Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past.

The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. While it is natural to feel some guilt, you have the right to make choices that prioritize your safety and well-being. Avoiding the person who sexually coerced you is a completely understandable response, and it's okay to take steps to protect yourself.

We hope this goes without saying, but it is NOT your fault what happened to you. Consent needs to be clear and enthusiastic for it to be valid. No matter what the circumstances were, no one has the right to touch you without your consent. It's not your responsibility to make this person feel better or to justify your choices to anyone else. But we understand that this is a challenging situation to navigate.

It is hard to say whether or not this person knows the extent of the harm they caused. And it is up to you whether or not you feel comfortable telling them about that harm. At the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you and your healing. There is no right or wrong answer, but do not sacrifice your comfort for theirs. Your feelings matter too.

Thank you again for reaching out to us. We are here for you every step of the way. You are not alone.

Question 2

Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and for having the courage to seek clarity. Your question is not uncommon and touches on important aspects of consent and sexual abuse.

In situations like the one you've described, where there was no verbal consent and you felt obligated to reciprocate even though you didn't really want to, this could indeed be considered a form of sexual abuse or coercion. Consent should always be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given - not something you feel pressured into or obligated to provide.

It's important to understand that sexual abuse doesn't always involve explicit force or verbal threats. Feeling unable to say no or feeling that you "have to" participate are signs that true consent was absent. Your body's response or your decision to reciprocate in the moment doesn't negate the lack of initial consent or the pressure you felt.

Many survivors have similar experiences and struggle with feelings of confusion or self-doubt afterwards. It's common to freeze or comply in these situations as a survival mechanism. This doesn't mean you consented or that what happened was okay.

Your feelings about this experience are valid, whatever they may be. It's okay if you're unsure how to label what happened or if your feelings about it are complex or changing. Healing from such experiences is a personal journey, and there's no "right" way to feel or respond.

If you're struggling with this memory or its impacts, consider reaching out to a counselor or therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your feelings and help you develop coping strategies.

Remember, you're not alone in this. Many people have grappled with similar experiences. It's okay to take time to process your feelings and to seek support if you need it. Your well-being is important, and you deserve to feel safe, respected, and in control in all your interactions. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 3

What should you do if you experienced repeated victimization at a young age and were unaware that you were coerced by an adult to inflict child-on-child sexual abuse onto other children? How can you make amends with the people you harmed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing this experience with us. I imagine coming to that realization was extremely challenging for you and may have left you with many questions and fears. To start, I want to acknowledge your own vicitimzation that you experienced. The abuse you experienced matters and is important, despite the harm this person may have manipulated you to do in the aftermath.

The first thing you can do is acknowledge the trauma you experienced and work towards your own healing. This may involve seeking support from experienced mental health professionals who can provide trauma-informed therapy tailored to your specific needs. It may also involve engaging in self-care practices, cultivating a supportive social network, and participating in trauma-informed support groups to foster a sense of safety, self-reflection, and community. If you are not ready for more formalized support, holistic approaches such as mindfulness, creative expression, and physical activities can also contribute to the healing process by promoting emotional regulation and self-discovery. You want to be sure you are in a good place mentally and physically before you address the harm you may have unintentionally caused others.

If you are considering apologizing and trying to make amends to the people you have harmed, it is crucial to approach the situation with genuine remorse, accountability, and respect for the other person's boundaries. Prior to initiating contact, reflect on your actions and their impact, and be prepared to take full responsibility for the harm caused. While it is important to give yourself some grace given the circumstances of the abuse you experienced, communicate your apology sincerely, without making excuses or expecting forgiveness, and be receptive to the other person's response, whether they choose to accept your apology or not. Additionally, demonstrating tangible efforts to change harmful behavior and seeking guidance from a qualified professional can further facilitate the process of making amends and promoting healing for all parties involved.

You do not need to go through this alone. You may want to consider seeking guidance from a qualified mental health professional to address the underlying impacts of this realization, understand the consequences of your actions, and develop a comprehensive plan to ensure the safety and support of those affected. They can help you practice having these difficult conversations and support you in the aftermath.

In addition, engaging in restorative justice practices with a trained facilitator may also be a way to have a more structured conversation about the harm caused and how to make amends, if parties agree to do so. Restorative justice for sexual harm often entails facilitated dialogues between the survivors and the person who caused harm, along with other affected parties, aiming to foster understanding, accountability, and healing. This process typically includes acknowledging the harm, discussing its impact, and collaboratively devising a plan for restitution, often under the guidance of trained facilitators or mediators.

No matter what you decide, we sincerely appreciate you sharing this experience with us. We hope this answer gave you some direction to move forward with, recognizing this situation is extremely delicate and complicated.

You are not alone.

Question 4

My cousin, who was slightly older, pressured me into exposing myself when I was younger (around 8-12 years old). I don't remember him touching me, but I've blocked out many memories. For years, I convinced myself it was just a dream. Now that I am older, I'm facing what happened, but I'm unsure how to label my experience. Can I say I was sexually assaulted or harassed? I don't want to use a label that isn't accurate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience. What you've been through is difficult, and reaching out to us takes a lot of courage. Thank you for trusting us with something so personal.

I want you to know that what you've described can certainly be a form of sexual abuse, specifically child-on-child sexual abuse. Your cousin's behavior of pressuring you to expose yourself was inappropriate and seems to be harmful to you, regardless of whether physical touching occurred. It's important to understand that sexual harassment and abuse do not need to involve actual touching to be valid or impactful.

One key factor in distinguishing abusive behavior from normal childhood exploration is the presence of distress or discomfort. The fact that you didn't want to participate and felt pressured indicates that this was not mutual, consensual exploration. Your feelings of discomfort and the lasting impact of these experiences further suggest that this was abusive behavior.

The process of labeling such experiences can be complex and deeply personal. You are the expert of your own experience, and your feelings and perceptions are valid regardless of how you choose to describe what happened to you. Some survivors find using specific labels empowering as it can validate their feelings, help them understand their experiences, and potentially access specific resources or support. Labels can also provide clarity for legal purposes if that ever becomes relevant. However, others may choose not to label their experiences due to the complexity of their situation, discomfort with certain terms, uncertainty due to fragmented memories, or as part of their personal healing process.

In terms of specific labels, what you've described could be accurately termed as sexual abuse, sexual coercion, or sexual harassment. The term "sexual assault" is often used when there's physical contact, but definitions can vary. "Sexual abuse" is a more general term that might be the most appropriate for your situation, but it's entirely up to you whether you want to use this or any other term.

It's completely okay if you're unsure about how to label your experience or if you prefer not to label it at all. Your healing journey is personal, and what matters most is finding ways to process your experiences and emotions that feel right for you.

Also, it's common for survivors to block out or have fragmented memories of abuse as a coping mechanism. Your mind's way of dealing with it by telling yourself it was a dream is also a normal response to trauma. Many survivors use similar strategies to cope with difficult experiences. As you continue to process these experiences, consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who can provide personalized support and guidance.

Remember, whether or not you choose to use a specific label, your experiences and feelings are valid. The pressure and coercion you experienced were real and distressing for you. Be patient and compassionate with yourself throughout this process and prioritize what you need to heal going forward. Thank you again for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 5

I experienced two years of sexual harassment and unwanted touching from a former friend, and my entire friend group turned against me. When I discovered my parents' hurtful text messages about the situation, I felt like I deserved what happened and haven't told anyone for the past year. Instead, I turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms and my life spiraled. Now my parents don't trust me, but they don't know about the trauma I never processed. I want to tell them so they understand my behavior, but I'm afraid of causing them stress. I feel trapped between needing to appear perfect and hiding my struggles. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. First, I want to be absolutely clear: you did not deserve what happened to you. Sexual harassment and unwanted touching are never your fault, regardless of how "nice" someone is or any other circumstance. The fact that your friend group turned against you and your parents' messages were unsupportive only added layers of harm to an already painful situation.

When we experience trauma, our brain seeks ways to manage overwhelming emotions and regain control. Your turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms was your brain trying to protect you the only way it knew how. Similarly, the pressure you feel to maintain a perfect image is a common protective response. When we've experienced violation and betrayal, sometimes we try to control everything else in our lives to feel safe. This perfectionistic behavior can feel like armor - if you do everything "right," maybe you can prevent future hurt or finally earn the support and understanding you deserve. But this is an impossible and exhausting standard to maintain.

Your worth isn't determined by your perfection. The mistakes you've made while trying to cope with trauma don't make you less deserving of support and understanding. In fact, trying to maintain a perfect facade often prevents us from getting the help we truly need. It's like trying to heal a deep wound while pretending you're not bleeding - it only makes the healing process harder and lonelier.

Regarding telling your parents, while opening up could help them understand your behavior better, you need to prioritize your emotional safety. Consider preparing for the conversation by writing down your thoughts first, even if you never share them. Choose a calm time and neutral location, and ensure you have support lined up for afterward. You don't have to share everything at once - you can decide what feels safe to disclose.

When you do have the conversation, you might start with "I need to share something difficult that happened to me." Use "I" statements to express your feelings, like "I felt alone" or "I need support right now." When addressing the texts you saw, you could say something like "When I saw those messages, I felt completely alone and like I deserved what happened." Express that maintaining a perfect image has been exhausting and that you need space to be honest about your struggles. Remember that you can take breaks whenever needed - it's okay to say you need a moment.

There are several ways to approach this conversation. You might start with one parent if you feel closer to them, have a counselor present for support, share information gradually over several conversations, or write them a letter and be present while they read it. The approach you choose should be what feels safest and most manageable for you.

Throughout this process, remember that you control how much you share and when. Their initial reaction isn't necessarily their final one, and you can pause or stop the conversation at any point. You don't have to justify or explain your actions or feelings, and you don't need to manage their emotions - focus on expressing your needs. If they respond poorly, this reflects their limitations, not your worth. Real strength isn't about being perfect - it's about being honest with yourself and others about your struggles.

Healing isn't linear, and you don't have to be perfect. You've survived something incredibly difficult, and you're showing tremendous strength by recognizing you need support and wanting to address this. Take things one step at a time. The first priority is getting support for yourself. Everything else, including conversations with your parents, can happen when and if you feel ready and have the right support in place. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support in processing them, whether or not you choose to tell your parents right now. Remember, the people who truly care about you don't need you to be perfect - they just need you to be real.

Question 6

I experienced sexual abuse and neglect as a young child. I was frequently left alone between ages 3-6, during which time I was sexually abused multiple times by older boys. By age 6, I experienced severe physical abuse before being removed from that environment. Things improved for about two years, but at age 8, I did something inappropriate to my younger cousin. I've struggled with overwhelming guilt and shame ever since. This, combined with my earlier trauma, has led to severe depression, suicide attempts, and a psychotic episode where this information first came out. I've never received specific advice about this situation. How can I understand these experiences and begin to heal from both the trauma I experienced and the harm I caused?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to put your story into words, especially when you've carried this pain for so long without support. What you've described involves complex trauma - both harm you experienced and behavior that you now recognize was harmful.

From such a young age, you faced profound neglect and sexual abuse that no child should ever experience. These traumatic events likely had profound effects on your developing brain and understanding of relationships. Children who experience sexual abuse often don't have the developmental capacity to process these experiences. Without proper adult protection and guidance, trauma can fundamentally shape a child's understanding of boundaries, safety, and relationships.

When you mentioned what happened with your cousin at age eight, it's important to understand that children who have experienced severe trauma sometimes reenact behaviors related to their own abuse. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but provides context - you were a child trying to make sense of experiences far beyond your capacity to process at that age. The shame and guilt you've carried since then reflect your moral awareness and genuine remorse, but holding onto extreme shame indefinitely isn't helpful for healing.

The fact that you've attempted suicide multiple times speaks to the immense weight you've been carrying. These feelings of guilt, shame, and depression are common among survivors of childhood trauma, but they do not have to define you or your future. What happened to you was not your fault. You were a child who deserved love, care, and protection, and the adults responsible for your wellbeing failed you.

Healing from such deep wounds requires support. A trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can help you understand the connections between your early experiences and later behaviors, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and work through the complicated feelings of being both someone who was harmed and someone who caused harm. Approaches like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), EMDR, or sensorimotor psychotherapy can be particularly helpful. If you ever feel like you are in crisis again, please call 998 or access their online chat. You matter.

Please know that your past experiences and actions don't define your entire worth as a person. Many people with histories similar to yours have found ways to heal, make meaningful amends, and build fulfilling lives. The fact that you're seeking understanding suggests you have the capacity for growth and healing. Recovery is possible, though it takes time and patience. Please be gentle with yourself - you deserve compassion and understanding. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 7

I am 24 and lately I've been recalling a childhood memory from when I was 4 years old, playing with my doll in a sexual way. I was aware it wasn't appropriate because I remember hiding it when my mother approached. A few years later, I recall making my dolls engage in sexual acts. I don't have memories before this age, and my later memories don't include similar behaviors. I haven't discussed this with anyone. Was I just a "weird child" or could it possibly indicate I experienced sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal and difficult to discuss. Many adults look back at childhood behaviors and wonder what they might mean, especially when they involve sexual play at a young age.

Children are naturally curious about their bodies and the world around them. At age four, exploring one's body and experiencing different sensations is often a normal part of development. Using dolls in play that involves body exploration can be a way for children to understand and process new feelings, even without fully grasping what they're doing. Your awareness about hiding these actions when you heard your mother suggests that even at a young age, you had picked up on subtle social cues about privacy and what behaviors were considered appropriate in different contexts.

As for making dolls engage in sexual acts when you were older, imaginative play can sometimes reflect things a child has seen or heard in their environment. This exposure doesn't necessarily mean direct abuse; it could come from inadvertently witnessing a scene on television, overhearing adult conversations, or other indirect sources. Children often process and make sense of their world through play.

It's also completely normal not to have memories before age 4. Most people experience what psychologists call "childhood amnesia," where early memories aren't stored in ways that allow later conscious recall.

What's most important is how these memories are affecting you now. There's nothing "weird" about you for having had these experiences or for questioning them as an adult. Being curious about your past and wanting to understand yourself better shows self-awareness and thoughtfulness. If these thoughts continue to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist could provide a supportive space to explore these questions at your own pace, without imposing any particular interpretation on your experiences.

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 8

I experienced several instances of sexual boundary violations beginning when I was 3 years old, involving older children who had themselves been exposed to abuse. At age 7, I repeated some of these behaviors with a younger friend, treating it as a 'game' like it had been presented to me. Years later in high school, this friend tried to reconnect with me, but I avoided her out of guilt. Am I a bad person? Was this COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse)? How can I manage my guilt, especially when my friend seemed ready to forgive me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on and talk about such difficult childhood experiences, especially ones that have been weighing on you for so long.

What you've described reflects a common pattern in childhood sexual behaviors that stem from early exposure to inappropriate sexual content or experiences. The situations you encountered with the older boys at ages 3, 5-6, and 6 sound like boundary violations where you were harmed, and it's crucial to understand that none of this was your fault. Children often learn and mimic behaviors from those around them, especially when they lack proper guidance or education about boundaries and consent.

When you later repeated these behaviors with your friend at age 7, it's important to recognize that you were still a child trying to make sense of the experiences you'd been exposed to. Children at that age don't have the cognitive or emotional maturity to fully understand the consequences of such actions. You didn't have malicious intent or the awareness to grasp the potential impact.

Your current feelings of guilt actually reflect your growth, empathy, and the person you've become. It's natural to look back with adult understanding and feel responsible for actions taken as a child. However, this guilt is also a sign of your moral compass and emotional development, not evidence that you are a "bad person." You were a child responding to experiences without adequate protection or guidance.

Regarding your friend who wanted to reconnect in high school, her willingness to befriend you suggests she may not hold negative feelings about the past or perhaps doesn't view it through the same lens of harm that you now do as an adult. People process experiences differently, and her openness to friendship could be meaningful.

To work toward healing and easing the guilt you feel, consider acknowledging your feelings as valid while understanding the context of your childhood. Many survivors find that working with a trauma-informed therapist can help process these complex emotions and develop self-compassion.

Remember that healing is a journey, and it's okay to take the time you need. You deserve compassion and forgiveness—especially from yourself. Our past experiences shape us but don't define who we are today. You've grown and learned, which is evident in your reflection and concern about these past events. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you.

Question 9

I'm trying to understand something that happened in my childhood with my stepsister. My memories are hazy, but I remember engaging in inappropriate physical contact with her a few times. We were close in age (I was a few months older), and though we both initiated at different times, I feel guilty because I had experienced sexual abuse from an adult when I was 8 and feel I should have known better.

The contact didn't involve nudity or direct touching of private areas, but rather rubbing our bodies together while clothed. I'm struggling to understand whether this was childhood exploration or if I contributed to COCSA. Both of us now struggle with mental health in different ways, and I wonder about the impact of these experiences.

How can I make sense of this, especially given my own history of abuse? I'm not trying to excuse what happened, but I need help understanding it.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for having the courage to reach out and try to understand this complicated childhood experience. I hear how much you're struggling with guilt and trying to make sense of what happened.

First, please know that it's very common for children who have experienced sexual abuse to engage in sexual behaviors with other children. This isn't because they're "bad" or want to harm others - it's often a way of trying to process their own trauma or understand what happened to them. The fact that you're questioning and feeling concern about this shows your compassion and desire to understand.

The fact that both you and your stepsister initiated at different times, and that you were so close in age, suggests this was more likely mutual exploration rather than one child exerting power over another. While you were a few months older, at that age, such a small age gap doesn't typically create the kind of power dynamic that defines COCSA.

Your own experience of abuse at age 8 complicates this situation. Children who have been abused often have different understandings of boundaries and sexual behavior than their peers - not because they're at fault, but because their normal development has been interrupted by trauma. You weren't in a position to "know better" - you were a child trying to make sense of your own experiences.

The guilt you're feeling shows your concern for your stepsister and your strong moral compass, but it's important to remember that you were both children. The behavior you described - while inappropriate - seems to have stayed within certain boundaries (remaining clothed, no direct touching of private areas), which suggests there was some level of understanding about limits, even then.

If you're concerned about how these experiences might have affected either of you, a trauma-informed therapist could help you process these memories and feelings. They can help you understand the connection between your own abuse and later behaviors, and work through the guilt you're carrying.

You can acknowledge that something wasn't appropriate while also understanding that you were a child who had experienced trauma yourself. Being gentle with your younger self doesn't mean excusing the behavior - it means understanding it in the context of your own experiences and development at that time. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 10

I'm not sure if my cousin crossed boundaries or if I'm reading too much into it. I (22f) met my first cousin (25m) for the first time two days ago. Yesterday we went out for dinner (his treat), then went back to his hotel room in the city. We were chatting and watching videos on the bed when he started playfully trying to take my vape, easily pinning my arms with one hand. After that, I became uncomfortable as he positioned himself very close behind me with his beard touching my neck and his hand on my waist. Despite my discomfort, he repeatedly asked for cuddles, which I declined. He continued putting his hand on my waist, hip, and thigh, squeezing my thigh and running his hand up to my ribs. I moved his hand away several times but didn't explicitly say stop. Eventually, I pretended to fall asleep until he left me alone. Am I overreacting to this situation? I've never had cousins before and don't know if I'm making this a big deal for no reason.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you've described is absolutely a valid reason to feel uncomfortable. When someone continues to touch you after you've physically moved their hand away multiple times, they are ignoring your non-verbal communication of boundaries. Consent should be enthusiastic and ongoing - the absence of a verbal "no" does not equal consent, especially when you were clearly communicating discomfort through your actions.

Your body's reaction of "turning off" and pretending to sleep is actually a common trauma response. When faced with uncomfortable or threatening situations, our bodies sometimes react with "freeze" responses alongside the more commonly known "fight or flight" responses. This is not something you chose to do - it's how your body protected you in that moment.

It's important to trust your instincts. If something didn't feel right to you, then it's worth acknowledging. Physical touch between family members varies across different families and cultures, but what matters most is how the touch made you feel. The pattern you described - pinning you down, persistent touching despite your resistance, and touching intimate areas like your thighs - goes beyond typical familial interaction regardless of cultural background.

You're not overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. It's completely normal to question your own experience, especially when dealing with someone who is family. This questioning doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid - in fact, it's very common for people who experience boundary violations to wonder if they're "overreacting." Your feelings of discomfort are important information.

Moving forward, you get to decide what boundaries you want to set with this cousin. This might include not being alone with him, meeting only in public places, or whatever feels safe to you. It might also be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you're feeling—whether that's another family member, a close friend, or a professional. They can provide support and help you process what happened.

Remember that you don't need to justify your boundaries to anyone - they are yours to set based on what helps you feel safe and comfortable. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all your interactions. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. We appreciate you.

Question 11

When I was a child, I had a sleepover at my cousin's house. My cousin, who was about a year older, would often pick on me. During this sleepover, while we were sharing a room, my cousin pressured me to imitate sexual acts with her. I said no, but she wouldn't let me sleep until I participated. The memory is really foggy. I think we kept our clothes on and I remember being made to lay on top of her at some point. I felt very uncomfortable and just wanted it to be over so I could sleep. I never told anyone about it, and I don't really know how to talk about it when I don't remember everything clearly. Recently, I've been struggling and experiencing emotional flashbacks to that night. Does it count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) if it only happened once? Is it normal to not properly remember what happened?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you're experiencing these difficult flashbacks and struggling with this painful memory. It takes courage to reach out and share something so personal, especially when the memories feel unclear. Your feelings and your experience matter, and you deserve compassion and support as you work through this.

Only you can define and label your own experiences. That's entirely your choice and your right. What you're describing, however, contains several concerning elements. Normal childhood sexual exploration typically involves curiosity between peers of similar ages, happens with mutual interest or agreement, and doesn't involve coercion or distress. In contrast, your experience involved you clearly saying no, being pressured until you complied, feeling uncomfortable throughout, and wanting it to stop --these are significant aspects that point toward harmful behavior rather than normal exploration.

The fact that this happened only once doesn't diminish its impact or significance. Harmful experiences don't need to be repeated to be valid or to cause lasting effects. It sounds like your cousin used manipulation and refused to respect your boundary when you said no, which created a coercive situation regardless of the frequency.

It's completely normal and very common not to remember traumatic experiences clearly, especially those that occurred in childhood. Memory gaps, foggy recollections, and fragmented memories are actually typical responses to trauma. Your brain may have protected you by not storing every detail of a distressing experience. The emotional flashbacks you're experiencing now are also a common trauma response. Your body and emotions remember the impact even when your mind doesn't retain all the specifics.

Your feelings about this experience are valid, regardless of how much you remember or how you choose to understand it. The neglect you were experiencing at home may have made you more vulnerable to this situation and less likely to speak up about it afterward. The fact that you're experiencing distress about this memory now is significant and worthy of attention and care.

These recent emotional flashbacks suggest that your mind and body are ready to process this experience now, even though it happened years ago. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood experiences. They can help you navigate these memories and feelings in a safe, supportive environment, regardless of how you ultimately choose to understand or label what happened. You deserve care and support as you work through this experience, and you don't have to carry this alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 12

When I was young, around 7 or 8, a peer at a holiday program initiated sexual activity with me. I believe he was mimicking pornography he'd seen. We engaged in various inappropriate acts including undressing and other intimate behaviors. Later, around age 10-11, my best friend introduced me to sexual topics which we treated like a game, eventually leading to sexual activity during sleepovers that was mutual but made me uncomfortable. Since then I've had a high libido that I don't always enjoy. I understand the significance of sex now and regret these experiences. Is it fair to consider these instances child-on-child sexual assault when we might both have been victims? Or was it just immaturity and experiences I now regret? I haven't told anyone because I'm unsure if it affects me enough to warrant discussion, and I worry about burdening my mother who already helps with my mental health struggles.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences with us. It takes tremendous courage to reflect on these memories and express your feelings about them. What you're describing sounds complex, deeply personal, and what some experts might call "problematic sexual behavior between children" or "sexually harmful behavior."

Looking back on childhood events, especially those involving early sexual experiences, can be challenging to make sense of with the understanding we have now. Children often explore and mimic behaviors without fully grasping their meanings or consequences, particularly when they've been exposed to things that aren't age-appropriate, like pornography.

In both situations you described—at the holiday program and with your best friend—you and the other children were navigating confusing territory without proper guidance. It's important to understand that these early experiences weren't your fault, regardless of whether you participated willingly at the time. Children cannot truly consent to sexual activity because they don't fully understand the implications or have the emotional maturity to make those decisions.

The physical responses you described—freezing, shaking, and later developing a high libido—are common reactions to early sexualization. Your body and mind were processing experiences you weren't developmentally ready for. The discomfort you felt, despite continuing to participate, suggests these experiences may have indeed been harmful to you.

Your question about whether these experiences constitute child-on-child sexual assault is nuanced. While both you and the other children involved may have been victims of circumstances (exposure to adult sexual content, for instance), the interactions still violated normal developmental boundaries. Many experts would consider the first incident particularly concerning given your young age and the nature of the activities, but only you can label what you experienced.

It's completely understandable that you haven't shared these experiences with anyone. Many survivors worry about burdening loved ones or question whether their experiences "count" as traumatic enough to discuss. There's no threshold of harm you need to meet to deserve support. If these memories cause you distress or you believe they might be connected to your mental health struggles, speaking with a professional who specializes in childhood sexual development or trauma could be beneficial.

Considering your concerns about your mother's reaction, perhaps reaching out to a trusted school counselor or another adult you feel comfortable with could be a good first step. They can provide support and help you navigate these feelings without placing additional burdens on your loved ones.

Remember, you're not alone in processing complex childhood experiences. Your feelings of regret are natural, but please try to be compassionate with yourself. Children learn about boundaries through their experiences, and you were navigating complex situations without proper guidance or protection. Your reflections now show maturity and understanding that wasn't possible when you were younger. Taking care of your well-being is important, and there are people who can offer guidance and support as you continue to make sense of these experiences. Thank you for trusting us with this. We appreciate you reaching out.

Question 13

I experienced inappropriate touching from a same-sex friend when we were both around 11-13 years old. It started innocently but progressed to her touching my breasts and more. I tried to stop it by sleeping with a bra on or pretending to be asleep, but this never deterred her. I later learned she pulled down my pants while I was sleeping, making me wonder what else might have happened.

After we stopped being friends, memories began resurfacing. I now understand I engaged in inappropriate behavior with my younger sister on a few occasions when I was around 12-13. I let her touch my breasts and engaged in other inappropriate physical contact. I feel tremendous shame and guilt. Although my sister now has her own family, I worry I've caused lasting harm. Is what I experienced with my friend connected to my behavior? Should I seek therapy? I don't feel deserving of a good life after what I did.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes tremendous courage to reflect on and talk about experiences from childhood, especially when they've been weighing on you for some time.

What you experienced with your friend involved several concerning aspects that were problematic. The interaction that began innocently progressed to unwanted touching of intimate parts of your body without your consent. Despite your attempts to establish boundaries by sleeping with a bra on or pretending to be asleep, she continued and even escalated the behavior when you were most vulnerable. Only you can determine how to label these experiences in a way that feels right for you. Many children experience confusing situations with peers during development, and these experiences exist on a spectrum. What's most important is how these events affected you and how you make sense of them now.

Regarding your question about connection - yes, there is often a relationship between experiencing boundary violations and later boundary-crossing behaviors, especially in children. This pattern is sometimes called "traumatic reenactment" in developmental psychology. Children who experience confusing or inappropriate touch may sometimes repeat similar behaviors as they process what happened to them. This context doesn't minimize what happened, but it helps explain that children often don't fully understand the implications of their actions.

The shame and guilt you're experiencing are natural responses, but they can become obstacles to healing if left unaddressed. Your concern about how your actions may have affected your sister shows empathy and moral awareness that wasn't fully formed when you were younger. It's important to remember that people are resilient, and your sister has built her own life with her children.

Therapy would be tremendously beneficial for processing these experiences. A trauma-informed therapist or other mental health professional can help you understand what happened within a developmental context, work through feelings of shame, and develop self-compassion. Everyone deserves support in healing from difficult experiences, including you. Your past behaviors as a child who was also experiencing boundary violations do not define your worth or your right to healing.

Feeling undeserving of a good life is a heavy burden to carry. Holding onto guilt and shame prevents healing and growth. If you're concerned about your sister, a mental health professional can also help you think through whether and how to address this with her, should you choose to do so. The fact that you're reflecting on these experiences with such concern and awareness is already an important step toward healing.

Remember, acknowledging past mistakes and taking steps to address them is a sign of strength and maturity. You are not defined by these moments from your past. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey.

Question 14

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you experienced was not okay, and I want you to know that none of it was your fault. The fact that you said no and were overridden shows that your boundaries were violated, and your feelings about this experience are completely valid.

It's understandable to feel uncertain about how to share such personal, painful memories with your sister, especially when it involves family dynamics that can be complicated. Revisiting these difficult experiences can stir up many emotions, and the thought of discussing them with someone close can feel frightening, even if you feel it's the right step. It might help to think about what you want from this conversation. Perhaps you want her understanding and support, or maybe you simply need someone in the family to know what happened. There is no wrong reason to speak up, and you're allowed to reveal as much or as little of your story as feels safe to you.

Some people choose a private, calm setting to allow each person the space to react without interruption. You might begin by letting your sister know you have something significant to share, that it might be hard to hear, and that you value her care and understanding. You could start by saying something like "I need to share something difficult with you about our childhood" or "There's something that happened between me and [sister's name] that I need you to know about." Speaking from your own perspective (e.g. "I experienced this," "I felt scared," or "I need you to understand what I went through") helps keep the focus on your feelings and experiences. You don't have to share every detail if it feels overwhelming. It's okay to set a pace that respects your comfort. If you find spoken words too difficult, writing a letter can be another way to express yourself and allow her to absorb what you're saying in her own time.

It's also normal to worry about how she might respond. She may be initially shocked, supportive, confused, sad, or perhaps not know the right words. She might even struggle to believe what you're telling her initially, and people often need time to process difficult information. This doesn't reflect on the validity of your experience or your decision to share it, and it doesn't lessen what happened or how important it is that you're sharing this. Family dynamics around these situations can be complicated, and you have every right to set boundaries about this conversation, including asking your sister not to confront the person who hurt you if you're not ready for that, or requesting that she keep this information private while you decide how you want to handle it.

If at any point speaking directly to her feels too overwhelming, it could be helpful to reach out first to someone more removed from the situation, maybe a trusted friend, counselor, or support line, who can provide reassurance and help you plan the conversation. Consider what kind of support you might need both during and after this conversation, whether that's having someone on standby or planning some self-care activities. Remember that disclosure is a process, not a single event, and you can share more information over time as you feel ready.

Telling someone about past harm can be an act of self-care and healing, even if it feels painful at first, and you deserve to have your truth heard with kindness and respect. Remember that this is your story, and you have a right to reveal it in the way that feels safest for you. Your courage in considering this conversation shows incredible strength, and you are not alone. There is support out there for situations just like this. Thank you for your trust.

Question 15

My friend's mom found a group chat on her phone with inappropriate sexual conversations (my friend wasn't participating, just in the chat because of other friends). Her mom got angry and reached toward my friend's private areas while yelling "do you want boys to touch there?!" My friend backed away, scared. She told me she's sure her mom would have touched her if she hadn't moved away. Is this sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

I'm really sorry to hear about what your friend went through. It can be incredibly upsetting and confusing when a parent crosses a boundary like that, and what happened to your friend was absolutely inappropriate and concerning behavior. Many parents do have intense reactions when they discover their children have been exposed to sexual content or conversations, often stemming from fear, protective instincts, or their own discomfort with sexuality topics. Parents may panic and react poorly when they feel their child's safety or innocence is at risk, sometimes leading to responses that are misguided or harmful even when their intentions come from a place of concern.

However, even understanding that parents can struggle with these situations, reaching out toward a child's private areas and threatening such an act goes beyond normal discipline and veers into sexual violation. A parent should never impose contact with a child's private areas for the purpose of intimidation, punishment, or control, regardless of how distressed or protective they feel. No one, including a parent, should touch a child's genital area without clear, appropriate reason (for instance, in a young child's basic care or a necessary medical context) and certainly not to scare or shame them. When a parent threatens to touch or attempts to touch a child's private areas in a sexual or punitive way, this crosses important boundaries and can be considered sexual abuse, regardless of the parent's stated intention or reasoning.

The fact that your friend felt scared and believed her mother would have followed through if she hadn't moved away speaks to how threatening and inappropriate this situation was. Sexual abuse doesn't require actual contact to be harmful. The threat, attempt, or intimidation can be traumatizing on its own. The power dynamic between a parent and child makes this behavior particularly problematic, as children depend on their parents for safety and care.

Your friend's fear and distress are completely valid responses to what happened. This wasn't her fault in any way. Parents have many appropriate ways to discuss online safety and appropriate behavior without threatening or attempting to violate their child's bodily autonomy. What her mother did reflects the mother's inappropriate response, not anything your friend did wrong.

If your friend is feeling unsafe, confused, or wants support, it might help to encourage her to talk to another trusted adult, like a school counselor, teacher, relative, or other family member about what happened. Many schools and communities have resources specifically designed to help young people navigate these difficult situations. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) also provides confidential support and can help connect her with local resources. She deserves to feel protected and respected in her own home, and there are people out there who understand these situations and can help guide her to the support she needs.

You're being a caring friend by taking this seriously and believing her. Your support as a friend matters tremendously. Continue validating her feelings and helping her understand that what happened wasn't normal or acceptable parental behavior. I hope your friend can find a trustworthy person to confide in so she doesn't have to handle this alone. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 16

When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about "testing me." This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced was inappropriate and concerning behavior from an adult. When you were curious about kissing as a young child, your aunt responded in a way that crossed boundaries and made you uncomfortable. Your discomfort was your natural instinct recognizing that something wasn't right, and you trusted that feeling by not complying with her pressure.

The fact that she waited until no one was watching and wouldn't have behaved this way in front of your parents shows she knew her behavior was inappropriate. Adults who have good intentions don't hide their interactions with children or pressure them into physical contact that makes them uncomfortable. Her comment about "testing you" is particularly troubling, as it suggests she was gauging your willingness to comply with inappropriate requests or assessing your vulnerability.

Your body's response, feeling uncomfortable and resistant, was exactly right. Children have an innate sense of what feels safe and what doesn't, and your instincts protected you in that moment. It's important to recognize that this experience may have affected you, even if you didn't fully understand what was happening at the time. Many survivors describe similar moments where an adult's behavior felt wrong, even when they couldn't articulate why.

This kind of boundary violation can impact how you feel about trust, physical affection, and your own instincts. If you're noticing effects in your life now, whether that's difficulty with intimacy, hypervigilance around certain people, or questioning your own perceptions, these are normal responses to an abnormal situation. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they are, are valid. Some people feel angry, others feel confused, and some feel a mix of emotions that can be hard to sort through.

You deserved to have your curiosity about normal developmental topics answered in age-appropriate, respectful ways that didn't involve pressure or hidden behavior. What happened wasn't your fault, and your decision to trust your discomfort and resist her pressure shows your strength, even as a young child. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 17

I've been hypersexual since I was very young, around 4 years old. When I was 5 or 6, I began engaging in certain behaviors while thinking about things that scared me, and I would often dissociate. I also had recurring nightmares about a shadowy figure trying to harm me. I've always struggled with attachment, becoming very clingy with people and having intense reactions when separated from them. I still experience hypersexuality and sometimes have confusing physical responses to traumatic situations. Recently, I had another disturbing dream similar to my childhood nightmares. I was sometimes left unsupervised with babysitters when I was very young. Could something have happened to me that I don't remember, and could this explain these experiences that started when I was so young?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like you have been carrying these worries for a long time, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. What you describe is actually more common than people realize. The patterns you've noticed, including the early onset of hypersexual behaviors, recurring nightmares about threatening figures, attachment difficulties, and physical symptoms like losing your grip, can indeed be indicators of early trauma, though they can also result from other factors like exposure to inappropriate content, family dynamics, or individual neurological differences.

Sometimes, a child's body can latch onto soothing or distracting behaviors in confusing ways, especially if they feel scared or anxious and don't have the words to express it. These behaviors don't mean you were "disgusting" or doing something wrong-- they may have been your body's way of coping with intense, frightening feelings or events. The dissociation you described (zoning out during these moments) is a common protective mechanism that children's minds use when they feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

It's natural to wonder if some form of sexual abuse or trauma is behind such early and intense sexual behaviors, particularly when they come with nightmares or strange memories that are hard to piece together. Your fear that you might have been harmed and don't fully remember is understandable. Many people worry about missing fragments of their past, especially if they recall circumstances that made them feel unsafe or unsupervised. The behaviors you described starting around age 4-6, combined with the dissociation and physical symptoms, are sometimes seen in children who have experienced sexual trauma. However, it's important to understand that these signs don't definitively prove that abuse occurred, and while I can't tell you for certain what might have happened, your concerns are valid and worth exploring.

Your body's responses, including the arousal you mentioned during traumatic situations, are actually common trauma responses that many survivors experience. This happens because our nervous systems can become confused during trauma. The same neurological pathways involved in pleasure can be activated during violence or fear. This response is involuntary and doesn't mean you wanted or enjoyed what happened. It's a biological reaction that many trauma survivors struggle with, and feeling shame about it is unfortunately common but undeserved. The attachment patterns you described (becoming intensely attached to people and having difficulty with separation) often develop as coping mechanisms when our early sense of safety has been disrupted.

Regarding your question about recovered memories, trauma memories from very early childhood can indeed be stored differently than regular memories, sometimes emerging as body sensations, nightmares, or behavioral patterns rather than clear recollections. While some people do recover memories of early trauma later in life, memory is complex, and it's also possible to have trauma responses without specific memories of events. Whether or not you ever recover specific memories, what matters most is addressing how these experiences are affecting you now.

The fact that these experiences still trouble you today, and that your thoughts or dreams bring you fear and discomfort, suggests you may benefit from talking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and attachment. That professional can help you sort out what feels confusing or overwhelming, understand these patterns, develop healthy coping strategies, and guide you at your own pace through working with the impact these experiences have had on your life. It may feel less frightening when you know there's someone there who won't judge you or rush you into talking about anything you're not ready to discuss yet.

You're not alone in having nightmares, worrying about missing pieces of your childhood, or experiencing body responses that feel out of sync with how you actually want to feel. These are not signs of being "bad" or beyond help. They're signs that your mind and body might still be asking for healing, reassurance, and a safe path forward. Your hypersexuality and other responses don't define you, and healing is possible regardless of what specifically happened in your early years. It takes courage to speak openly about these experiences, and reaching out for support, either with a counselor, an advocate at a local resource center, or someone else you trust, can bring you closer to feeling calmer about your past and better equipped to handle your present. You deserve understanding, compassion, care, and the opportunity to develop a healthier relationship with your body and sexuality as you figure this out.

Question 18

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us! It is completely understandable that you still feel affected by what happened, even after twelve years. Moments like the ones you describe, when someone touches you without asking and goes against your boundaries, can stay with you for a long time, no matter how young you were or how much time has passed. What you experienced was a violation of your boundaries and your bodily autonomy, and it's completely normal to question the nature of those experiences, especially when you cared about the person at the time.

Having a boyfriend does not make any unwanted sexual contact okay, and the fact that you were in high school does not lessen the seriousness of the situation. The key point is that he didn't ask for your consent or respect your comfort level, and that's the part that can linger in your mind and body years later. Many survivors wonder why they still think about past boundary violations, even much later in life. It can feel confusing to revisit the memories and wonder if you should have "gotten over it" by now.

Trauma doesn't follow a timeline, and there's no expiration date on how long something can impact you. Our bodies and minds often store memories of non-consensual contact, and they can resurface when something reminds us of them or when we grow older and gain perspective. The public nature of these incidents may have added additional layers of complexity. Like perhaps feelings of helplessness, embarrassment, or confusion about why someone who was supposed to care about you would disregard your comfort and safety.

Only you can decide how to name and understand your experiences. Whether you choose to call what happened assault or use different words entirely, your feelings and reactions are valid. The person you were back then may not have known exactly how to define what was going on, and that is common. Even if you weren't physically harmed, you were still subjected to non-consensual touching, and the emotional weight of that can be just as significant.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the impact these experiences have had, even if they feel like they happened ages ago. Your healing process belongs to you, and there's no right or wrong way to process what you went through. The worry, confusion, or sense of violation you're feeling now is valid and doesn't diminish with time for everyone. What matters is that you were uncomfortable and did not consent to that kind of touching. No amount of time passing changes the fact that he crossed your boundaries, and you have every right to continue healing and finding peace on your own timeline. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 19

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 20

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

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I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.

What should you do if you experienced repeated victimization at a young age and were unaware that you were coerced by an adult to inflict child-on-child sexual abuse onto other children? How can you make amends with the people you harmed?

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate.

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

What should you do if you experienced repeated victimization at a young age and were unaware that you were coerced by an adult to inflict child-on-child sexual abuse onto other children? How can you make amends with the people you harmed?

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

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