Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 2

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 3

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 4

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past.

The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. While it is natural to feel some guilt, you have the right to make choices that prioritize your safety and well-being. Avoiding the person who sexually coerced you is a completely understandable response, and it's okay to take steps to protect yourself.

We hope this goes without saying, but it is NOT your fault what happened to you. Consent needs to be clear and enthusiastic for it to be valid. No matter what the circumstances were, no one has the right to touch you without your consent. It's not your responsibility to make this person feel better or to justify your choices to anyone else. But we understand that this is a challenging situation to navigate.

It is hard to say whether or not this person knows the extent of the harm they caused. And it is up to you whether or not you feel comfortable telling them about that harm. At the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you and your healing. There is no right or wrong answer, but do not sacrifice your comfort for theirs. Your feelings matter too.

Thank you again for reaching out to us. We are here for you every step of the way. You are not alone.

Question 5

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 6

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 7

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 8

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 9

I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. I want to start by acknowledging your strength and courage in reaching out for support. Dealing with the aftermath of sexual violence is incredibly difficult, and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing are a common and valid response to trauma and the decisions survivors often need to make in the aftermath. Please know that the guilt is not yours to carry - the responsibility lies solely with the person who harmed you.

Reporting sexual violence is a brave and important step, but it's understandable to feel conflicted or guilty about it. You may worry about not being believed, facing retaliation, disrupting your community, or negatively impacting the life of the person who harmed you. These concerns are normal, but it's crucial to remember that you have every right to seek justice, healing, and safety. Reporting can help protect yourself and others.

Healing from guilt is a process and it will take time. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. It may help to gently remind yourself that you did nothing wrong and made the best decisions you could to take care of yourself. Many survivors find it helpful to talk through these feelings with a trusted person who is trauma-informed. Support groups, either in-person or online, can also provide a safe space to process guilt with others who understand.

Most importantly, please prioritize your own healing and wellbeing right now. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally in whatever ways feel nurturing to you. You may need to limit your exposure to people or information that increase feelings of guilt or self-blame. Surround yourself with supportive, understanding people as much as possible.

Navigating the legal system can also bring up a lot of difficult emotions. Seek out an advocate who can guide and support you through the reporting process. Remember that regardless of the outcome, telling your story is an act of bravery that can be healing in itself.

You deserve to feel safe, supported, and believed. The guilt and self-doubt you feel are symptoms of the trauma and societal mistreatment of survivors, not reflections of your actions or character. With time and care, they will start to ease. Until then, please be gentle with yourself and reach out for help whenever you need it. You don't have to carry this alone.

Question 10

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 11

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. There are several valuable books and resources available that can support your healing journey from sexual abuse. Some books we recommend include:

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk explores how trauma affects the brain and body, offering insights into treating traumatic stress and new paths to recovery. It provides a comprehensive look at the nature of trauma and its impact on our physical and mental well-being.

Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" is a groundbreaking work that examines the healing process of survivors and the challenges faced by those dealing with prolonged, repeated trauma. It offers a framework for understanding trauma and a roadmap for recovery, making it a valuable resource for many survivors.

"The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a comprehensive guide specifically for survivors of child sexual abuse and their loved ones. It provides practical tools, exercises, and personal testimonies to support the healing journey.

For those looking to understand the broader context of sexual violence and advocacy, Tarana Burke's "Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement" offers powerful insights. Burke shares her personal journey from victim to survivor to activist, detailing the origins of the Me Too movement and exploring the importance of community in addressing sexual violence.

Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name" also provides a searing, eloquent account of trauma, healing, and the challenges within the justice system in handling sexual assault cases. Miller reclaims her identity after being known as "Emily Doe" in a high-profile sexual assault case, offering a profound exploration of the recovery process.

In addition to these books, online resources like the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) and me too's Survivor Sanctuary website offer extensive information, support, and access to hotlines (RAINN) for immediate help.

Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone.

Question 12

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for joining us on this FAQ journey. As we finish this series, we want to remind you about all of the professional options available to you to help in your healing journey. Remember that this process is different for everyone and not everyone chooses to engage in formal services.

Rape Crisis Center--these centers are community-based organizations that provide free, confidential services to anyone impacted by sexual violence. Their services can range from intervention, prevention, advocacy, counseling, and education.

Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE)--these nurses have received special training to conduct sexual assault evidence collection for survivors. SANEs are trained in providing medical, psychological, and forensic exams. These individuals are on-call 24 hours a day and are available whether or not you are sure you want to report.

Mental health counselor--these counselors help patients achieve emotional wellness through curated treatment plans. Finding the right counselor can be difficult. As you research local options, it is important to know what you are looking for in treatment, what type of specialist you would like to see, and remember, it isn’t always a perfect match on the first try.

Reporting--you can report your experience as a crime to local law enforcement via  800.656.HOPE (4673), contacting your local police department, or visiting a medical center or hospital for an exam.

Restorative justice options--this can occur both within or outside the legal system. Under a restorative justice approach, if your perpetrator admits wrongdoing, you can go through a restorative process with a trained facilitator to explain the impact of their actions and set benchmarks they can work towards to repair harm.

Professional services are not for everyone. If you decide you aren’t ready to share your story with anyone out loud yet, consider sharing your story with us at Our Wave (www.ourwave.org).

Whatever you choose, know that we’re right by your side. You’ve got this. Healing is possible.

Question 13

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 14

Can there be medical evidence 10 years later after experiencing sodomy, rape or sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is extremely rare for there to be medical evidence 10 years after experiencing sexual assault, rape, or sodomy although it may depend on a number of factors such as the type of assault, the age and health of the victim, and whether or not evidence was collected at the time of the assault.

In cases of sexual assault, physical evidence such as DNA or semen can sometimes be found on the victim's body or clothing, and this evidence may be preserved for years if collected and stored properly. Additionally, injuries sustained during the assault, such as tearing or scarring, may still be visible or detectable through medical examination.

The optimal time frame for evidence collection is within 72 hours of the assault to be able to collect as much DNA evidence as possible. However, a kit can still be useful in gathering evidence after this period, up to 7 days due to advancements in DNA technology. After this window of time, only the physical and medical treatments are possible and evidence on your physical body cannot be gathered.

However, it is important to note that the absence of physical evidence does not necessarily mean that the assault did not occur, and many victims do not report the assault or seek medical attention immediately after the incident. It is also common for victims to experience psychological symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD, which may persist for years after the assault and can be considered as evidence of the trauma they experienced.

It is never too late to report a sex crime - either adult sexual assault or child sexual abuse - to the police. A person can, theoretically, be charged and convicted years or decades after the alleged acts depending on the statute of limitations in your area. You also do not necessarily need medical evidence to report.

But realistically, the longer the wait between the incident and the investigation, the more challenges you may face. For example, some survivors are wary of being cross-examined at trial. Where there has been a delay in reporting, this is almost always used as an avenue for the defence to question the credibility and reliability of the witnesses, including the complainant.

In recent years, the laws in different jurisdictions have seen some improvements to how historical sexual offences are prosecuted. For example, if the complainant told a friend or relative of abuse around the time it occurred many years ago, that friend or relative can be called as a witness to recount the report.

Only you know if reporting is right for you. Be gentle with yourself, but remember if it would help you on your healing journey, it is never too late to take action.

Question 15

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

Accepted Answer

First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion.

Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum.  By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

Sexual coercion can look different depending on the situation. Examples can include someone saying “You would do it if you loved me” or “You owe me.” Sexual coercion can also involve giving you drugs and alcohol to loosen up your inhibitions.

Anyone can be sexually coercive - a significant other, boss, friend. However, sexual coercion often results from some sort of power imbalance, whether it is your landlord offering an alternative to paying rent or your partner threatening a breakup.

No one has a right to your body, even if you are in a relationship or have previously consented to sex with this person. If your partner is constantly demanding sex, manipulating your birth control, or not relenting until you give in, this may also be considered sexual coercion.

Being coerced into sexual activities is manipulative and could even be considered abusive. When it comes to sexual activities, remember that you deserve to have a voice and should not have to do anything you don’t want to do.

In a healthy relationship, consent is an ongoing process. Establish boundaries with your partner early and try to be clear, honest, and direct if you don’t want to do something. If your partner is not listening to you, that may be a sign that you should leave the situation.

No matter what the situation is, it is okay to feel confused or upset. If you need more help figuring out if what happened to you is coercive, talk to a trusted professional. We believe you and you do not need to go through this alone.

Question 16

Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

Accepted Answer

Sharing your story is an important part of the healing journey after trauma. Assessing whether or not you are ready to share your story, however, is a deeply personal and can be influenced by a variety of factors.

Before you start, consider why you want to share your story. This can help you make decisions about how you share your story and who you share it with. Be clear about your intentions and what you hope to achieve by sharing your story. This will increase the likelihood that the act of sharing will be a therapeutic experience for you. To learn more about things to consider before you begin, read this FAQ.

If you are feeling ready, survivors often note that sharing their story was the first step to making meaning of their experience, finding support, and regaining control. In general, survivors often describe a process of moving from silence and shame to freedom and empowerment after sharing their story either publically or with someone they trust. Other benefits noted include emotional processing, experiencing validation from others, receiving social support, identifying healthy and unhealthy coping strategies, and feeling catharsis by releasing pent-up feelings and tension related to trauma.

Sharing your experiences with others can help you process intense emotions. For example, traumatic events can make you feel isolated and like no one else can understand what you're going through. By telling your story, you may find that others can relate to your experiences, making you feel less alone and more validated in your emotions and reactions. Trauma can also lead to feelings of shame and guilt, even when what you experienced was not your fault. Opening up about these emotions can help dispel them and replace them with a more realistic understanding of the events.

While there are many ways you can share your story, at Our Wave we aim to create a safe and anonymous space for story sharing online. This is because, for some, online outlets are the safest or most comfortable place to share their experience for the first time. Others turn to online platforms when they feel inadequate social support, are seeking tailored information, or do not have access to in-person services. Sharing your story online has been shown to be helpful due to the ability of the internet to foster virtual communities of less visible groups, amplify non-traditional narratives to contradict normative perceptions of trauma and violence, and bring together people with similar experiences to validate and learn from each other. Further, online story sharing has been shown to improve trauma coping, meaning-making, and feelings of fulfillment through helping others. By reading the stories of others, survivors can find emotional support while breaking down myths that their experience is not “serious enough” to seek help for. By challenging these narratives, new narratives can emerge and a gateway to seeking help may be opened.

Because of the power of story sharing, there are some therapeutic techniques that help survivors use storytelling to "cognitively repraise" or reevaluate and reframe the event's meaning in their life. This can help survivors gain a sense of control over their trauma narrative as well as lead to a potentially new perspective and understanding. Traumatic experiences can be fragmented and disjointed in memory. By verbalizing the events, memories can slowly become integrated into a more cohesive format, making them easier to process and understand.

It's important to note that while sharing your story can be therapeutic for many, you might not be ready to tell your story today and that is okay. If you are feeling ready, consider sharing your story with our community here. Stories matter and are the only way we can amplify the lived experiences of survivors. You are not alone.

Question 17

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

Accepted Answer

After a sexual assault, a survivor can choose to have forensic exam (sometimes called a “rape kit” or “SANE exam”) completed at a hospital or designated rape crisis center with a specially trained medical professional.

A forensic exam typically assesses and documents any injuries, swabs for DNA evidence, and administers medication to prevent pregnancy and STD/STIs. This exam is free and is most effective when it is completed within 72 hours after an assault has occurred.

Having a forensic exam after an assault is a separate process from filing a report with law enforcement. You can choose to have evidence collected, but do not have to report your sexual assault at the same time if you don’t want to.

If you want to report your sexual assault, law enforcement will pick up any evidence and send it to a crime lab for testing. If you don’t want to report or are unsure, you can still have evidence collected, but it will be stored safely in case you want to report later.

States often limit how long you can wait to report a crime, ranging from 2-30 years. If you may be interested in reporting your assault at any point, look up these limits based on the state where your assault occurred.

These are difficult decisions to make. You are not alone if you feel overwhelmed or unsure on what to do. Know that there is no “right” choice—there is only the choice that is right for you.

Having evidence saved is different from the rape kit backlog. The backlog refers to cases where a survivor makes a report, but evidence is not analyzed for a DNA match. This happens when evidence is never sent to a crime lab, or when a lab takes too long to process it.

The backlog is an issue because the success of a legal case often depends on what evidence is available. The failure to process rape kits and test for DNA matches can affect whether a survivor obtains the justice they deserve.

While the rape kit backlog problem has improved substantially, we still have a very long way to go until all backlogged kits are properly tested. Reporting after an assault has historically been a complex issue. If you need help navigating your options, contact your local rape crisis center.

Question 18

I'm struggling with a situation involving my teacher who was engaging in inappropriate behavior with me. I was 15 and he was 25. At first, I thought he was just being friendly, but his behavior progressed to making sexual implications, calling me cute, and eventually expressing romantic feelings toward me. The school is now aware and handling the situation.
My parents aren't taking action, dismissing his behavior as 'just being friendly' despite clear evidence of grooming and inappropriate romantic interest. My homeroom teacher, who witnessed the grooming behavior, is concerned about my parents' lack of response.

I'm experiencing deeply confusing feelings. Even though I know his actions were wrong, a part of me still misses him, and I find myself wanting to protect him from consequences. The word 'cute,' which used to be a favorite compliment, now feels tainted and makes me uncomfortable when anyone uses it. I feel hopeless.

I feel lost about how to move forward or heal from this experience. Without support from my parents, I don't know where to turn or what steps to take. Can you help me understand what I'm feeling and what resources might be available to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with your experience and these complex feelings you're carrying. Your heart must feel so heavy right now, trying to make sense of everything that's happened. I am here with you. Let me try to provide some information to help support you and explain why your feelings make perfect sense.

When a teacher builds a relationship like this with a student, they're taking advantage of a very natural human desire to feel special and understood. At 25, your teacher knew that his role came with serious responsibilities to protect and support his students' wellbeing, not to pursue personal or romantic connections. What felt like friendship or special attention sounds like something you correctly named called grooming - where an adult carefully builds trust while slowly crossing boundaries. Understanding this process can help explain why you're feeling so confused now.

It's completely natural to have mixed feelings about someone who made you feel special, even when you know their actions were wrong. Many young people in similar situations find themselves missing the person who hurt them while simultaneously feeling hurt by their actions. This doesn't make you hopeless at all - it makes you human. These conflicting emotions often arise because grooming creates real emotional bonds, even though they're based on an unhealthy foundation.

Your reaction to the word "cute" shows how deeply this experience has affected you. When words that should be innocent compliments become tangled with manipulation and boundary violations, they can lose their joy and become painful triggers. This is a normal and unfortuntate response to what you've experienced, and it's okay to feel this way.

I hear how difficult it is that your parents aren't seeing the seriousness of this situation. It can feel incredibly lonely when the people who should protect you don't understand or validate your experience. Your homeroom teacher's concern confirms what you already know in your heart - this situation was inappropriate and concerning.

Moving forward, there are people who want to help you heal. School counselors are trained to handle situations like this with care and confidentiality. They can often connect you with specialized counselors who deeply understand what you're going through. These professionals can provide a safe space to sort through your feelings without any judgment, and they're skilled at helping young people recover from experiences like this. ChildHelp is a great online resource for you. There you can report your experience if you feel the adults in your life are not taking it seriously. They can also provide one-on-one support for situations like this through texting, call, and chat.

Remember: You did nothing wrong. Your teacher had a duty to be a safe, trustworthy adult in your life, and he chose to violate that trust. Your feelings - all of them - are valid responses to a confusing and harmful situation. You're not hopeless; you're showing incredible strength by reaching out and trying to understand what happened to you.

Take care of yourself. You deserve all the support and understanding in the world as you navigate this journey. You do not have to do this alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 19

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

Accepted Answer

It’s not always possible to leave an unhealthy environment, but creating a detailed safety plan can help minimize risk and help you navigate difficult living situations. Safety plans look different for everyone, and you decide what pieces are useful to you and your situation.

Living in an unhealthy environment is stressful and predicting when conflict or potential danger might erupt is difficult. In moments of tension, it’s hard to think clearly and know how to respond. Developing a safety plan helps you think through and plan for scenarios before they happen.

An exit plan can be critical for situations that might become dangerous. It can be helpful to think through belongings you would need to quickly leave, what door is easiest to access, who you will contact after leaving, and where you can go for safety.

Safe spaces could include the homes of nearby friends or family, a public space that is well populated and where you feel safe, or a housing shelter.

Safety plans can also be used to meet psychological and emotional needs. If it’s not possible or necessary to physically exit your environment, finding a safe and private space within your living space or nearby can be of equal importance for your mental wellbeing.

You don’t need to have a physical copy of your plan, especially if it would be a risk if found. Mentally planning is just as valid and useful. If you do write it out, try to keep it in a private place or in a password protected note, where it’s less likely to be found by others.

Safety planning is a tool that can help minimize risk, but remember that you are never responsible for someone else’s violent or abusive actions.

When you are unable to leave an unhealthy living situation, it can feel like you’re responsible for managing the emotions and behaviors of those around you. It’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and worth when your environment does not reflect back how important you truly are.

Your thoughts and feelings matter. You matter. You are never responsible for the hurtful actions of those around you. You are worthy of feeling safe and loved. https://ncadv.org/get-help

Question 20

How do I know if my experience counts as sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual trauma.

First of all, you are not alone. According to a 2007 Department of Justice survey, 35 percent of sexual assault victims didn't report their assault because it was "unclear that it was a crime or that harm was intended." Only you can define your experience, but honor the feelings you are feeling. Sexual assault can take many different forms, but one thing remains the same: it’s never your fault.

RAINN, the largest sexual violence organization in the US, defines sexual assault as "sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim." For the definition of rape, RAINN quotes the FBI: "Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim".

While these are the official definitions, know that all of your feelings and experiences are valid. Trauma does not only consist of the event(s) that occurred, but it also involves how you experience those events as well as the overall effect the event has on you afterwards.

Labeling your experience is up to you, but for many, putting a name to it allows them to more effectively deal with its aftermath. It is perfectly normal to have a delayed reaction: you just experienced something traumatic and it may take time to make sense of it. If you need help figuring out if what happened to you is sexual violence, call RAINN’s hotline at 800.656.HOPE.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Can there be medical evidence 10 years later after experiencing sodomy, rape or sexual assault?

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

How do I know if my experience counts as sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

What should I do if I am unable to leave an unhealthy environment?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Can you recommend resources and books on healing from sexual abuse?

Can there be medical evidence 10 years later after experiencing sodomy, rape or sexual assault?

What is the rape kit backlog and what are my evidence collecting options?

How do I know if my experience counts as sexual assault?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

How do I know if I was coerced into having sex?

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.

Resources

Post a Message

Ask a Question

How can we help?

Log in