Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

Why is it that some teens develop PTSD and others don't?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for asking this question. The development of PTSD after trauma depends on a complex interplay of factors unique to each teenager. Our brains during adolescence are still developing, particularly in areas that handle emotion regulation and stress response. Some teens naturally have a more sensitive stress response system due to their genetic makeup and family history of mental health conditions. This biological foundation acts as a starting point that influences how the brain processes and responds to traumatic experiences.

The nature and timing of the traumatic event also plays a crucial role. Research shows that trauma that is interpersonal (caused by other people) tends to have a stronger impact than impersonal trauma (like natural disasters). Additionally, trauma during adolescence can be particularly impactful because it occurs during a critical period of brain development and identity formation. When trauma is prolonged or repeated, it can create more significant changes in the brain's stress response system.

A teen's support system before, during, and after trauma strongly influences whether PTSD develops. Having supportive family, friends, and access to mental health resources can act as protective buffers against PTSD development. The immediate response after trauma is particularly important - receiving compassionate support, having feelings validated, and getting professional help when needed can significantly impact recovery. Conversely, teens in stressful environments with limited support may be more vulnerable to developing PTSD.

Previous trauma exposure also significantly affects PTSD development. If a teen has experienced earlier trauma, especially during childhood, their stress response system might already be more reactive. This doesn't mean they'll definitely develop PTSD, but it can make them more susceptible to its development after subsequent traumatic experiences.

Individual coping strategies and resilience factors play a vital role too. Some teens naturally develop more effective ways of processing difficult experiences, perhaps due to a combination of innate personality traits and learned skills. These might include problem-solving abilities, emotional regulation skills, and the capacity to seek help when needed. Others might use coping mechanisms that, while providing temporary relief, could actually increase the risk of PTSD development.

Cultural and societal factors also influence trauma response. Different cultures have varying ways of understanding and responding to trauma, which can affect how teens process their experiences. Access to mental health care, community support, and societal attitudes toward mental health all impact whether PTSD develops. Additionally, how a teen understands and interprets the traumatic event - particularly whether they internalize feelings of guilt or shame - can significantly influence their response.

Understanding these variations in PTSD development helps us recognize that there's no "right" or "wrong" way to respond to trauma. Each teen's reaction is shaped by their unique combination of biological, psychological, and social factors. Developing PTSD is not a sign of weakness, just as not developing it doesn't minimize the significance of the traumatic experience. What's most important is ensuring teens have access to support and understanding as they process their experiences, regardless of whether they develop PTSD. Thank you for asking this. We appreciate you seeking more understanding in this area.

Question 2

When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your intimate feelings with us. Feelings of guilt about not speaking up sooner are completely normal, but please know that keeping quiet was not wrong or your fault. Many people stay silent about uncomfortable or traumatic experiences, especially when they happen during childhood. Confusion about the nature of the touch is absolutely valid - our minds and bodies often need time to process experiences that feel violating or uncomfortable. Your courage in exploring these feelings now shows incredible strength.

There are several gentle ways to manage these feelings of guilt. For example, consider writing letters to your younger self, validating their choices and needs at the time. You could also try practicing self-compassion by speaking to yourself as you would a friend in the same situation. When guilt feels overwhelming, try grounding techniques like deep breathing or naming things you can see and touch. Remember that silence is a common trauma response - you did what you needed to do to feel safe.

Consider speaking with a trauma-informed counselor who can help you process these feelings and provide additional coping strategies tailored to your experience. They can help you understand that delayed disclosure is incredibly common and doesn't make your experience any less valid. You did what you needed to do to survive and cope, and that was exactly right for you at the time. We appreciate you reaching out. You are not alone

Question 3

How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. I hear how heavy and frustrating this feels for you right now. You are not alone. Living with trauma can sometimes feel like carrying a weight that just won't lift, and it's completely understandable to feel discouraged and frustrated when it seems like it's affecting everything in your life.

You know those moments when it feels like everyone else is moving forward while you're still working through this? That's such a lonely feeling, and I want you to know you're not alone in experiencing this. Many survivors, including myself, have felt that same fear that the impact of trauma will always be there, always affecting our choices and relationships.

When you're in that place of feeling like you'll never move past this, try to be gentle with yourself. Think about it - your brain and body developed these responses to help you survive. They're not character flaws or signs that you're broken - they're proof of your strength and resilience, even though they might not feel that way right now.

Something that might help when these feelings get really intense is reminding yourself: "I'm not starting over, I'm starting from experience." Every time you work through a hard day, every time you reach out (like you're doing right now), every time you choose to keep going despite feeling frustrated - that's not just surviving, that's actively healing.

Have you noticed any tiny moments, even just seconds, where you've felt different? Maybe a morning where you woke up feeling a bit more like yourself, or a moment where you caught yourself feeling joy unexpectedly? Those moments matter. They're like little windows showing us that change is possible, even when it feels impossibly slow.

You're allowed to feel frustrated with this process. You're allowed to wish it was moving faster. And you're also allowed to celebrate the small steps, even if they feel insignificant compared to where you want to be.

While I wish I had all the answers, what I do want you to feel after reading this post is just some hope that healing is possible. And that you are not alone. While your trauma may always play a role in your life, over time, its influence will feel less and less as you discover more about what makes you who you are.

Thank you for trusting us with this. We are here for you.

Question 4

How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. Disclosing a personal and possibly painful experience to a family member can be a daunting task, especially when there's fear of being judged. It's important to approach this conversation in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you.

First, consider choosing a time and place where you won't be interrupted and where you feel at ease. A private, quiet setting can help reduce anxiety and create a space where both of you can focus on the conversation. It might be helpful to plan what you want to say in advance. Writing down your thoughts or even rehearsing the conversation can provide clarity and boost your confidence.

When you're ready to start the conversation, you might begin by expressing that you have something important to share. Let your family member know that it's a difficult topic for you and that you hope they can listen with understanding. For example, you could say, "There's something I've been wanting to tell you that's been hard for me to talk about. I would really appreciate it if you could listen without judgment." This sets the tone and prepares them to receive sensitive information.

As you share your experience, speak from your own perspective using "I" statements to convey your feelings. This can help prevent the conversation from feeling accusatory and keeps the focus on your emotions and needs. You don't have to go into every detail—share only what you're comfortable with. It's okay to set boundaries if certain aspects feel too overwhelming to discuss.

Remember that it's natural for your family member to have their own emotional response, which might include shock, sadness, or confusion. They may need time to process what you've shared. If they react in a way that feels judgmental or dismissive, try to remind yourself that their initial reaction doesn't invalidate your experience. You might gently address this by saying, "I understand this might be hard to hear, but it's important for me to feel supported."

If you're worried about their reaction, consider bringing along someone you trust for additional support, or perhaps writing a letter if speaking face-to-face feels too difficult. Writing allows you to express yourself fully without interruption and gives the reader time to absorb your words.

Above all, prioritize your well-being throughout this process. It's a brave step to share something personal, and taking care of yourself is essential. After the conversation, allow yourself time to decompress and seek support from trusted friends or support groups if needed.

Remember, you have the right to share your story when and how you choose. Seeking understanding is a sign of strength, and reaching out can be a significant step toward healing. Thank you for asking this. You are not alone.

Question 5

Can I 'retraumatize' myself by constantly thinking about a traumatic event from my teenage years? I keep analyzing what I did or didn't do at the time. I kept it secret due to shame and guilt, and though it might not seem as 'severe' as other experiences, I wonder if my constant rumination could be harmful. Can overthinking make the trauma worse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and asking this important question about trauma processing. The concern about making things worse through rumination is something many survivors struggle with, and it's valid to want to understand how our thoughts might affect our healing.

When we repeatedly revisit a traumatic event in our minds, especially with feelings of shame or guilt, it can reinforce the negative emotions associated with that experience. It's like picking at a wound that hasn't fully healed - the constant attention can slow down recovery and keep the pain fresh. While it's possible for intense rumination to be distressing, analyzing what happened isn't the same as retraumatization. Retraumatization typically occurs through experiences that mirror the original trauma, not through thinking about it. However, constant analysis of the event without support or coping tools can be overwhelming and increase anxiety or distress.

The fact that you kept this experience secret during your teenage years due to shame and guilt is very common. Teenagers often struggle with sharing traumatic experiences because they're still developing their understanding of what happened, fear judgment, or worry about others' reactions. This secrecy doesn't make your experience any less valid or significant.

It's important to address your comment about your trauma not being "as severe as others." Trauma isn't a competition, and comparing our experiences to others often minimizes our own valid feelings and needs. What might seem "not as bad" to one person can still have a significant impact on another. Your experience and its impact on you are real, regardless of how it might compare to other situations.

When we find ourselves frequently analyzing past trauma, it often signals that our mind is trying to process and make sense of what happened. This is a natural part of healing, but it can become overwhelming without proper support. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you process these memories in a structured way, while learning grounding techniques can help manage overwhelming thoughts. Understanding that questioning past actions is normal, even though it can't change what happened, can help reduce self-judgment about these thoughts.

Consider giving yourself permission to feel what you're feeling without judgment. Remember that healing isn't about never thinking about the trauma - it's about finding safe ways to process it that help you move forward. Your desire to understand how to handle these memories shows awareness and a commitment to healing. There are ways to work through trauma that don't involve either constant rumination or complete avoidance. With support, you can find a balance that works for you.

You're not alone in this experience, and reaching out shows courage and self-awareness. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this healing process, and remember that it's okay to seek help when you need it. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 6

Why do teenagers often stay silent about traumatic experiences? When something bad happens during adolescence, what makes it so difficult to speak up and tell someone?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and asking this important question about why it's so hard for teenagers to speak up about traumatic experiences. The silence that often surrounds teenage trauma is complex and happens for many understandable reasons.

During adolescence, we're in a unique developmental stage where we're trying to figure out who we are while being extremely aware of how others perceive us. This heightened self-consciousness can make us feel like any negative experience might change how people see us or treat us differently. We often worry about being judged, not believed, or being seen as somehow responsible for what happened.

This silence can be especially powerful around experiences involving sex or sexuality, which often feel taboo or shameful to discuss during adolescence. Many teenagers grow up in environments where these topics aren't openly discussed, making it even harder to bring up experiences that involve sexual content or violation. There might be fear about being perceived as "damaged" or worry that adults won't understand the sexual aspects of the experience.

Teenagers also exist in this complicated space between childhood and adulthood. You're becoming more independent but still depend on adults for many things. This can create fear about how adults might react - whether they'll take over completely, dismiss your experience, or implement changes that make you feel like you've lost even more control over your life. Sometimes, there's also worry about burdening others or causing problems within your family or social circle.

The teenage brain processes emotions intensely while still developing the ability to understand and express complex experiences. This can make it feel overwhelming to try to put traumatic experiences into words. You might worry that you don't have the right language to explain what happened, or that you won't be able to convey how significant the experience feels to you.

There's often confusion about whether what happened was "bad enough" to tell someone about. Teenagers frequently minimize their experiences, thinking "maybe I'm overreacting" or "others have it worse." This self-doubt can be particularly strong if the experience falls into a grey area or if you're unsure how others might define what happened.

Shame and self-blame are also powerful silencers. Even when the traumatic experience wasn't your fault at all, it's common to feel like you should have done something differently or that you somehow brought it on yourself. These feelings can make you want to hide what happened rather than risk someone confirming these fears.

Understanding these barriers to disclosure can help us create better ways to support teenagers in speaking up about traumatic experiences. It's important to know that your hesitation to talk about difficult experiences is a normal response, not a personal failure. Whether you choose to talk about your experiences now or later, your feelings and reactions are valid. Thank you so much for asking this. We are here for you.

Question 7

How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us with your feelings and frustrations. The sense of injustice after trauma can feel overwhelming, and it's particularly hard when the very support system meant to help you heal doesn't feel like the right fit.

Feeling that life is unfair after trauma is a natural and valid response. You've experienced something that shouldn't have happened, and there's a profound unfairness in having to carry the weight of someone else's actions. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, or frustrated about this. These feelings aren't a failure of healing - they're a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

The challenge of feeling misunderstood in therapy adds another layer of difficulty. When we finally take the step to seek help, it can feel especially discouraging when that help doesn't resonate with our experience. Consider communicating openly with your therapist about feeling misunderstood - they can't address concerns they don't know about. However, if after sharing these feelings you still don't feel understood, it's okay to seek a different therapist who specializes in trauma and better fits your needs.

While we can't change the unfairness of what happened, there are ways to move forward while honoring these feelings. Many survivors find healing in channeling their sense of injustice into meaningful activities, whether through creative expression, advocacy, or helping others. Engaging in activities that bring you joy, practicing mindfulness, or connecting with supportive people can help balance these difficult emotions. Writing in a journal can help process thoughts and identify patterns or triggers, helping you understand the root of these feelings of unfairness.

Remember to practice self-compassion during this process. Set realistic expectations for healing and acknowledge even small steps forward. Focus on what you can control while recognizing that it's okay to feel angry about what you can't. Consider exploring relaxation techniques like meditation or deep breathing exercises to help manage overwhelming emotions when they arise.

Wrestling with the unfairness of trauma while trying to heal isn't a contradiction - it's part of the process. You don't have to pretend everything is okay or that you've made peace with what happened. Healing can happen alongside feelings of anger and injustice. Your feelings about life's unfairness are valid, and you deserve support that truly understands and validates your experience. Don't give up on finding the right help for you, and remember that seeking support shows remarkable strength and courage.

Remember that even when life feels deeply unfair, you can still find moments of peace and joy without invalidating your experience of injustice. Your resilience in facing these challenges while continuing to seek understanding and support shows incredible strength. Stick with it and know that healing is possible. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 8

I feel like it's too late for healing, and that I should have opened up about my trauma before. How do you shift from that mindset?

Accepted Answer

This is a really tough place to be in and we appreciate you reaching out and trusting us with these feelings. That weight of feeling "too late" for healing is something many survivors struggle with. Please know you're not alone in this experience. It's never too late to begin this journey, even though I completely understand why it might feel that way.

I want to start by acknowledging the immense strength it takes to even consider healing and to voice these feelings. The fact that you're questioning this shows that a part of you is reaching toward growth, even if another part feels uncertain. Both of these parts deserve to be heard and honored.

Let me share some approaches that other survivors have found helpful in shifting this mindset. Please take what resonates and leave what doesn't...healing is extremely personal.

When those thoughts about it being "too late" arise, try to pause and speak to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a dear friend who just trusted you with their story. What would you say to them? Would you tell them it's too late for their healing? This sort of "inner child work" is a great way to take steps towards being more compassionate and understanding towards ourselves.

Some survivors find it helpful to have physical reminders of this. For example, placing a hand on their heart and saying: "My pain knows no timeline. My healing belongs to me, and I can begin exactly where I am." While this might feel unfamiliar at first, these small gestures of self-compassion can slowly help reshape our internal dialogue. You might even place gentle reminders around your space - perhaps sticky notes with messages like "I deserve care at any age" or "My healing journey is my own."

Consider starting with just today. Rather than viewing healing as one overwhelming journey, ask yourself: "What's one tiny thing I could do today to show care to myself?" Maybe it's taking three deep breaths, drinking a glass of water mindfully, or feeling the sun on your face for a moment.

Finally, if it feels accessible, try building what some survivors call a 'proof collection' - small pieces of evidence that change is possible at any time. These might be stories of others who began their healing journey later in life, or tiny shifts you've noticed in yourself. You might even find it helpful to keep a small notebook for moments when you feel even slightly more connected to yourself or hopeful. These don't need to be big moments - perhaps just noticing the warmth of your morning coffee, or feeling soothed by the sound of rain.

Please know that every time you question these limiting thoughts, every time you reach out as you've done here, every time you consider the possibility of healing - these are already steps on your journey. You've already begun. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 9

Why can molestation have such a significant impact during adolescence, even if it only happened once? I'd like to understand more about the effects of single-incident trauma during the teenage years.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out with this important question. Molestation can have a profound impact on a teenager, even if it occurs only once, due to several interconnected reasons related to the developmental stage of adolescence and the nature of traumatic experiences.

Teenage years are a critical period of growth and development, both physically and emotionally. Adolescents are forming their identities, establishing personal boundaries, and learning to navigate complex social and interpersonal relationships. A violation like molestation can disrupt this natural development, causing confusion and uncertainty about personal safety, trust, and self-worth.

Molestation is a profound breach of personal boundaries and can shatter a teenager's sense of safety and trust in others. Even a one-time incident can make them question whether they can rely on the people around them, leading to feelings of isolation and vulnerability. This breach of trust can extend to relationships beyond the perpetrator, affecting friendships and family connections. Societal attitudes towards molestation and sexual abuse can also affect how a teenager perceives and processes the event. Victim-blaming, stigma, or misunderstandings about consent can add layers of confusion and distress.

Traumatic events don't have to be repeated to leave a lasting imprint. A single incident of molestation can trigger intense emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, anger, and confusion. Teenagers may internalize these feelings, believing they are somehow to blame or that something is wrong with them. They might also believe that they are unworthy, unsafe, or powerless, which can influence their behavior and choices moving forward. This can contribute to long-term issues like depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and post-traumatic stress.

Adolescents are still developing the cognitive and emotional tools needed to process complex experiences. They may struggle to articulate what happened or how they're feeling, making it difficult to seek help or support. Without proper guidance, they might resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, self-harm, or withdrawal from social activities.

Traumatic events can also alter brain development, particularly in areas related to stress response and emotional regulation. The body's "fight, flight, or freeze" response may become overactive, leading to hypervigilance or heightened anxiety. These physiological changes can persist long after the event, affecting overall mental health.

Addressing the impact of molestation promptly can make a significant difference in a teenager's healing process. Professional support from counselors or therapists specialized in trauma can help them understand their feelings, develop healthy coping strategies, and rebuild a sense of safety and trust.

Even a one-time incident of molestation can be deeply impactful for a teenager due to the violation of personal boundaries during a critical developmental stage. The emotional, psychological, and physiological effects can be far-reaching, influencing various aspects of their life. But healing is possible.

If you or someone you know has experienced molestation, reaching out to a trusted adult or mental health professional can be a crucial first step towards recovery. You are not alone and help is available. Thank you for asking us this. We appreciate it.

Question 10

Why didn't my parents recognize my trauma? There were clear signs - my behavior changed suddenly, and they tried to talk to me but I couldn't tell them what happened. I wish they had pushed harder for therapy or found ways to help me open up.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this painful question about parents missing signs of trauma. It's a complex situation that deserves careful exploration, as it touches on both the limitations parents may face and the very real hurt their children experience when trauma goes unrecognized.

When trauma occurs, children often show their distress through behavioral changes rather than words, especially if they're struggling to understand or express what happened. Parents might interpret sudden changes in behavior as part of normal development or typical adolescent challenges, attributing them to school stress or social issues rather than considering the possibility of trauma. This is particularly true when children haven't been able to directly communicate what happened to them.

The communication barriers between parents and children during trauma are especially challenging. Children often experience complex feelings of fear, shame, or confusion that make it difficult to open up about traumatic experiences. When children can't find the words to explain what happened, they might send mixed signals - both wanting help and pulling away from it. Parents might interpret this resistance to talking as a sign that the problem isn't severe, or they might feel helpless about how to break through that barrier without causing more distress.

Parents may also struggle with their own emotional responses to signs of their child's distress. Our brains often protect us from seeing things that are too painful to acknowledge, and parents might unconsciously minimize or normalize concerning behaviors because the alternative - that their child has experienced trauma - is too frightening to consider. Some parents might believe that giving space is the right approach, not realizing that their child needs them to be more persistent in offering support.

Your wish that they had insisted more on therapy reflects a deep understanding of what you needed at that time, even if you couldn't express it clearly then. Many survivors look back and see these missed opportunities for earlier intervention with pain and longing. Your insight about needing more help shows remarkable self-awareness and understanding of how professional support could have made a difference in your healing journey.

The relationship between trauma and parent-child communication is particularly challenging because trauma itself can make it harder to reach out for help. When children experience trauma, they often develop protective responses that include withdrawal, silence, or sending conflicting signals about needing support. Parents who aren't trained in trauma responses might not understand that a child's resistance to talking could actually be a sign of needing more support, not less.

If you feel comfortable, it might be helpful to share these feelings with your parents now. Understanding how their support could have made a difference might help them better respond to your needs in the present. However, this is entirely your choice, and it's also okay to focus on getting the support you need now through other trusted people or professionals.

Recognizing these missed opportunities now, while painful, is also a sign of your growing understanding of your own needs and experiences. This insight can be valuable for your healing journey, even if it comes with difficult feelings about the past. You deserve support in processing both the original trauma and the impact of having to navigate it without the full recognition and help you needed. Thank you for reaching out to us with this. We appreciate your trust.

Question 11

During a waxing appointment when I was 13, the technician inappropriately touched my breast area. Though my mom was nearby, I stayed quiet despite feeling uncomfortable. Now years later, I question whether this was 'traumatic enough' to be upset about, and struggle with why I didn't speak up at the time. When I tried discussing this with a therapist, I felt they didn't validate how traumatic this experience was for me. Can you help me understand these feelings?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. Your feelings of uncertainty and questioning are very common reactions to boundary violations, especially ones that occurred during adolescence.

First, let's address your question about whether this was "traumatic enough." There's no minimum threshold for what makes an experience traumatic or worthy of causing distress. What matters is how it impacted you. The fact that this memory has stayed with you and continues to cause discomfort years later indicates that it was significant to you, and that significance is valid.

The situation involved several concerning elements: you were very young (13), in a vulnerable position (receiving a medical/cosmetic service), and the touch was inappropriate and unexpected. Professional service providers have strict boundaries they must maintain, especially with minors. Your discomfort was a natural and appropriate response to this boundary violation.

Your reaction of staying quiet, even though your mother was nearby, is also completely normal and understandable. Many people, especially young people, experience what's called a "freeze" response when boundaries are violated. This can happen for many reasons: shock, confusion, fear of making a scene, uncertainty about whether the touch was intentional, or worry about not being believed. This response doesn't mean you "let it happen" or that it was your fault - it was your body's automatic protective response to an unexpected situation.

The fact that a therapist didn't seem to understand the impact of this experience might have reinforced feelings of doubt about its significance. Unfortunately, some professionals may not fully appreciate how violations of trust during adolescence, even ones that might seem "minor" to others, can have lasting effects on our sense of safety and trust. Their response reflects their limitations, not the validity of your experience.

Your ongoing feelings about this incident might be particularly complex because it occurred in what should have been a safe, professional environment, with a parent nearby. Such experiences can create confusion about trust, safety, and speaking up, which can have ripple effects into other areas of life.

Remember-- The impact of an experience isn't measured by how it compares to other traumas, but by how it affected you. Your feelings matter, and you deserve support in processing them. Please continue to seek help if they are impacting you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 12

Why do I keep questioning whether what happened was abuse? Sometimes it feels clear it was inappropriate touching, but other times I doubt my experience and find myself uncertain. Is this a common response for survivors?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with these complex and painful feelings. I know firsthand how exhausting and confusing it can be to question whether what happened to you was abuse. Your question touches on something many survivors experience, and these feelings of doubt are completely normal responses to trauma, even though they can feel overwhelming and isolating.

When we experience inappropriate touching or abuse, it often brings up a tangled web of emotions - confusion, fear, guilt, shame, and doubt can all exist at once. These intense feelings can make it really hard to process what happened or put clear labels on our experience. If the person involved was someone you knew or trusted, which is often the case, it becomes even more complicated. It's natural to hesitate in seeing their actions as harmful - acknowledging that someone close to us could cause harm challenges our whole understanding of that relationship and can be incredibly painful.

Society's mixed messages about boundaries and consent can add another layer of confusion. We might question whether our experience "counts" if it doesn't match what we typically hear about. You might catch yourself thinking "maybe I'm overreacting" or "it wasn't that bad." While this self-doubt is a common protective response, it can make it harder to trust your own instincts and feelings. Trust your gut.

One important other thing to share is how trauma affects our memory and ability to process events. Having gaps in your memory or struggling to piece together exactly what happened isn't unusual - it's actually your brain's way of trying to protect you, even though it can add to your confusion.

Please know, if an interaction left you feeling uneasy or unsafe, that alone is significant and valid. Your comfort and well-being matter. You have the right to trust your feelings and set boundaries, regardless of the situation or anyone else's intentions. Your experience is real, and your feelings about it are valid, even if you're still making sense of what happened. Thank you so much again for trusting us with this.

Question 13

When I was 8 years old and my brother was around 4, we engaged in inappropriate physical contact during play. I had previously experienced sexual abuse from another young family member, and I'm now concerned that I may have perpetuated harmful behavior. I've never discussed this with my brother, but I carry guilt about these interactions. I need help understanding these childhood events and whether I was acting out learned behavior from my own abuse.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing this deeply personal experience. It takes courage to reflect on your past and seek understanding about something that's weighing on you, especially when you fear you have caused harm to others.

When children engage in sexual behaviors with other children, it can be a complex issue influenced by various factors, including natural curiosity, exposure to sexual content, or as in your case, prior experiences of abuse. At the age of eight, you were still very much a child yourself, trying to make sense of the world around you with the limited understanding that comes with that age. This is a documented response to trauma, not a sign of predatory behavior.

Experiencing abuse from someone older might have introduced behaviors and concepts that you weren't developmentally ready to process. It's not uncommon for children who have been exposed to sexual acts to reenact them with others, not fully grasping the implications or the appropriateness of these actions. This doesn't make you a bad person; it means you were a child trying to navigate complex feelings and experiences without the necessary guidance or support.

Your concern about possibly having hurt your brother shows a deep sense of empathy and responsibility, which are important qualities. It's understandable to worry about the impact this might have had on him. However, it's important not to carry the burden of adult interpretations for actions you took as a traumatized child. At 8 years old, you were not capable of the kind of intentional abuse that an adult or even teenager would be.

That said, your feelings of guilt and concern are valid and understandable. These are complex emotions that deserve professional support to process. A therapist who specializes in childhood trauma could help you:

Process your own experience of abuse
Understand the context of your childhood behaviors
Work through feelings of guilt
Develop strategies for managing these memories
Consider whether and how to address this with your brother, if you choose to

Remember that seeking understanding doesn't mean excusing the behavior, but rather placing it in the context of your own trauma and developmental stage. You were a child who needed help and protection yourself. Be gentle with your younger self as you work through this. You're not alone, and reaching out is a significant first step. Thank you so much for reaching out to us.

Question 14

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you experienced was not okay, and I want you to know that none of it was your fault. The fact that you said no and were overridden shows that your boundaries were violated, and your feelings about this experience are completely valid.

It's understandable to feel uncertain about how to share such personal, painful memories with your sister, especially when it involves family dynamics that can be complicated. Revisiting these difficult experiences can stir up many emotions, and the thought of discussing them with someone close can feel frightening, even if you feel it's the right step. It might help to think about what you want from this conversation. Perhaps you want her understanding and support, or maybe you simply need someone in the family to know what happened. There is no wrong reason to speak up, and you're allowed to reveal as much or as little of your story as feels safe to you.

Some people choose a private, calm setting to allow each person the space to react without interruption. You might begin by letting your sister know you have something significant to share, that it might be hard to hear, and that you value her care and understanding. You could start by saying something like "I need to share something difficult with you about our childhood" or "There's something that happened between me and [sister's name] that I need you to know about." Speaking from your own perspective (e.g. "I experienced this," "I felt scared," or "I need you to understand what I went through") helps keep the focus on your feelings and experiences. You don't have to share every detail if it feels overwhelming. It's okay to set a pace that respects your comfort. If you find spoken words too difficult, writing a letter can be another way to express yourself and allow her to absorb what you're saying in her own time.

It's also normal to worry about how she might respond. She may be initially shocked, supportive, confused, sad, or perhaps not know the right words. She might even struggle to believe what you're telling her initially, and people often need time to process difficult information. This doesn't reflect on the validity of your experience or your decision to share it, and it doesn't lessen what happened or how important it is that you're sharing this. Family dynamics around these situations can be complicated, and you have every right to set boundaries about this conversation, including asking your sister not to confront the person who hurt you if you're not ready for that, or requesting that she keep this information private while you decide how you want to handle it.

If at any point speaking directly to her feels too overwhelming, it could be helpful to reach out first to someone more removed from the situation, maybe a trusted friend, counselor, or support line, who can provide reassurance and help you plan the conversation. Consider what kind of support you might need both during and after this conversation, whether that's having someone on standby or planning some self-care activities. Remember that disclosure is a process, not a single event, and you can share more information over time as you feel ready.

Telling someone about past harm can be an act of self-care and healing, even if it feels painful at first, and you deserve to have your truth heard with kindness and respect. Remember that this is your story, and you have a right to reveal it in the way that feels safest for you. Your courage in considering this conversation shows incredible strength, and you are not alone. There is support out there for situations just like this. Thank you for your trust.

Question 15

My friend's mom found a group chat on her phone with inappropriate sexual conversations (my friend wasn't participating, just in the chat because of other friends). Her mom got angry and reached toward my friend's private areas while yelling "do you want boys to touch there?!" My friend backed away, scared. She told me she's sure her mom would have touched her if she hadn't moved away. Is this sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

I'm really sorry to hear about what your friend went through. It can be incredibly upsetting and confusing when a parent crosses a boundary like that, and what happened to your friend was absolutely inappropriate and concerning behavior. Many parents do have intense reactions when they discover their children have been exposed to sexual content or conversations, often stemming from fear, protective instincts, or their own discomfort with sexuality topics. Parents may panic and react poorly when they feel their child's safety or innocence is at risk, sometimes leading to responses that are misguided or harmful even when their intentions come from a place of concern.

However, even understanding that parents can struggle with these situations, reaching out toward a child's private areas and threatening such an act goes beyond normal discipline and veers into sexual violation. A parent should never impose contact with a child's private areas for the purpose of intimidation, punishment, or control, regardless of how distressed or protective they feel. No one, including a parent, should touch a child's genital area without clear, appropriate reason (for instance, in a young child's basic care or a necessary medical context) and certainly not to scare or shame them. When a parent threatens to touch or attempts to touch a child's private areas in a sexual or punitive way, this crosses important boundaries and can be considered sexual abuse, regardless of the parent's stated intention or reasoning.

The fact that your friend felt scared and believed her mother would have followed through if she hadn't moved away speaks to how threatening and inappropriate this situation was. Sexual abuse doesn't require actual contact to be harmful. The threat, attempt, or intimidation can be traumatizing on its own. The power dynamic between a parent and child makes this behavior particularly problematic, as children depend on their parents for safety and care.

Your friend's fear and distress are completely valid responses to what happened. This wasn't her fault in any way. Parents have many appropriate ways to discuss online safety and appropriate behavior without threatening or attempting to violate their child's bodily autonomy. What her mother did reflects the mother's inappropriate response, not anything your friend did wrong.

If your friend is feeling unsafe, confused, or wants support, it might help to encourage her to talk to another trusted adult, like a school counselor, teacher, relative, or other family member about what happened. Many schools and communities have resources specifically designed to help young people navigate these difficult situations. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) also provides confidential support and can help connect her with local resources. She deserves to feel protected and respected in her own home, and there are people out there who understand these situations and can help guide her to the support she needs.

You're being a caring friend by taking this seriously and believing her. Your support as a friend matters tremendously. Continue validating her feelings and helping her understand that what happened wasn't normal or acceptable parental behavior. I hope your friend can find a trustworthy person to confide in so she doesn't have to handle this alone. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 16

When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about "testing me." This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced was inappropriate and concerning behavior from an adult. When you were curious about kissing as a young child, your aunt responded in a way that crossed boundaries and made you uncomfortable. Your discomfort was your natural instinct recognizing that something wasn't right, and you trusted that feeling by not complying with her pressure.

The fact that she waited until no one was watching and wouldn't have behaved this way in front of your parents shows she knew her behavior was inappropriate. Adults who have good intentions don't hide their interactions with children or pressure them into physical contact that makes them uncomfortable. Her comment about "testing you" is particularly troubling, as it suggests she was gauging your willingness to comply with inappropriate requests or assessing your vulnerability.

Your body's response, feeling uncomfortable and resistant, was exactly right. Children have an innate sense of what feels safe and what doesn't, and your instincts protected you in that moment. It's important to recognize that this experience may have affected you, even if you didn't fully understand what was happening at the time. Many survivors describe similar moments where an adult's behavior felt wrong, even when they couldn't articulate why.

This kind of boundary violation can impact how you feel about trust, physical affection, and your own instincts. If you're noticing effects in your life now, whether that's difficulty with intimacy, hypervigilance around certain people, or questioning your own perceptions, these are normal responses to an abnormal situation. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they are, are valid. Some people feel angry, others feel confused, and some feel a mix of emotions that can be hard to sort through.

You deserved to have your curiosity about normal developmental topics answered in age-appropriate, respectful ways that didn't involve pressure or hidden behavior. What happened wasn't your fault, and your decision to trust your discomfort and resist her pressure shows your strength, even as a young child. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 17

I've been hypersexual since I was very young, around 4 years old. When I was 5 or 6, I began engaging in certain behaviors while thinking about things that scared me, and I would often dissociate. I also had recurring nightmares about a shadowy figure trying to harm me. I've always struggled with attachment, becoming very clingy with people and having intense reactions when separated from them. I still experience hypersexuality and sometimes have confusing physical responses to traumatic situations. Recently, I had another disturbing dream similar to my childhood nightmares. I was sometimes left unsupervised with babysitters when I was very young. Could something have happened to me that I don't remember, and could this explain these experiences that started when I was so young?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like you have been carrying these worries for a long time, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. What you describe is actually more common than people realize. The patterns you've noticed, including the early onset of hypersexual behaviors, recurring nightmares about threatening figures, attachment difficulties, and physical symptoms like losing your grip, can indeed be indicators of early trauma, though they can also result from other factors like exposure to inappropriate content, family dynamics, or individual neurological differences.

Sometimes, a child's body can latch onto soothing or distracting behaviors in confusing ways, especially if they feel scared or anxious and don't have the words to express it. These behaviors don't mean you were "disgusting" or doing something wrong-- they may have been your body's way of coping with intense, frightening feelings or events. The dissociation you described (zoning out during these moments) is a common protective mechanism that children's minds use when they feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

It's natural to wonder if some form of sexual abuse or trauma is behind such early and intense sexual behaviors, particularly when they come with nightmares or strange memories that are hard to piece together. Your fear that you might have been harmed and don't fully remember is understandable. Many people worry about missing fragments of their past, especially if they recall circumstances that made them feel unsafe or unsupervised. The behaviors you described starting around age 4-6, combined with the dissociation and physical symptoms, are sometimes seen in children who have experienced sexual trauma. However, it's important to understand that these signs don't definitively prove that abuse occurred, and while I can't tell you for certain what might have happened, your concerns are valid and worth exploring.

Your body's responses, including the arousal you mentioned during traumatic situations, are actually common trauma responses that many survivors experience. This happens because our nervous systems can become confused during trauma. The same neurological pathways involved in pleasure can be activated during violence or fear. This response is involuntary and doesn't mean you wanted or enjoyed what happened. It's a biological reaction that many trauma survivors struggle with, and feeling shame about it is unfortunately common but undeserved. The attachment patterns you described (becoming intensely attached to people and having difficulty with separation) often develop as coping mechanisms when our early sense of safety has been disrupted.

Regarding your question about recovered memories, trauma memories from very early childhood can indeed be stored differently than regular memories, sometimes emerging as body sensations, nightmares, or behavioral patterns rather than clear recollections. While some people do recover memories of early trauma later in life, memory is complex, and it's also possible to have trauma responses without specific memories of events. Whether or not you ever recover specific memories, what matters most is addressing how these experiences are affecting you now.

The fact that these experiences still trouble you today, and that your thoughts or dreams bring you fear and discomfort, suggests you may benefit from talking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and attachment. That professional can help you sort out what feels confusing or overwhelming, understand these patterns, develop healthy coping strategies, and guide you at your own pace through working with the impact these experiences have had on your life. It may feel less frightening when you know there's someone there who won't judge you or rush you into talking about anything you're not ready to discuss yet.

You're not alone in having nightmares, worrying about missing pieces of your childhood, or experiencing body responses that feel out of sync with how you actually want to feel. These are not signs of being "bad" or beyond help. They're signs that your mind and body might still be asking for healing, reassurance, and a safe path forward. Your hypersexuality and other responses don't define you, and healing is possible regardless of what specifically happened in your early years. It takes courage to speak openly about these experiences, and reaching out for support, either with a counselor, an advocate at a local resource center, or someone else you trust, can bring you closer to feeling calmer about your past and better equipped to handle your present. You deserve understanding, compassion, care, and the opportunity to develop a healthier relationship with your body and sexuality as you figure this out.

Question 18

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us! It is completely understandable that you still feel affected by what happened, even after twelve years. Moments like the ones you describe, when someone touches you without asking and goes against your boundaries, can stay with you for a long time, no matter how young you were or how much time has passed. What you experienced was a violation of your boundaries and your bodily autonomy, and it's completely normal to question the nature of those experiences, especially when you cared about the person at the time.

Having a boyfriend does not make any unwanted sexual contact okay, and the fact that you were in high school does not lessen the seriousness of the situation. The key point is that he didn't ask for your consent or respect your comfort level, and that's the part that can linger in your mind and body years later. Many survivors wonder why they still think about past boundary violations, even much later in life. It can feel confusing to revisit the memories and wonder if you should have "gotten over it" by now.

Trauma doesn't follow a timeline, and there's no expiration date on how long something can impact you. Our bodies and minds often store memories of non-consensual contact, and they can resurface when something reminds us of them or when we grow older and gain perspective. The public nature of these incidents may have added additional layers of complexity. Like perhaps feelings of helplessness, embarrassment, or confusion about why someone who was supposed to care about you would disregard your comfort and safety.

Only you can decide how to name and understand your experiences. Whether you choose to call what happened assault or use different words entirely, your feelings and reactions are valid. The person you were back then may not have known exactly how to define what was going on, and that is common. Even if you weren't physically harmed, you were still subjected to non-consensual touching, and the emotional weight of that can be just as significant.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the impact these experiences have had, even if they feel like they happened ages ago. Your healing process belongs to you, and there's no right or wrong way to process what you went through. The worry, confusion, or sense of violation you're feeling now is valid and doesn't diminish with time for everyone. What matters is that you were uncomfortable and did not consent to that kind of touching. No amount of time passing changes the fact that he crossed your boundaries, and you have every right to continue healing and finding peace on your own timeline. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 19

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 20

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

Why is it that some teens develop PTSD and others don't?

When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

Why do teenagers often stay silent about traumatic experiences? When something bad happens during adolescence, what makes it so difficult to speak up and tell someone?

How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

I feel like it's too late for healing, and that I should have opened up about my trauma before. How do you shift from that mindset?

Why can molestation have such a significant impact during adolescence, even if it only happened once? I'd like to understand more about the effects of single-incident trauma during the teenage years.

Why didn't my parents recognize my trauma? There were clear signs - my behavior changed suddenly, and they tried to talk to me but I couldn't tell them what happened. I wish they had pushed harder for therapy or found ways to help me open up.

Why do I keep questioning whether what happened was abuse? Sometimes it feels clear it was inappropriate touching, but other times I doubt my experience and find myself uncertain. Is this a common response for survivors?

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why is it that some teens develop PTSD and others don't?

How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

Why didn't my parents recognize my trauma? There were clear signs - my behavior changed suddenly, and they tried to talk to me but I couldn't tell them what happened. I wish they had pushed harder for therapy or found ways to help me open up.

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

I feel like it's too late for healing, and that I should have opened up about my trauma before. How do you shift from that mindset?

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

Why do teenagers often stay silent about traumatic experiences? When something bad happens during adolescence, what makes it so difficult to speak up and tell someone?

Why can molestation have such a significant impact during adolescence, even if it only happened once? I'd like to understand more about the effects of single-incident trauma during the teenage years.

Why do I keep questioning whether what happened was abuse? Sometimes it feels clear it was inappropriate touching, but other times I doubt my experience and find myself uncertain. Is this a common response for survivors?

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

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