Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

As a child from ages 5-10, I was regularly sexually assaulted by my older cousin who was about 7+ years older. I never told anyone. Years later, I remembered instances where I showed my private parts to my younger siblings. They expressed discomfort and I respected their boundaries, though my cousin never respected mine. Nothing physical happened with my siblings, but I feel immense guilt. I worry what I did was sexual assault, though I hope I'm wrong. I don't want to be a bad person. I love my siblings deeply and never wanted an inappropriate relationship with them. We've never discussed this, and I've told no one. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. First and foremost, please know that you are not a bad person. You were a child who experienced something that no child should ever have to endure, and the feelings of guilt you're carrying are understandable but misplaced.

What you've described is a common pattern seen in children who have experienced sexual abuse. When children are sexually abused, they sometimes repeat behaviors they've been exposed to without fully understanding their meaning or inappropriateness. This is called "sexually reactive behavior" and differs significantly from the deliberate sexual assault that was perpetrated against you. It's not uncommon for children in such situations to mimic or reenact what has happened to them, often without fully understanding what they are doing.

Your experience shows several important signs that distinguish your childhood behavior from abuse. You responded to your siblings' boundaries immediately. You also felt discomfort about the behavior even as a child, and you had no intention to harm. These reactions demonstrate that even as a young person who had been victimized, you maintained empathy and respect for others. The fact that you respected your siblings when they expressed discomfort shows that you cared about their feelings, even then. Your love for them is evident, and the guilt you're feeling now is actually a sign of your moral compass and care for your siblings.

It's important to recognize that you were navigating a difficult and confusing time without the tools or support that you needed. Your cousin's abuse taught you harmful patterns that you were too young to fully process or understand. The guilt you're experiencing reflects your empathy and concern, but it's crucial to remember that you were not at fault for the abuse you suffered or the confusion it caused.

Healing from this complex situation typically involves working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. They can help you process both the original trauma you experienced and the guilt you feel about your reactive behaviors. Many survivors find that understanding the context of their childhood behaviors helps reduce shame and allows them to move forward.

Forgiving yourself can be a challenging process, but taking steps toward healing is a positive and courageous move. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. Remember that seeking help is an act of courage and commitment to your own healing, not a confirmation that you're a "bad person." Your awareness and concern demonstrate your capacity for growth and healing.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. You're not alone in this, and help is available.

Question 2

Is this assault or am I being dramatic? I went to see a therapist for an eating disorder, but most sessions he would ask me questions about my sex life and advised me to practice with toys so I'd be ready when I met someone. He also used to touch my thighs. It happened several years ago, but I forgot he touched me until recently. I do fear I'm being over dramatic about it though and it wasn't that bad, and maybe I'm just being too sensitive about it. My eating disorder did get way worse though, because I wanted to talk about that and not about sex. I've been told that since I'm an adult, the talking doesn't count as assault although inappropriate, but now I remembered the touching, and I don't know if that does. It feels so confusing, and I don't know why it's bothering me so much now, when I was fine before.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. I am so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Your feelings are completely valid, and you are absolutely not being overly dramatic or too sensitive. What you experienced matters.

What you've described sounds like a profound violation of professional boundaries and therapeutic ethics that caused you real, lasting harm. A therapist's sacred role is to provide a safe, professional space focused entirely on your healing, not to sexualize the therapeutic relationship or touch you inappropriately. From what you've shared, your therapist crossed professional boundaries that should never, ever be crossed. Asking intrusive questions about your sex life, suggesting you use toys to prepare for future relationships, and touching your thighs are all deeply inappropriate behaviors in any therapeutic setting. These actions represent serious professional misconduct and constitute both sexual harassment and, in the case of the unwanted touching, sexual assault.

When someone in a position of power and trust touches you in a sexual manner without your consent, that is assault regardless of the context, your age, or how much time has passed. Being over 18 doesn't make his actions acceptable or less harmful. Everyone has the fundamental right to feel safe and respected, especially when seeking help from a professional. The inappropriate sexual conversations, while perhaps not legally defined as assault, represent serious violations that created a harmful, exploitative environment when you were at your most vulnerable.

It's completely understandable that your eating disorder worsened during this time. You came seeking help for something specific and deeply personal, only to have your sessions hijacked by inappropriate sexual focus. The fact that your symptoms got worse because sessions became about sexual topics rather than your actual needs shows the direct, measurable impact of this misconduct on your wellbeing. This therapist failed you profoundly when you needed proper care most.

It's also completely normal and understandable that you're remembering and processing this now, even years later. Sometimes, our minds protect us by suppressing or minimizing traumatic memories until we're in a safer space emotionally to process them. The fact that you initially "forgot" the touching doesn't make it less real or serious. This is actually an incredibly common trauma response that many survivors experience. Our brains are remarkably protective, and sometimes our eating disorders or other coping mechanisms can mask or delay our processing of other traumas. This might explain why these feelings and memories are surfacing now as you work on your recovery journey.

Your nervous system and emotions are responding appropriately to a real violation that happened to you. You deserved proper, ethical treatment focused on your eating disorder, not sexual exploitation disguised as therapy. The confusion you're feeling makes complete sense. When someone who was supposed to help us causes harm instead, it can feel disorienting and make us question our own perceptions.

You're allowed to feel upset, angry, confused, or any other emotion about what happened, regardless of how much time has passed. Your feelings about this experience are not only valid but important signals that deserve to be honored and processed. I know that considering therapy again might feel terrifying after what you experienced. That's completely understandable and so many survivors feel this way. When someone who was supposed to be a safe person violated that trust so deeply, it makes sense that the thought of being vulnerable with another therapist would feel scary.

If and when you feel ready, seeking support from a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in both eating disorders and sexual trauma could be helpful, but there's absolutely no pressure or timeline for this decision. You get to move at your own pace and make choices that feel right and safe for you. In the meantime, you might consider reaching out to someone you trust to talk about this like a friend, family member, or calling a support hotline where you can process these difficult realizations without the commitment of ongoing therapy until you feel more ready. These conversations can be a gentle first step in your healing without the vulnerability that formal therapy requires right now.

You might also want to consider reporting this former therapist to their licensing board when and if you feel ready, as what they did was both illegal and unethical. However, this decision is completely yours to make on your own timeline. There's no pressure to take any particular action - your healing and wellbeing come first, and you deserve to focus on what feels manageable and supportive for you right now.

You deserve care, respect, and proper therapeutic support. Your healing matters deeply, and you have every right to seek the help you originally went looking for. Thank you for reaching out to us with this. You are not alone.

Question 3

Childhood memories have recently resurfaced following a difficult breakup that impacted my sexuality and sex drive. When I was around 7-8 years old, I initiated what I called a 'game' with my two younger sisters (aged 4-5 and 2-3) under blankets, occurring perhaps 1-3 times. This involved making out and having my middle sister apply pressure to my private area while our youngest sister was present but looking away. I'm deeply ashamed and concerned about potential trauma I may have caused. I haven't disclosed this to anyone, including my therapist, as I can't bring myself to say the words. I'm struggling with intense shame and intrusive thoughts about whether and how this might affect my sister's adult life. I pray she doesn't remember it. These thoughts surface especially when I'm not busy or thinking about sexual things. I want her to be okay and don't want to tell her or anyone else. I just want to know what to do.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. Childhood experiences can be confusing, and it's not uncommon for children to engage in exploratory behavior without fully understanding what they're doing. It's understandable that these memories are causing you significant distress, and your concern for your sister shows deep empathy and responsibility. Many people experience memories resurfacing during times of significant life changes or during periods when we're processing our relationships and sexuality differently.

Children naturally experience curiosity about their bodies and relationships as part of normal development. At young ages, children often engage in exploratory play as they try to make sense of the world around them, including relationships and physical sensations. This curiosity can take many forms and comes from many sources - things they've seen in movies or TV, overheard conversations, observed interactions between others, or simply trying to understand their own bodies and feelings. At the ages you mentioned, all of you were very young and still learning about boundaries and appropriate interactions. It's important to remember that you were a child yourself, navigating the world with limited knowledge and understanding.

The guilt and worry you're experiencing now show that you care deeply about your sister's well-being. It's natural to be concerned about how past events might have affected her. However, holding onto intense shame and self-blame may not be helpful for either of you.

Your recognition of the complexity of these experiences and your concern about their impact shows emotional maturity and growth. The fact that these memories intrude especially during quiet moments or when thinking about sexual matters suggests this is causing you significant emotional distress that deserves support. Working through these memories with a trauma-informed therapist could help you process these experiences and develop healthy coping strategies. While shame might make disclosure feel impossible right now, therapists are trained to handle these sensitive topics without judgment and can help you understand these childhood experiences within their developmental context.

Remember that punishing yourself for actions that took place when you were a young child isn't fair to the person you are today. If you're experiencing intrusive thoughts and difficulty when not keeping busy, these are natural responses to carrying heavy emotional weight that can be addressed through professional support. There are confidential resources available, including RAINN's hotline and online chat services, where trained advocates can help you explore next steps when you're ready. They can also help you think through any decisions about disclosure to family members, which is a personal choice that doesn't need to be made immediately.

Healing often involves understanding, forgiveness, and compassion—for both yourself and others. Your commitment to understanding the impact of these experiences and your deep concern for your sister's wellbeing shows you're already taking important steps toward healing. The fact that you're questioning these experiences now, as an adult, demonstrates growth in your understanding of boundaries and relationships. You're not alone in this journey, and support is available when you're ready to take that step.

You're not alone in this, and help is available when you're ready. Take care of yourself.

Question 4

I'm confused about some of my brother's behavior during childhood and adolescence and whether it could explain my current intimacy issues. I'm 30F and have struggled with intimacy throughout my life. While I enjoy kissing and cuddling, I completely freeze up as soon as it goes further and just want it to be over. When I was 7 and my brother was 10, he showed me how to pleasure himself and made me do it. A few years later when he was 14-15, he would occasionally come into my room at night after drinking and watch me while I pretended to sleep. Sometimes he touched me between my legs, and I would move as if I was rolling over in my sleep, causing him to leave. This continued for a few months until he stopped. We now have a close relationship. Could these experiences be causing my difficulty with intimacy? I can't find another explanation, and it's becoming a real hurdle for me.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with your feelings. The experiences you've described with your brother during childhood were inappropriate boundary crossings that could certainly influence how you experience intimacy today. Children deserve to have their bodies respected and to develop an understanding of physical boundaries in their own time and in age-appropriate ways.

Inappropriate childhood sexual experiences can certainly impact your relationship with intimacy, both physically and emotionally. The freezing response you mention during sexual encounters is a common reaction that many people experience after having their boundaries crossed in childhood. Your body is responding protectively to situations that feel similar to past experiences, even if your conscious mind hasn't fully processed the connection.

The fact that you have a close relationship with your brother now is something many people in similar situations experience. Family relationships are complex, and it's possible to care about someone while still acknowledging that certain past behaviors were harmful. This complexity can sometimes make it challenging to process your feelings about what happened.

Many people find that their bodies remember what their minds have tried to understand or compartmentalize. The confusion you feel is also common. Many people question whether their experiences are significant enough to cause their current difficulties, especially when the person involved is someone they care about.

It's important to know that none of this was your fault. You were a child navigating situations that you weren't equipped to handle or fully understand at the time. Your reactions now are valid, and it's okay to seek support to help make sense of them.

Working with a compassionate therapist who specializes in sexual trauma could be helpful in processing these memories and developing strategies to feel safer in intimate situations. Many people find that understanding their responses as normal reactions to confusing childhood experiences helps reduce shame and opens pathways to healing.

Remember that healing is possible, and reconnecting with your body and sexuality on your own terms is achievable. Your experiences and responses are valid, and you deserve support in addressing these challenges and creating fulfilling relationships where you feel safe and comfortable. Take care of yourself. Thank you for your trust

Question 5

I experienced abuse from ages 5-8 by a neighbor who was two years older. He had a 'secret game' in a hidden area of the park that involved inappropriate touching and harmful acts, sometimes with another child present. This occurred regularly over several years.

I've struggled with understanding if this qualifies as abuse given our ages and my lack of resistance. As a lonely child, I was drawn to the attention. The behavior stopped when we entered the same school, and he ceased contact. I kept this secret until age 19.

The experience has left me with deep shame and confusion about whether my feelings are warranted. While working with a therapist, I've found some relief in learning about childhood-on-childhood sexual abuse (COCSA). My therapist keeps warning me from speaking about my experiences, however, and I’m feeling very alone in this journey as I try to heal. I'm seeking guidance on processing these experiences and understanding their impact.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on such deeply personal experiences. First and foremost, please know that your feelings are valid, and you're not alone in feeling this way.

What you described from your childhood sounds confusing and distressing, and it's completely understandable that you're grappling with feelings of shame and uncertainty. Even though both you and your neighbor were children at the time, the activities you were involved in went beyond typical childhood exploration. The presence of secrecy, coercion, and a power imbalance—especially when he demonstrated control over you in front of others—are significant factors indicating that these experiences were not healthy or consensual.

It's common for survivors of childhood abuse to question whether what happened to them "counts" as abuse, particularly when there's a lack of physical force or if they felt complicit at the time. It's important to remember that as a child, you were not capable of giving informed consent to these activities. Your neighbor, being older and exerting control, was in a position of power, and it's not uncommon for children to comply with or even seek attention from others, especially when feeling lonely or isolated.
The responsibility lies with those who initiated and perpetuated the abuse. You were a child seeking connection and attempting to understand the world around you.

Regarding your therapist's warnings about speaking about your experiences, processing trauma often involves discussing and unpacking these memories in a safe and supportive environment. If you feel that your therapist isn't providing the support you need or is discouraging you from expressing yourself, it might be worth considering seeking a second opinion or finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and childhood abuse. A professional who understands the nuances of Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) can offer you the appropriate guidance and help you navigate your healing journey.

It's also helpful to connect with support groups or online communities where others have gone through similar experiences. Sharing with others who understand can alleviate feelings of isolation and provide additional perspectives on healing. Remember, healing is not linear, and it's okay to have mixed feelings about your past. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these emotions. You deserve understanding, support, and the freedom to express your truth without fear or shame.

You're not alone, and there are resources and people who can help you. Please continue to reach out and advocate for the support you need. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 6

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you experienced was not okay, and I want you to know that none of it was your fault. The fact that you said no and were overridden shows that your boundaries were violated, and your feelings about this experience are completely valid.

It's understandable to feel uncertain about how to share such personal, painful memories with your sister, especially when it involves family dynamics that can be complicated. Revisiting these difficult experiences can stir up many emotions, and the thought of discussing them with someone close can feel frightening, even if you feel it's the right step. It might help to think about what you want from this conversation. Perhaps you want her understanding and support, or maybe you simply need someone in the family to know what happened. There is no wrong reason to speak up, and you're allowed to reveal as much or as little of your story as feels safe to you.

Some people choose a private, calm setting to allow each person the space to react without interruption. You might begin by letting your sister know you have something significant to share, that it might be hard to hear, and that you value her care and understanding. You could start by saying something like "I need to share something difficult with you about our childhood" or "There's something that happened between me and [sister's name] that I need you to know about." Speaking from your own perspective (e.g. "I experienced this," "I felt scared," or "I need you to understand what I went through") helps keep the focus on your feelings and experiences. You don't have to share every detail if it feels overwhelming. It's okay to set a pace that respects your comfort. If you find spoken words too difficult, writing a letter can be another way to express yourself and allow her to absorb what you're saying in her own time.

It's also normal to worry about how she might respond. She may be initially shocked, supportive, confused, sad, or perhaps not know the right words. She might even struggle to believe what you're telling her initially, and people often need time to process difficult information. This doesn't reflect on the validity of your experience or your decision to share it, and it doesn't lessen what happened or how important it is that you're sharing this. Family dynamics around these situations can be complicated, and you have every right to set boundaries about this conversation, including asking your sister not to confront the person who hurt you if you're not ready for that, or requesting that she keep this information private while you decide how you want to handle it.

If at any point speaking directly to her feels too overwhelming, it could be helpful to reach out first to someone more removed from the situation, maybe a trusted friend, counselor, or support line, who can provide reassurance and help you plan the conversation. Consider what kind of support you might need both during and after this conversation, whether that's having someone on standby or planning some self-care activities. Remember that disclosure is a process, not a single event, and you can share more information over time as you feel ready.

Telling someone about past harm can be an act of self-care and healing, even if it feels painful at first, and you deserve to have your truth heard with kindness and respect. Remember that this is your story, and you have a right to reveal it in the way that feels safest for you. Your courage in considering this conversation shows incredible strength, and you are not alone. There is support out there for situations just like this. Thank you for your trust.

Question 7

My friend's mom found a group chat on her phone with inappropriate sexual conversations (my friend wasn't participating, just in the chat because of other friends). Her mom got angry and reached toward my friend's private areas while yelling "do you want boys to touch there?!" My friend backed away, scared. She told me she's sure her mom would have touched her if she hadn't moved away. Is this sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

I'm really sorry to hear about what your friend went through. It can be incredibly upsetting and confusing when a parent crosses a boundary like that, and what happened to your friend was absolutely inappropriate and concerning behavior. Many parents do have intense reactions when they discover their children have been exposed to sexual content or conversations, often stemming from fear, protective instincts, or their own discomfort with sexuality topics. Parents may panic and react poorly when they feel their child's safety or innocence is at risk, sometimes leading to responses that are misguided or harmful even when their intentions come from a place of concern.

However, even understanding that parents can struggle with these situations, reaching out toward a child's private areas and threatening such an act goes beyond normal discipline and veers into sexual violation. A parent should never impose contact with a child's private areas for the purpose of intimidation, punishment, or control, regardless of how distressed or protective they feel. No one, including a parent, should touch a child's genital area without clear, appropriate reason (for instance, in a young child's basic care or a necessary medical context) and certainly not to scare or shame them. When a parent threatens to touch or attempts to touch a child's private areas in a sexual or punitive way, this crosses important boundaries and can be considered sexual abuse, regardless of the parent's stated intention or reasoning.

The fact that your friend felt scared and believed her mother would have followed through if she hadn't moved away speaks to how threatening and inappropriate this situation was. Sexual abuse doesn't require actual contact to be harmful. The threat, attempt, or intimidation can be traumatizing on its own. The power dynamic between a parent and child makes this behavior particularly problematic, as children depend on their parents for safety and care.

Your friend's fear and distress are completely valid responses to what happened. This wasn't her fault in any way. Parents have many appropriate ways to discuss online safety and appropriate behavior without threatening or attempting to violate their child's bodily autonomy. What her mother did reflects the mother's inappropriate response, not anything your friend did wrong.

If your friend is feeling unsafe, confused, or wants support, it might help to encourage her to talk to another trusted adult, like a school counselor, teacher, relative, or other family member about what happened. Many schools and communities have resources specifically designed to help young people navigate these difficult situations. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) also provides confidential support and can help connect her with local resources. She deserves to feel protected and respected in her own home, and there are people out there who understand these situations and can help guide her to the support she needs.

You're being a caring friend by taking this seriously and believing her. Your support as a friend matters tremendously. Continue validating her feelings and helping her understand that what happened wasn't normal or acceptable parental behavior. I hope your friend can find a trustworthy person to confide in so she doesn't have to handle this alone. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 8

When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about "testing me." This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced was inappropriate and concerning behavior from an adult. When you were curious about kissing as a young child, your aunt responded in a way that crossed boundaries and made you uncomfortable. Your discomfort was your natural instinct recognizing that something wasn't right, and you trusted that feeling by not complying with her pressure.

The fact that she waited until no one was watching and wouldn't have behaved this way in front of your parents shows she knew her behavior was inappropriate. Adults who have good intentions don't hide their interactions with children or pressure them into physical contact that makes them uncomfortable. Her comment about "testing you" is particularly troubling, as it suggests she was gauging your willingness to comply with inappropriate requests or assessing your vulnerability.

Your body's response, feeling uncomfortable and resistant, was exactly right. Children have an innate sense of what feels safe and what doesn't, and your instincts protected you in that moment. It's important to recognize that this experience may have affected you, even if you didn't fully understand what was happening at the time. Many survivors describe similar moments where an adult's behavior felt wrong, even when they couldn't articulate why.

This kind of boundary violation can impact how you feel about trust, physical affection, and your own instincts. If you're noticing effects in your life now, whether that's difficulty with intimacy, hypervigilance around certain people, or questioning your own perceptions, these are normal responses to an abnormal situation. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they are, are valid. Some people feel angry, others feel confused, and some feel a mix of emotions that can be hard to sort through.

You deserved to have your curiosity about normal developmental topics answered in age-appropriate, respectful ways that didn't involve pressure or hidden behavior. What happened wasn't your fault, and your decision to trust your discomfort and resist her pressure shows your strength, even as a young child. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 9

I've been hypersexual since I was very young, around 4 years old. When I was 5 or 6, I began engaging in certain behaviors while thinking about things that scared me, and I would often dissociate. I also had recurring nightmares about a shadowy figure trying to harm me. I've always struggled with attachment, becoming very clingy with people and having intense reactions when separated from them. I still experience hypersexuality and sometimes have confusing physical responses to traumatic situations. Recently, I had another disturbing dream similar to my childhood nightmares. I was sometimes left unsupervised with babysitters when I was very young. Could something have happened to me that I don't remember, and could this explain these experiences that started when I was so young?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like you have been carrying these worries for a long time, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. What you describe is actually more common than people realize. The patterns you've noticed, including the early onset of hypersexual behaviors, recurring nightmares about threatening figures, attachment difficulties, and physical symptoms like losing your grip, can indeed be indicators of early trauma, though they can also result from other factors like exposure to inappropriate content, family dynamics, or individual neurological differences.

Sometimes, a child's body can latch onto soothing or distracting behaviors in confusing ways, especially if they feel scared or anxious and don't have the words to express it. These behaviors don't mean you were "disgusting" or doing something wrong-- they may have been your body's way of coping with intense, frightening feelings or events. The dissociation you described (zoning out during these moments) is a common protective mechanism that children's minds use when they feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

It's natural to wonder if some form of sexual abuse or trauma is behind such early and intense sexual behaviors, particularly when they come with nightmares or strange memories that are hard to piece together. Your fear that you might have been harmed and don't fully remember is understandable. Many people worry about missing fragments of their past, especially if they recall circumstances that made them feel unsafe or unsupervised. The behaviors you described starting around age 4-6, combined with the dissociation and physical symptoms, are sometimes seen in children who have experienced sexual trauma. However, it's important to understand that these signs don't definitively prove that abuse occurred, and while I can't tell you for certain what might have happened, your concerns are valid and worth exploring.

Your body's responses, including the arousal you mentioned during traumatic situations, are actually common trauma responses that many survivors experience. This happens because our nervous systems can become confused during trauma. The same neurological pathways involved in pleasure can be activated during violence or fear. This response is involuntary and doesn't mean you wanted or enjoyed what happened. It's a biological reaction that many trauma survivors struggle with, and feeling shame about it is unfortunately common but undeserved. The attachment patterns you described (becoming intensely attached to people and having difficulty with separation) often develop as coping mechanisms when our early sense of safety has been disrupted.

Regarding your question about recovered memories, trauma memories from very early childhood can indeed be stored differently than regular memories, sometimes emerging as body sensations, nightmares, or behavioral patterns rather than clear recollections. While some people do recover memories of early trauma later in life, memory is complex, and it's also possible to have trauma responses without specific memories of events. Whether or not you ever recover specific memories, what matters most is addressing how these experiences are affecting you now.

The fact that these experiences still trouble you today, and that your thoughts or dreams bring you fear and discomfort, suggests you may benefit from talking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and attachment. That professional can help you sort out what feels confusing or overwhelming, understand these patterns, develop healthy coping strategies, and guide you at your own pace through working with the impact these experiences have had on your life. It may feel less frightening when you know there's someone there who won't judge you or rush you into talking about anything you're not ready to discuss yet.

You're not alone in having nightmares, worrying about missing pieces of your childhood, or experiencing body responses that feel out of sync with how you actually want to feel. These are not signs of being "bad" or beyond help. They're signs that your mind and body might still be asking for healing, reassurance, and a safe path forward. Your hypersexuality and other responses don't define you, and healing is possible regardless of what specifically happened in your early years. It takes courage to speak openly about these experiences, and reaching out for support, either with a counselor, an advocate at a local resource center, or someone else you trust, can bring you closer to feeling calmer about your past and better equipped to handle your present. You deserve understanding, compassion, care, and the opportunity to develop a healthier relationship with your body and sexuality as you figure this out.

Question 10

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us! It is completely understandable that you still feel affected by what happened, even after twelve years. Moments like the ones you describe, when someone touches you without asking and goes against your boundaries, can stay with you for a long time, no matter how young you were or how much time has passed. What you experienced was a violation of your boundaries and your bodily autonomy, and it's completely normal to question the nature of those experiences, especially when you cared about the person at the time.

Having a boyfriend does not make any unwanted sexual contact okay, and the fact that you were in high school does not lessen the seriousness of the situation. The key point is that he didn't ask for your consent or respect your comfort level, and that's the part that can linger in your mind and body years later. Many survivors wonder why they still think about past boundary violations, even much later in life. It can feel confusing to revisit the memories and wonder if you should have "gotten over it" by now.

Trauma doesn't follow a timeline, and there's no expiration date on how long something can impact you. Our bodies and minds often store memories of non-consensual contact, and they can resurface when something reminds us of them or when we grow older and gain perspective. The public nature of these incidents may have added additional layers of complexity. Like perhaps feelings of helplessness, embarrassment, or confusion about why someone who was supposed to care about you would disregard your comfort and safety.

Only you can decide how to name and understand your experiences. Whether you choose to call what happened assault or use different words entirely, your feelings and reactions are valid. The person you were back then may not have known exactly how to define what was going on, and that is common. Even if you weren't physically harmed, you were still subjected to non-consensual touching, and the emotional weight of that can be just as significant.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the impact these experiences have had, even if they feel like they happened ages ago. Your healing process belongs to you, and there's no right or wrong way to process what you went through. The worry, confusion, or sense of violation you're feeling now is valid and doesn't diminish with time for everyone. What matters is that you were uncomfortable and did not consent to that kind of touching. No amount of time passing changes the fact that he crossed your boundaries, and you have every right to continue healing and finding peace on your own timeline. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 11

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 12

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 13

When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process.

What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

It's important to note that without knowing your full medical history, it's unclear whether the enemas were medically necessary. In some cases, invasive procedures may be warranted for a child's health and well-being. However, even if the enemas were medically justified, your feelings of fear, powerlessness, and violation are still valid. A procedure can be both necessary and traumatic, and your emotional response and the harm associated with these experiences deserves to be acknowledged and respected.

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to share your feelings with your parents and ask for more information about the circumstances surrounding these events. Understanding the context and medical reasoning behind the enemas might provide some clarity and help you process the experience. However, it's important to prioritize your own emotional safety and only have this conversation if you feel supported and ready.

The flashbacks and physical sickness you mention are common symptoms of unresolved trauma. When our bodies and minds are overwhelmed by a distressing experience, the memory can get "stuck" in our nervous system, causing intrusive thoughts, sensations, and emotional reactivity. This is especially true for traumas experienced in childhood, when we lack the resources and context to fully process what's happening to us.

Please know that your feelings and the long-term impact of these experiences are valid, regardless of the medical necessity of the enemas. You deserved to have your boundaries and bodily autonomy respected, and it's not your fault that they weren't. It sounds like harm occurred here and you deserve to seek help to heal from that harm.

Healing from childhood trauma is a highly personal journey that often benefits from professional support. I encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and medical trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your memories, validate your experiences, and work with you to develop coping strategies for managing symptoms. They may also be able to get into more specifics with you surrounding whether or not what you experienced was abuse.

Thank you so much for this question and I am sorry that I cannot provide more guidanc. However you define your experience, you are welcome here. You are not alone.

Question 14

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 15

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 16

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

Question 17

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Accepted Answer

Your feelings and concerns about this experience are completely valid and you're not overthinking anything. When we experience unwanted touch, even as children, our bodies and minds can hold onto those memories and the feelings they created. It's natural for you to wonder about what happened and to have questions about it now.

What you're describing falls into what experts call "problematic sexual behavior" between children. While some sexual curiosity and exploration is considered typical in childhood development, any touching that happened without your consent (regardless of the ages involved) was not okay. The fact that you remember feeling uncomfortable or that it was unwanted tells us something important about how it affected you.

Children who engage in problematic sexual behaviors are often acting out something they themselves have experienced or been exposed to. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps us understand that both children in these situations may need support and healing. Neither child is typically considered "at fault" in the way we might think about adult behavior.

What matters most now is how this experience has affected you. Some people carry very little impact from childhood experiences like this, while others may notice effects on their relationships, body image, or feelings of safety. Both responses are normal. If you find that memories of this experience are causing you distress, affecting your daily life, or impacting your relationships, talking with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful. They can help you process these memories and develop tools for healing.

Healing isn't about forgetting or minimizing what happened, it's about reclaiming your sense of safety and agency. You deserve support, understanding, and the space to work through whatever feelings arise about this experience. Your instincts about your own experiences are trustworthy, and seeking answers about something that doesn't feel right to you shows wisdom and self-care. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 18

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 19

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 20

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

Accepted Answer

Yes, forcing or pressuring someone into a romantic relationship or into dating is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Everyone has the right to make their own choices about relationships freely and without coercion. When someone tries to compel another person to be in a relationship against their will, it disregards their feelings and autonomy, which can lead to emotional distress and harm.

Forcing or pressuring someone into a relationship violates their fundamental right to make free choices about their romantic life. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and enthusiastic consent, where both people freely choose to be together. When someone uses pressure tactics like guilt, threats, manipulation, or persistent demands despite hearing "no," they're overriding the other person's autonomy and right to choose. Think about it this way: If someone has to be pressured or forced into dating you, they're not genuinely consenting to the relationship. They might agree to date you to stop the pressure, avoid conflict, or prevent negative consequences - but this isn't true consent.

This kind of pressure creates an unhealthy power dynamic from the very beginning, where one person's desires and boundaries are being disregarded. Common pressure tactics often include threatening self-harm if the person won't date you, repeatedly asking after being told no, using guilt trips or emotional manipulation, making someone feel obligated due to favors or gifts, isolating them from friends and family until they agree, using their insecurities against them, or making them feel like no one else will want them. These behaviors aim to wear down someone's resistance and ability to say no freely.

Healthy relationships develop naturally, with both people feeling safe to express their true feelings without fear of consequences. Both parties should feel free to say yes or no without pressure, and those choices should be respected. If you have to force or pressure someone to be with you, that's not a real relationship - it's a form of control that undermines the very foundations that make relationships meaningful and fulfilling.

It's important to recognize that your feelings and choices about relationships are valid. You have every right to say no if you're not interested in pursuing a relationship, and that decision deserves to be respected. If you're experiencing pressure to enter or stay in a relationship, please know that this behavior is not acceptable, and you deserve to make your own choices. Thank you for this question. We appreciate you asking it.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

Questions & Answers

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Topics

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

When I was in high school, my boyfriend would touch me inappropriately in public without my consent. This happened 12 years ago, but it still affects me today. Is it normal that I'm still impacted by this experience, and is it okay that I sometimes wonder if what happened was assault?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

When I was young, another child touched me without my consent. Is this normal childhood behavior or am I overthinking my reaction to it?

Is it abuse to force or pressure someone into a romantic relationship or into dating you?

How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

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