, such as cyberstalking, revenge porn, sextortion, and grooming, all of which can cause significant harm to individuals' psychological and emotional well-being. Even without physical touch, the violation of one's boundaries, consent, and privacy in online interactions can result in trauma and distress similar to that experienced in contact sexual assaults.

If you would like to learn more about online abuse, please read our most recent blog and explore the resources linked within it. You are not alone.

Question 2

Is it considered sexual assault if the person didn’t touch me, but manipulated me into touching myself in front of them, while they did too?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience with us. What you've described can indeed be considered a form of sexual assault or abuse. Manipulating someone into engaging in sexual activities, even without physical contact, is a violation of consent and personal boundaries. Only you can label your experience, however.

Consent should always be freely given, enthusiastic, and without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If someone manipulates or pressures you into touching yourself for their gratification, they are disregarding your autonomy and violating your right to make choices about your own body.

It's understandable to feel confused or uncertain about how to label what happened. Many people in similar situations struggle with these feelings. Please know that your feelings are valid and healing is possible.

If you're feeling upset, distressed, or unsure about how this experience has affected you, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or a trauma-informed therapist. They can provide support and help you process your feelings. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all your interactions. What happened was not your fault. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 3

My ex-boyfriend repeatedly touched me inappropriately in public after I clearly asked him to stop multiple times. At the time, I convinced myself I was okay with what happened, but now I realize how uncomfortable and violated it made me feel. It's been several months since we broke up, and I'm struggling with whether I should address this with him or if it's too late to say anything. How do I process these feelings, and what should I consider when deciding whether to confront him about his behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us and I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way about what happened. What you experienced was a clear violation of your boundaries and consent, and your feelings of discomfort and violation are completely valid.

It's incredibly common for people to initially minimize or rationalize boundary violations, especially when they occur within romantic relationships. Sometimes we brush things off to avoid conflict or because we hope the situation will improve, and this psychological response often serves as a protective mechanism to help us cope with difficult experiences in the moment. It's also not uncommon for people to convince themselves that they're okay with something when it's someone they care about. As time passes and you gain more perspective, it's normal for those suppressed feelings to resurface and for you to recognize the impact the experience truly had on you. The fact that you're now recognizing how the experience affected you doesn't mean your initial reaction was wrong - it means you're processing the trauma at your own pace, which is entirely normal and healthy.

Regarding whether to address this with your ex-partner, there is no "right" timeline for speaking up about boundary violations. Deciding whether to reach out to him about what happened is a personal choice that deserves careful consideration. Think about what you hope to achieve by telling him and how it might affect your healing process. Some find closure in expressing how they were affected by previous partners, while others prefer to focus their energy on their own healing journey. If you believe that expressing your feelings to him would provide closure or help you move forward, it might be worth considering. However, since you're no longer in contact, it's also important to think about whether engaging with him again is in your best interest. Remember that his response, should you choose to reach out, may not provide the validation or accountability you deserve.

Your well-being and healing should be the primary focus right now. It might be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling - perhaps a close friend, family member, or counselor. Processing these feelings with a trusted person or therapist can be incredibly beneficial as they can provide personalized support for working through complex emotions around consent violations and help you develop healthy coping strategies. Sharing your experience with someone supportive can help you process your emotions and decide on the best course of action for yourself.

What happened to you matters, regardless of when you recognized its impact. Your boundaries deserve respect, and you have every right to process this experience in whatever way feels most supportive for your healing journey. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate through this. Thank you for trusting us with your story.

Question 4

Where can I find information about online-targeted sexual assault that involves sadism and objectification (rather than physical violence) combined with drug use?

Accepted Answer

Your question touches on a complex intersection of digital exploitation, psychological manipulation, and substance-facilitated abuse that unfortunately receives limited research attention despite being a real and harmful experience for many survivors. This gap in information doesn't mean your experience is less valid or important-- it often reflects how these forms of abuse can be harder to categorize within traditional frameworks, and unfortunately, some of the most harmful experiences survivors face exist in these spaces between established categories.

What you're describing sounds like it may involve elements of technology-facilitated sexual violence, which can include online harassment, non-consensual sharing of intimate content, digital stalking, or coercive control through digital means. These experiences can be just as traumatic and violating as physical assault, especially when they involve the deliberate objectification and dehumanization you've mentioned. Recent research shows that technology-facilitated sexual violence affects between 0.7% and 18.7% of populations across studies, with young people and LGBTQ+ folks at highest risk. When combined with objectification and sadistic elements, this can create particularly damaging psychological impacts. Studies demonstrate that technology-facilitated sexual harassment leads to increased self-objectification, which then mediates relationships between digital abuse and mental health outcomes including depression, anxiety, eating pathology, and problematic alcohol use.

The addition of drugs, whether administered without consent or used to exploit someone in a vulnerable state, adds another layer of violation and can significantly impact memory, consent capacity, and recovery. This combination can create profound feelings of powerlessness and confusion, and it's completely understandable if you're struggling to find information that accurately reflects what you experienced.

The sadistic and objectification-based elements you've identified are particularly important. Objectification, humiliation, and the violation of consent, especially when documented or shared digitally, can create lasting impacts on self-worth, trust, and safety that extend far beyond the immediate incident. When perpetrators derive pleasure from causing psychological harm or from reducing someone to an object for their gratification, this creates a unique form of trauma that can feel isolating because it doesn't fit neatly into how we typically discuss sexual violence.

For immediate support, the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative operates a 24/7 crisis helpline (1-844-878-CCRI) exclusively for victims of image-based sexual abuse, providing legal advocacy, evidence preservation guidance, and pro bono legal referrals. RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) now includes specialized training for technology-facilitated abuse and has specific protocols for drug-facilitated sexual assault cases. These counselors understand that trauma from digital and psychological abuse can be just as severe as physical violence.

The Safety Net Project by the National Network to End Domestic Violence provides comprehensive technology safety resources and toolkits specifically designed for survivors of technology-facilitated abuse. The Cyber Civil Rights Initiative also offers safety planning resources and guides for evidence preservation that maintain survivor safety.

For research and deeper understanding, The National Sexual Violence Resource Center maintains extensive resources, while academic databases searching for terms like "cyber sexual violence," "technology-facilitated sexual abuse," or "drug-facilitated sexual assault" may yield relevant studies.

It's crucial to recognize that the psychological trauma from objectification-based digital violence can be just as significant as from physical violence, with research showing clear links between sexual objectification and intimate partner violence. The fact that you're seeking information shows incredible strength and a commitment to understanding your experience, which is an important part of healing and reclaiming your narrative. Your experience matters, your trauma is valid, and you deserve support that recognizes the full complexity of what you've endured.

While this intersection remains under-studied, there are now specialized resources, legal advocates, and therapeutic approaches specifically designed for survivors experiencing these complex, overlapping forms of abuse. You're not alone in this experience, and there are people and organizations who understand these dynamics and can provide appropriate support.

Question 5

I'm looking for advice on managing dissociation from past trauma. I experienced sexually traumatic events in two previous relationships, but wasn't able to report what happened due to threats. Now I'm in a healthier relationship and would like advice on how to communicate my needs for support to my current boyfriend. How can I discuss this with him?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. Let me start by talking a bit about dissociation and then I can share some tips about how to discuss it with your current boyfriend.

I want to take a moment to explain what's happening in your brain and body when you experience dissociation. Dissociation is actually your mind's clever way of protecting itself, like an automatic circuit breaker. Just as a circuit breaker cuts power to prevent damage from an electrical surge, dissociation creates a sense of disconnection to protect you from overwhelming emotions or memories. This can feel like watching life through a foggy window, feeling detached from your body, or experiencing moments where time seems to blur. These sensations, while distressing, are completely normal responses to traumatic experiences that should not have happened to you.

Your brain developed this coping mechanism because it was helpful at one point - it helped you survive difficult experiences. The challenge is that sometimes this protective response stays active even when you're now in safer circumstances. It's like your brain's alarm system getting a bit too sensitive, activating even when the actual danger has passed. Understanding this can be the first step in developing a new relationship with these experiences.

Now, let's talk about practical ways to navigate both the dissociation and your current relationship. For managing dissociation, there are several strategies that can help bring you back to the present moment. Grounding techniques work because they help remind your nervous system that you're safe. For example, try focusing on your immediate environment by naming things you can see, touch, hear, smell, and taste. Physical sensations, like holding an ice cube or using strong scents like peppermint, can also help reconnect you with your body. Gentle movement, like stretching or walking, can additionally help you feel more present.

As for communicating with your boyfriend, I recommend choosing a quiet, private moment when you both have time and energy for the conversation. You don't need to share everything at once - healing and communication happen in layers, and it's perfectly okay to start small. What often helps is being specific about what support looks like for you. For instance, you might say, "When I feel disconnected, it helps if you speak to me softly" or "I need you to ask before touching me." Many partners want to help but don't know how; clear, specific guidance can be reassuring for both of you.

Remember that healing isn't a linear journey, and you're allowed to move at your own pace. Many survivors find that their dissociation triggers connect to specific situations, sensations, or even times of day. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you map these patterns and develop a personalized toolkit of responses. The goal isn't to eliminate dissociation entirely (it's still one of your brain's protective tools), but rather to expand your options for feeling safe and present in your body when you choose to be.

You're taking important steps in understanding and working with these experiences, and that alone is worth acknowledging. Your brain developed these responses to protect you, and with time and support, you can develop new ways of feeling safe. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 6

As someone who is constantly overthinking, how do I know my sexuality? Is it simply time? I would consider myself bisexual but sometimes I worry that I only like women even though I've never dated one and am in a committed relationship with a man that I love. Sorry if I sound horrible.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. Questioning and exploring your sexuality is a normal and healthy part of the human experience. Overthinking can make these feelings seem even more complicated, but it's important to remember that sexuality can be fluid and doesn't always fit into neat categories. Many people, especially those who tend to overthink, find themselves reflecting deeply on their identity and experiences at different points in their lives.

Sexuality exists on a spectrum and can be shift and change throughout our lives. Understanding your sexuality is a personal journey, and there's no definitive timeline or checklist for determining who you are. You don't need to have dated or been intimate with someone of a particular gender to validate your attraction to them. Many people realize their attractions without having dated others, while for others, experiences can provide clarity.

Being in a committed relationship with someone you love doesn't invalidate any feelings you might have towards others. It's completely possible to be bisexual while in a relationship with a man. Your relationship is no less meaningful or genuine because of your attractions, and being with a man doesn't make your attraction to women any less real. Many bisexual people experience what's sometimes called the "bi-cycle," where the intensity of attraction to different genders fluctuates over time.

Try to be gentle with yourself during this process of self-discovery. Your identity is yours alone to define, and it's okay if that definition shifts or becomes clearer over time. Rather than seeking absolute certainty, which can fuel overthinking, consider embracing the complexity of your feelings. It might help to talk to trusted friends or a professional who can provide support as you reflect on your feelings. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and many people have walked a similar path. What matters most is that you honor your authentic self and your commitments in ways that align with your values. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 7

I experienced a sexual situation with my cousin when I was 8 and she was around 12. At the time, I didn't feel affected by it, but now that I'm older, it's impacting me. I'm unsure how to process this, considering our ages at the time and her possible awareness of her actions. How can I understand and cope with these complex feelings?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. It's completely normal for feelings about childhood experiences to change as we grow older. Our ability to process and understand events evolves with time, and something that didn't seem significant then may carry more weight now.

Regarding the ages involved, it's crucial to understand that at 8 years old, you were not capable of giving informed consent to sexual activities. Your cousin, at 12, was also a child, although older. This situation falls into a complex area where both children involved are typically considered to have been potentially impacted by the experience, as neither had the full maturity to understand or consent to sexual actions. The question of your cousin's awareness is complex. While a 12-year-old might have more knowledge than an 8-year-old, they are still a child and may not fully comprehend the implications or consequences of sexual behaviors. This doesn't excuse any harm caused, but it's a factor to consider when processing the event.

To understand and cope with these feelings, it's important to acknowledge that whatever you're feeling - confusion, anger, sadness, or anything else - is valid. Seeking professional support from a trauma-informed therapist specializing in childhood sexual experiences can provide valuable guidance and additional processing. You do not need to go through this alone.

Be patient with yourself. Healing is a process, and it's okay if it takes time. Try to avoid self-blame, remembering that as a child, you were not responsible for what happened. Only you can define your experiences and decide how to categorize them. There's no "right" way to feel about this situation. Your focus should be on your well-being and healing, whatever form that takes for you. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 8

A friend touched my inner thigh without permission while we were in a hot tub together. I pushed them away and laughed it off, but it made me uncomfortable. I'm wondering whether this would be considered assault or harassment.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. What you described is a significant boundary violation where your friend attempted to touch you in an intimate area without your consent, which is not okay. Consent is essential in all interactions, and everyone has the right to have their personal space and boundaries respected.

When someone touches intimate parts of your body without your consent, it crosses important boundaries regardless of the setting or your relationship with that person. Even though you were able to push them away before they went further, the fact that they initiated unwanted physical contact is significant. The fact that you instinctively pushed them away shows that your body recognized this as unwanted contact.

Laughing it off is a very common reaction when we feel uncomfortable or unsure how to respond, but it doesn't diminish how the situation made you feel or minimize what happened. It's very common for people to laugh off uncomfortable situations in the moment, especially when they involve someone we know and trust. Laughing, freezing, or trying to lighten the mood are natural protective responses that many people have when their boundaries are crossed unexpectedly. Your brain was likely trying to process a confusing situation involving someone you considered safe.

Whether this is classified as assault or harassment can depend on legal definitions in different places, but the distinction often depends on specific legal definitions that vary by location. What matters most is not the label but rather acknowledging that your boundaries were violated. Unwanted touching of intimate areas like your inner thigh typically falls under sexual assault in many jurisdictions, as it involves non-consensual sexual contact. However, the most important thing to understand is that your experience was significant and your reaction was completely normal.

You have every right to feel however you feel about this experience. Some people might feel angry, confused, betrayed, or uncertain about what happened. Others might minimize it or question whether it was "serious enough" to matter. All of these responses are normal. What happened to you matters because it mattered to you, and because everyone deserves to have their physical boundaries respected. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all your relationships.

It might be helpful to talk to someone you trust about what happened, whether it's a family member, another friend, or a professional who can provide support. Moving forward, you might consider setting clear boundaries with this friend if you choose to maintain the relationship, or you might decide you need distance. Trust your instincts about what feels right for you. Remember, you're not alone, and it's okay to set boundaries with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable, even if they're a friend.

Question 9

I was groomed online and my groomer made me sext with another child around to my age. I don't know how much I should be responsible for hurting the child. I don't know if I’m even a victim in this situation. I don’t know how much I was really forced, considering it was all online.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. Let me be very clear: you are absolutely a victim in this situation. Online grooming is a serious form of abuse, and the fact it happened virtually doesn't diminish its impact. The adult who manipulated you holds full responsibility for orchestrating abuse between two children.

Children cannot meaningfully "consent" to sexual activities, online or otherwise. When an adult manipulates children into sexual behavior with other children, both children are victims of that adult's abuse. Your feelings of responsibility toward the other child show your empathy, but the blame lies entirely with the adult who exploited you both.

The confusion you're feeling about whether you were "really forced" is common among survivors of online grooming. Groomers are skilled at making their victims feel complicit in their own abuse. This is part of their manipulation - making you question your own victim status is one way they avoid accountability.

Recognizing yourself as a victim can bring intense emotions - grief, anger, relief, confusion, or all of these at once. These feelings are valid and normal. Be patient with yourself as you process this. Consider keeping a journal, practicing self-care, connecting with a therapist, or leaning on trusted people who support you. This was not your fault. You are not alone.

Question 10

When I was 12, my 4-year-old brother would sometimes give family members kisses. Once, after he kissed me, I had an impulse to touch him inappropriately. When he said no, I immediately stopped. My older brother later told him that kissing family members wasn't appropriate. I've never told anyone about my impulse, and I feel intense shame and disgust with myself. Should I talk to someone about this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing these feelings that have been weighing on you. It is brave to reach out when we think we have done something that could have harmed someone else. Let me help explain what was happening developmentally at age 12 to contextualize your experience and try to provide some support.

Around age 12 is a time of significant change. You are going through puberty, experiencing new and confusing feelings, and still developing your understanding of appropriate boundaries and relationships. During this stage, many young people experience thoughts or impulses they don't fully understand, which can feel scary or shameful.

What's particularly significant in your story is your immediate response when your brother said no - you stopped right away. This demonstrates that even at 12, you had already developed a strong moral compass and understanding of consent. Your current feelings of discomfort about that moment actually reflect your deep commitment to doing what's right.

It's important to understand the difference between having an inappropriate impulse and being an abuser. What defines this situation is not the momentary impulse - which can happen during development - but your response to it. You respected boundaries immediately, showing care for your brother's wellbeing. This, combined with your ongoing concern about the incident, indicates someone who deeply values protecting others.

Your older brother addressing the kissing behavior was also part of normal family dynamics - older siblings often help establish appropriate physical boundaries as younger children learn about personal space and family interactions. This kind of boundary-setting is a healthy part of family development.

The shame you're feeling, while painful, is weighing heavier than it needs to. Speaking with a counselor or mental health professional could help you process these feelings and understand them within the context of normal childhood development. They can provide tools to work through this guilt and help you move forward.

Remember, you were also a child navigating complex emotions and developing understanding of boundaries. Be gentle with yourself as you work through these feelings. Take care, and know that processing these difficult emotions is an important part of growth and healing.

Question 11

I'm struggling to process being groomed. I find myself resisting the reality of what happened to me and having trouble accepting that the person who groomed me did something wrong. Everything feels overwhelming and confusing right now. While therapy isn't an option for me at the moment, I'm also hesitant to reach out for help because I don't want to burden others or make this situation feel bigger. I'm feeling lost about how to handle these complicated emotions and memories. How can I cope with feeling this way?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. I hear the pain, confusion, and internal conflict in your words, and I want you to know that these feelings are a completely normal response to an abnormal and harmful situation. What you're experiencing - the resistance to accepting what happened, the complicated feelings about the person who harmed you, and the overwhelming mix of emotions - these are all common responses to trauma.

The reluctance to see someone who groomed you as "bad" is incredibly common and happens for many reasons. Often, groomers build trust and emotional connections before the abuse begins. They may have shown kindness, given attention, or filled important emotional needs. This creates a profound confusion where the harm they caused conflicts with the positive feelings or memories you may have. Some survivors also worry that accepting the person as "bad" might mean something about their own judgment, or they fear losing precious parts of their memories and identity that are tangled up with this person. All of these feelings are valid and part of the complex nature of processing grooming and abuse.

The feeling of being "gross" that you're experiencing is also a common trauma response, but is not permenant. Let me gently offer some strategies to help work through those feelings that other survivors have shared have worked for them in the past.

Practice self-compassion by talking to yourself as you would a close friend or younger sibling
Use physical self-care practices like taking warm showers, wearing comfortable clothes, or wrapping yourself in a soft blanket
Try gentle movement like stretching or walking to reconnect with your body in a safe way
Write down or say out loud: "What happened to me was not my fault" and "My body is not bad or dirty because of what someone else did"
Create small daily rituals that help you feel renewed, like using a favorite lotion or having a calming bedtime routine

It's important for you to know that minimizing what happened or feeling like you're "making it a bigger deal" than it is are also very typical reactions. Trauma often makes us want to make ourselves smaller, to minimize our pain, to avoid "burdening" others. But what happened to you was real, significant, and not your fault. Your feelings deserve space and acknowledgement.

While therapy isn't available right now, there are still ways to support yourself through this. Consider reaching out to free support services like RAINN's hotline or ChildHelp. They have trained counselors available 24/7 who understand what you're going through. Online support groups can also provide a space to connect with others who have similar experiences, helping you feel less alone in your journey.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. There's no "right" way to feel or heal from this. Some days might feel harder than others, and that's okay. If you're feeling overwhelmed, try grounding techniques like deep breathing, holding something cold, or naming five things you can see in your environment. These can help when emotions feel too big.

Your hesitation to "bother" others speaks to how grooming can affect our sense of worth and boundaries. But please know that reaching out for help isn't bothering anyone - it's an act of self-care and courage. You deserve support and understanding as you navigate this.

Remember: healing isn't linear, and it's okay to have complicated feelings. The confusion and pain you're experiencing are part of processing trauma, not signs that you're doing something wrong. You're already showing incredible strength by acknowledging what happened and seeking support. We appreciate you reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 12

How can I report my groomer anonymously in Canada? Specifically, Alberta. I only know his first name, have some of his messages but no confession, and have no pictures of him. Is it even possible to anonymously report if he’s in the United States?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. Reaching out for help - even anonymously - shows incredible courage. You're taking an important step, and I am happy to share some potential options with you as I understand them, although I am not a legal expert.

Let me first affirm: what happened to you is not your fault. Groomers are skilled manipulators who deliberately build trust to exploit others. The fact that you only have limited information about this person - a first name and some messages - is very common and absolutely should not discourage you from reporting if that is the choice you would like to make.

When survivors ask about reporting with limited information, they often worry their report "isn't enough" or "won't make a difference." This may not be the case. Law enforcement and child protection agencies have extensive experience building cases from what might seem like small pieces of information. Every report helps create a more complete picture, as groomers often have multiple victims and patterns of behavior that can be connected through various reports.

The primary reporting channel I recommend for your situation is Cybertip.ca, Canada's national tipline for reporting online exploitation. When you make an anonymous report, you'll receive a report number that lets you follow up if you choose to, while maintaining your privacy. The system is designed to protect your identity while still allowing for effective investigation.

For cross-border situations where the perpetrator is in the US, Cybertip.ca works closely with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) in the United States. These organizations have well-established protocols for handling international cases, so don't let the cross-border nature of the situation deter you.

If you prefer to report locally in Alberta, you have several options that prioritize your safety and anonymity:

Crime Stoppers: 1-800-222-8477 (completely anonymous)
Calgary Police Service: (403) 266-1234
Edmonton Police Service: (780) 423-4567

Before making your report, try to gather what information you can, but please know that anything you have is valuable:

Save screenshots or copies of messages
Note any usernames or account names
Record approximate dates of contact
Write down which apps or platforms were used
Document any mentions of locations, even vague ones
Note any distinct patterns in how they communicated

Remember that investigators are trained to work with partial information. They can often uncover additional details through digital forensics that reveal IP addresses and account connections, pattern analysis of communication styles, links to other reports with similar characteristics, and technical data associated with messages and accounts.

Most importantly, please know that you deserve support through this process. While you can report anonymously, you don't have to go through this alone. Consider reaching out to a sexual assault support service - they can provide confidential guidance and even help you through the reporting process if you'd like. In Alberta, the Association of Alberta Sexual Assault Services (AASAS) has a toll-free support line (1-866-403-8000) as well as an online chatline.

If you have any questions or need assistance with reporting, don't hesitate to contact Cybertip.ca directly. They're there to help you every step of the way. Take things one step at a time. Making a report is a significant step, and it's okay to feel uncertain or anxious about it. You are not alone.

Question 13

I went through a sexual assault a few months ago and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it on my own. I want to tell my friends what happened because I think that it would make it feel less shameful. I'm worried that if I tell them, they will stress over it all the time or that it will ruin their day or week, and I can't get past that fear. How do you go about telling a friend something like this without having them worry too much about you and your situation?

Accepted Answer

I am so sorry you went through that. It's completely natural to want to share your experience with friends, especially when dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault on your own. Sharing your experience with friends can be an important step in your healing journey. Many survivors find that talking to someone they trust helps alleviate some of the burden and makes things feel less overwhelming.

It's completely understandable to worry about how your friends might react. Your concern about causing them stress shows your compassion and thoughtfulness, even as you're going through something difficult yourself. Your feelings and need for support are equally important, however.

When sharing with friends, consider starting with someone you feel safest with and setting some gentle boundaries around the conversation. One approach might be choosing a time when you feel comfortable and when your friends are in a good space to listen. You could begin by saying something like, "I want to share something difficult that happened to me, and I mainly need you to listen. I'm working through it at my own pace," or "I've been dealing with something challenging lately, and I would really appreciate having your support. I want to share it with you, but please know that I'm managing and I just need someone to listen."

By framing it this way, you give them a heads-up about the seriousness of the conversation while also reassuring them that you're handling it. You can directly address your concern by saying, "I'm telling you this because I trust you, not because I expect you to fix anything or worry about me constantly." This opens the door for them to offer support without feeling overwhelmed.

Remember that good friends typically want to support you through difficult times. While they may initially feel concerned, most people can handle hearing about hard experiences, and many will feel honored that you trusted them enough to share. True friends will want to be there for you, and they may appreciate that you've chosen to confide in them. It's also okay to let them know what you need—whether it's just a listening ear, a hug, or maybe some distraction after the conversation.

Some survivors find it helpful to have resources ready to share with friends - perhaps information about sexual assault or suggestions for how they can support you. This gives friends concrete ways to help rather than feeling helpless or overly worried.

Your instinct that sharing might reduce shame is spot-on. Shame thrives in isolation, and bringing your experience into the light with supportive people often helps diminish those feelings. It's important to take care of yourself during this process. Sharing such personal experiences can be emotionally taxing, so consider giving yourself some time afterward to rest and reflect. If you find that talking to your friends isn't enough, or if you feel you need additional support, reaching out to a professional who specializes in trauma might be helpful.

Above all, be gentle with yourself. What happened to you is not your fault, and you don't have to carry it alone. Your healing belongs to you, and sharing with friends can be an important part of reclaiming your story and your strength. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 14

I'm in a wonderful but very new one-month relationship, and my partner just told me he's entering a 90-day treatment program. I'm one year into my own healing journey and didn't realize how new he was to his. He's asked me to wait for him, but I'm unsure - it's difficult to put my life on hold without knowing if his feelings will change during treatment. A lot of healing can shift perspectives. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It is understandable that you're feeling uncertain about this relationship. While your connection feels meaningful, one month is a relatively short time to build the foundation needed for a 90-day separation, especially when both people are at different stages in their healing journeys.

From my perspective, you may not need to make a firm decision right now. If the program allows, you could maintain light contact during his treatment while continuing to live your life without making concrete promises. This gives you the flexibility to see how you feel as time progresses and reassess when he completes the program. His choice to seek treatment is positive - it shows commitment to growth. However, you're right that intensive healing work often changes people's perspectives and priorities.

Remember that it's not selfish to prioritize your own wellbeing or to feel uncertain. You've invested a year in your personal growth, and that should remain your priority. Instead of thinking about it as "waiting" or putting your life "on hold," perhaps consider using these 90 days to continue focusing on your own growth while keeping an open mind about the future. Whatever you decide, make sure it comes from a place of self-care rather than obligation. There's no wrong choice here - only what's right for you at this time in your journey. I hope this helps and wish you luck as you navigate this uncertain time. You are not alone.

Question 15

The person who was grooming me recently ended contact, saying he wanted to change and improve himself. I'm experiencing conflicting emotions - anger and resentment, but also relief since I had hoped he would seek help. I feel confused about these mixed feelings and question whether I'm being selfish for having them. How do I process these complex emotions about someone who harmed me but claims to want to change?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's completely understandable to have a mix of emotions in this situation. Feeling resentful, angry, glad, and confused all at once doesn't make you selfish—it makes you human.

You've been through a complex and difficult experience, and it's normal to have conflicting feelings when someone who has caused you harm says they want to change and then leaves. On one hand, you might have hoped for them to get better, and on the other, you might feel hurt by their actions and the impact they've had on your life.

It's important to give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions come up. There's no right or wrong way to process this. Be gentle with yourself and consider reaching out to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support. You don't have to navigate these feelings alone.

Remember, your wellbeing matters, and taking care of yourself is a priority. Allow yourself the time and space you need to heal and make sense of everything. We are thinking of you. You are not alone.

Question 16

Does it count as COCSA if an incident only happened briefly and once? My older cousin made up a game where she was pregnant and told me that in order for her to give birth, I had to lick her in an inappropriate place. I was extremely uncomfortable and said I didn't want to do it, but she said if I didn't she'd get me in huge trouble. I was scared so I did it.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. What you described does have characteristics that potentially align with Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), and I want you to know that your feelings about this experience are completely valid. Even if an incident happens only once and is brief, it can still have a significant impact.

There are several elements in your experience that are concerning and distinguish it from typical childhood exploration. When you clearly expressed that you didn't want to participate, your cousin used threats to override your boundaries. This coercion, combined with the age difference and your clear discomfort, are important factors to consider. It's worth noting that your cousin was also a child at the time, and children who engage in these behaviors may themselves be acting out something they experienced or witnessed, or may not have fully understood the impact of their actions.

It's significant that you remember feeling extremely uncomfortable and expressing that you didn't want to participate. Children have an innate sense of what feels wrong, and your discomfort was your body and mind trying to protect you. Your instinct to feel uncomfortable was absolutely correct, and the fact that you said no shows your natural protective instincts were working. Your feelings of discomfort and fear were valid, and you had every right to have your boundaries respected.

None of this was your fault. You were too young to understand what was happening, and you were put in a difficult position where you felt you had to comply out of fear. You expressed your boundaries clearly, and those should have been respected regardless of the circumstances. While your cousin was also young and may not have fully understood the harm being caused, that doesn't diminish the impact this experience had on you.

If this experience is still affecting you, consider reaching out to a trusted adult or a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance. They can help you process your feelings and explore what this experience means for you personally. Many survivors find it helpful to work with trauma-informed therapists who understand the complexities of childhood experiences and can help you make sense of your own feelings about what happened.

Remember, you're not alone, and it's okay to seek help. Taking this step to share your story shows courage, and you deserve support as you navigate your feelings about this experience.

Question 17

A year ago, a man followed me home despite my protests. I was too afraid to stop him. When we got to my door, he grabbed my shoulders, looked around to ensure no one was nearby, and kissed my neck. I felt violated but also feel guilty. Should this be classified as sexual assault even though he didn't touch me in private areas? How long does it take to process these feelings? I still cry about it even though I feel I should be over it by now.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. What you went through sounds incredibly frightening and violating, and it's completely understandable that it still affects you deeply.

What you experienced was unwanted sexual contact that occurred after you expressed resistance, and your feelings of violation are completely valid. Sexual assault encompasses a spectrum of unwanted sexual behaviors, including unwanted kissing. The fact that he checked to make sure no one was watching shows he likely knew his behavior was inappropriate and unwanted. It's important to recognize that you are not to blame for what happened. Feeling guilty is a common reaction in situations like this, but the responsibility lies solely with the person who chose to disregard your protests and invade your personal space. Your instinct to be "polite" is not a weakness; it's a natural response many people have when faced with uncomfortable or threatening situations.

Many survivors experience guilt or question whether their experience "counts" as assault, especially when society often portrays sexual violence as only including certain acts. This questioning is a normal response, but it doesn't diminish the validity of your experience or feelings. Your body recognized a violation occurred, which is why you continue to have emotional responses to the memory. The unwanted physical contact of a sexual nature without your consent is generally considered a form of sexual assault or harassment. The fact that he ignored your objections, followed you home, and kissed you without consent are serious violations of your personal boundaries.

There is no timeline for processing trauma. Healing isn't linear, and there's no expiration date on when you "should" be over something. Some people process traumatic experiences in weeks, while others take years, and many find that certain aspects of the experience resurface at different points in their lives. The fact that you still have emotional responses a year later is not unusual or something to feel ashamed about. It's okay that it still makes you cry—your feelings are valid, and there's no "should" when it comes to how long it takes to move past something like this.

Your ongoing distress suggests this experience had a significant impact on you. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual violence, or contacting a sexual assault support service that can offer resources specific to your situation. These professionals can provide validation and tools to help process your experience in a way that feels empowering rather than overwhelming.

Remember that your feelings and reactions are valid responses to an unwanted and frightening experience. Being kind to yourself and acknowledging your feelings without judgment is an important part of the healing process. Your safety and well-being are important, and you deserve to feel secure and respected. Please take care of yourself. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.

Question 18

When I was a child between ages 6-13, I experienced sexual abuse from three different people at separate times. Now that I'm in high school, I notice that interactions with male teachers - even appropriate, friendly academic relationships - trigger feelings of discomfort and unsafety. These feelings remind me of past trauma, even though I rationally believe these teachers would never harm me. I'm struggling with these reactions and wondering if this response is normal and how to cope with it.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this difficult but important question. It's completely understandable that you're experiencing discomfort and anxiety around your older male teachers, given both the inherent power dynamics in teacher-student relationships and your past experiences of abuse.

The teacher-student dynamic can be particularly challenging for survivors because it shares several key elements with grooming situations: the power differential, the age gap, the mentorship role, and the inherent trust placed in educators. Experiencing grooming and sexualization at such a young age can have lasting effects, and it's not uncommon for those feelings to resurface in situations that remind you of what happened, even when you rationally know you're safe.

Think of your nervous system like a highly sensitive security system that was programmed during a time of real danger. When it detects patterns similar to past threats - like an older authority figure showing interest in your academic development, or one-on-one situations like asking for help after class - it activates protective responses. While these feelings can be overwhelming, they're actually your brain doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe. Many survivors find themselves experiencing similar reactions in situations that remind them of past trauma, even years later and even when they logically know they're safe.

There are several strategies that can help manage these triggering situations. Consider establishing clear professional boundaries in teacher relationships, like only meeting during regular office hours or with other students present. Practice grounding techniques when you feel triggered. For example, many survivors find the 5-4-3-2-1 method helpful (naming 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste). It can also be valuable to actively remind yourself of how the present situation differs from the past, perhaps by keeping a note on your phone listing specific differences. Having a trusted friend or counselor you can check in with to reality-test your perceptions can provide additional support.

You don't have to navigate this alone. Talking to someone you trust about how you're feeling - whether that's a close friend, family member, or school counselor - can provide relief and help you navigate these emotions. A trauma-informed therapist can help you develop personalized coping strategies and work through these triggers at your own pace. They can offer guidance, reassurance, and help you find additional strategies to cope with the discomfort you're experiencing.

Above all, please know that your feelings are valid, your reactions make sense given your experiences, and you deserve support in working through this at your own pace. Healing takes time, and it's okay to seek help along the way. Be patient and kind to yourself as you work through these emotions. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 19

I'm trying to understand experiences from my childhood friendship. I had a neighbor friend who was a year older than me who would visit during summers. We were very close, but some interactions now concern me. She initiated inappropriate intimate activities, including games with physical contact, and taught me to hide these behaviors from adults. Was this abuse? Is that even possible to occur between two young girls? We had a bad friend breakup but I can’t remember any of it, or why it happened. How can I make sense of this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with these deeply personal memories. It sounds like this friendship from your childhood has left you feeling confused and uncertain, and those feelings are entirely valid. Reflecting on past experiences, especially ones that involve complex emotions and boundaries, can be challenging as we grow older and gain new perspectives.

Childhood friendships often involve exploration and play, but sometimes the lines of appropriate behavior can become blurred, especially when one child is older or more mature than the other. The situations you described suggest that boundaries may have been crossed. The fact that she taught you to hide these behaviors from adults indicates that she was aware that what you were doing might not have been appropriate.

It's important to remember that as a child, you both were still learning about relationships, boundaries, and your own body. You may not have fully understood what was happening or how to respond to what she was doing. Feelings of confusion are common when reflecting on such experiences, especially when they involve someone you trusted and cared about.

Abuse can occur between children, including between two young girls. It doesn't always involve malicious intent; sometimes, it's a result of one child imitating behavior they've seen or not fully understanding the implications of their actions. Regardless, if an experience made you feel uncomfortable or if you're questioning it now, it's important to acknowledge those feelings. How you choose to label it is up to you.

Making sense of these memories might be challenging on your own. It could be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore your feelings and experiences. They can help you process what happened and understand how it may be affecting you now.

Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you reaching out to us.

Question 20

When I was younger, a close family member sexually abused me for several months, which has significantly impacted my mental health with insomnia, depression, and worsened anxiety. This same person also forced unwanted physical contact when we were both even younger. I've never told my family about the abuse. Now I have an older cousin who makes inappropriate comments and is overly touchy with me, which makes me uncomfortable in the moment. However, I've noticed that afterward when I'm alone, I find myself having disturbing thoughts where I actually want him to assault me or imagine encouraging him to go further. This makes me feel disgusting and crazy. Is this normal behavior after experiencing sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It takes a lot of courage to share such personal experiences, and I'm glad you reached out. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are completely valid. When someone violates your boundaries, especially someone you trust or someone within your family, it can be incredibly confusing and painful. Similarly, having a family member who disregards your comfort and makes inappropriate advances adds another layer of complexity to your healing journey.

What you're experiencing is actually a very common and completely understandable response to sexual trauma, and you are not disgusting or crazy for having these thoughts and feelings. Sexual trauma, especially when it occurs during childhood and adolescence, can create complex psychological responses that may seem confusing or contradictory to you, but they make complete sense from a trauma perspective. When someone experiences sexual abuse, particularly at a young age, it can disrupt the normal development of boundaries, safety awareness, and sexual understanding. Your brain learned to associate sexual attention with various complicated emotions, and these early experiences have shaped how you process similar situations now.

The thoughts you're having about wanting your cousin to assault you are what trauma specialists call "trauma reenactment fantasies." This happens because your mind is trying to process and make sense of what happened to you by imagining scenarios where you have some control or agency, even if that control feels disturbing to you. Sometimes, the mind tries to make sense of trauma in ways that can seem confusing or distressing, but these thoughts don't mean there's anything wrong with you. They can be a way your mind is attempting to process what happened in the past and regain some sense of control over situations that previously left you powerless.

It's also important to understand that trauma can create a pattern where we're drawn to familiar dynamics, even when they're harmful. Your brain recognizes the inappropriate behavior from your cousin as something similar to what you experienced before, and in trying to cope with that recognition, it sometimes creates fantasies where you have some perceived power in the situation. This doesn't mean you actually want to be harmed - it means your mind is working through trauma in the way that many survivors' minds do. The fact that you feel disgusted by these thoughts shows that your instincts for self-protection are still intact, even though trauma is creating these confusing mental responses.

You clearly understand that your cousin's behavior is inappropriate and unwanted, and you've appropriately distanced yourself and told trusted people about his concerning behavior. Your body and conscious mind know this situation isn't safe or desired, even when your trauma responses create different thoughts. Many survivors experience similar thoughts and feelings, and what you're going through doesn't make you disgusting or crazy. It makes you human, and it makes you a survivor working through the complex aftermath of trauma.

Healing from childhood sexual abuse often involves working through these kinds of complex psychological responses with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual abuse. They can help you understand how your early experiences have shaped your current responses and give you tools to work through these feelings in a safe space. Many survivors find that once they begin processing their trauma with professional support, these disturbing thoughts and urges become much more manageable and eventually fade. It might also be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling, whether that's a close friend or a professional who can offer support.

You deserve understanding, compassion, and safety. The abuse you experienced was not your fault, and neither are these trauma responses you're having now. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that healing takes time. Reaching out is a strong and positive step forward, and there are people who care about you and want to support you through this. Consider reaching out to organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) where you can speak confidentially with trained counselors who understand exactly what you're going through and can help connect you with appropriate resources for your situation. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

Am I really a survivor if it happened online and I was never physically touched?

Is it considered sexual assault if the person didn’t touch me, but manipulated me into touching myself in front of them, while they did too?

Where can I find information about online-targeted sexual assault that involves sadism and objectification (rather than physical violence) combined with drug use?

As someone who is constantly overthinking, how do I know my sexuality? Is it simply time? I would consider myself bisexual but sometimes I worry that I only like women even though I've never dated one and am in a committed relationship with a man that I love. Sorry if I sound horrible.

A friend touched my inner thigh without permission while we were in a hot tub together. I pushed them away and laughed it off, but it made me uncomfortable. I'm wondering whether this would be considered assault or harassment.

I was groomed online and my groomer made me sext with another child around to my age. I don't know how much I should be responsible for hurting the child. I don't know if I’m even a victim in this situation. I don’t know how much I was really forced, considering it was all online.

How can I report my groomer anonymously in Canada? Specifically, Alberta. I only know his first name, have some of his messages but no confession, and have no pictures of him. Is it even possible to anonymously report if he’s in the United States?

Am I really a survivor if it happened online and I was never physically touched?

Where can I find information about online-targeted sexual assault that involves sadism and objectification (rather than physical violence) combined with drug use?

Is it considered sexual assault if the person didn’t touch me, but manipulated me into touching myself in front of them, while they did too?

A friend touched my inner thigh without permission while we were in a hot tub together. I pushed them away and laughed it off, but it made me uncomfortable. I'm wondering whether this would be considered assault or harassment.

As someone who is constantly overthinking, how do I know my sexuality? Is it simply time? I would consider myself bisexual but sometimes I worry that I only like women even though I've never dated one and am in a committed relationship with a man that I love. Sorry if I sound horrible.

I was groomed online and my groomer made me sext with another child around to my age. I don't know how much I should be responsible for hurting the child. I don't know if I’m even a victim in this situation. I don’t know how much I was really forced, considering it was all online.

How can I report my groomer anonymously in Canada? Specifically, Alberta. I only know his first name, have some of his messages but no confession, and have no pictures of him. Is it even possible to anonymously report if he’s in the United States?

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