Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Unapologetically Surviving Community

Question 1

When I was young, around 6-7 years old, I had sexual experiences with my cousin who was a year older. I also remember situations where my parents had sexual relations while I was in bed with them, thinking I was asleep. I'm seeking guidance about whether these experiences constitute sexual abuse.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing these memories and concerns with us. When looking back at childhood experiences, especially those involving boundaries and intimacy, it can be confusing to interpret them with our adult understanding. At the ages of six or seven, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the world around them. It's common for children to explore and mimic behaviors they observe, even without fully grasping their meaning.

However, the experiences you describe have characteristics of childhood sexual abuse. When young children engage in sexual activities, even when they appear "mutually consensual," it's important to understand that children of that age don't have the capacity to give true consent to sexual activities. At 6-7 years old, brain and emotional development doesn't allow for full understanding of the implications of these acts. The fact that you remember feeling it "wasn't right" suggests that your childhood intuition recognized something was out of place and that a boundary was being crossed. Such feelings are important and valid, and engaging in activities that make a child feel uncomfortable can impact how they perceive themselves and their relationships later on.

Regarding the situation with your parents, being exposed to their intimate moments while you were present in the bed is concerning. This also constitutes a form of childhood sexual abuse known as inappropriate sexual exposure. Children depend on adults to establish appropriate boundaries and protect them from experiences they're not ready to understand. Witnessing or sensing sexual activity at a young age can be confusing and may lead to feelings of discomfort or anxiety. The fact that you mentioned it innocently and were scolded could have added to your confusion or feelings of shame, even though you didn't do anything wrong.

Both experiences involve exposure to sexual situations that you weren't developmentally prepared to process. This early exposure can sometimes blur boundaries and affect a child's understanding of appropriate behavior. These situations have elements of inappropriate boundaries or inadvertent exposure that can be considered forms of sexual abuse or neglect, especially considering their impact on you now.

It's crucial that you understand that none of this was your fault. Your cousin, being only a year older, was also a child, but this doesn't minimize the impact these experiences may have had on you. Children naturally explore, but adults and caregivers have the responsibility to create appropriate boundaries and protect minors from premature sexual experiences.

It's important to acknowledge your feelings about these experiences. They are valid, and it's okay to seek support to understand them better. These experiences can have lasting effects on your emotional wellbeing, relationships, and sexuality. It's common for survivors to experience confusion, guilt, shame, or difficulties in intimate relationships. It's also normal to have fragmented or confusing memories about traumatic childhood events.

I strongly recommend seeking support from a mental health professional who specializes in childhood experiences or childhood sexual trauma. A trained therapist can provide you with a safe space to explore these memories and their effects, help you process these experiences safely, and develop healing strategies. There are also support groups and specialized organizations that can offer you resources and connection with other survivors.

Remember, you were a child navigating situations that you couldn't fully understand, and none of this was your fault. You deserve compassion and support as you work through these feelings. Taking this step to seek guidance shows strength and a commitment to your well-being. Your healing matters, and you deserve support in this process of understanding and recovery.

Question 2

Is it normal to have confusion about intimate childhood experiences with a cousin who was two years older?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. It's completely understandable to have questions about childhood experiences, especially as you reflect on them later in life. Exploring curiosity about bodies and sexuality is a natural part of growing up, and it's not uncommon for children close in age to engage in some form of exploration with peers or relatives.

When children engage in activities like touching each other, several factors are important to consider, such as age, understanding, consent, and whether any coercion was involved. In situations where children are close in age, like you and your cousin who was two years older, and if the interactions were consensual and without pressure or manipulation, it is often viewed as a part of normal childhood development.

However, it's also important to recognize that family dynamics and cultural or familial beliefs can add layers of complexity to these experiences. Feelings about such events can vary greatly from person to person. Some may look back without significant concern, while others might feel confusion or discomfort when reflecting on the past.

If thinking about this experience brings up any troubling feelings or if you're unsure about how it has affected you, it might be helpful to talk to someone you trust or a mental health professional who can provide support. They can offer a safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings more deeply.

Remember, you're not alone in wondering about past experiences, and reaching out shows a willingness to understand yourself better. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these reflections.

Question 3

Can it count as abuse even if this other person is also a woman and was around 10 years old? I feel like everyone is going to say that it doesn't count as abuse just for this reason.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. First and foremost, it’s important to remember that only you can define what happened to you. Sexual violence is deeply personal, and how you understand and process your experiences is entirely up to you. While we aim to provide support and information, please know that we are not here to label or define your experience. Your experience is yours and yours alone.

Sexual abuse can occur in various forms and can involve individuals of any gender and age. The gender and age of the person who harmed you does not diminish the severity or impact of the abuse you experienced. Abuse is defined by actions that violate consent and boundaries, causing harm and distress to the survivor. Regardless of the identities of those involved, if you have experienced unwanted sexual behaviors that have caused you pain and suffering, it is valid to recognize it as abuse.

It's understandable to fear that others may dismiss or invalidate your experiences based on misconceptions about gender and age dynamics. However, it's essential to prioritize your own understanding of your experiences and seek support from individuals and resources that will validate your feelings. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard and supported as you navigate your healing journey.

You might consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma to further process what you went through and help you determine next steps. They can offer a safe space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies to help you heal. You are not alone, and there are communities and resources available to provide you with the support and validation you deserve. This is your journey, and you have the right to navigate it in the way that feels right for you. Thank you again for trusting us with this question.

Question 4

When I was about 4 years old my 9 year old sister started forcing me to kiss her on the mouth, I never wanted to do it but she forced me to, does it count as abuse? Or am I just being dramatic?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. You are not being dramatic. First and foremost, it’s important to remember that only you can define what happened to you. Sexual violence is deeply personal, and how you understand and process your experiences is entirely up to you. While we aim to provide support and information, please know that we are not here to label or define your experience. Your experience is yours and yours alone.

If you are asking this question in the legal sense, definitions of childhood sexual abuse vary by state and country. Childhood sexual abuse is generally defined as any sexual activity with a child where consent is not or cannot be given. Some legal definitions of sexual abuse specify that the perpetrator must be an adult, but instances of sexual behavior between children can still be harmful, particularly when a child uses force, coercion, or manipulation against another child.

We recognize that the laws in your jurisdiction may or may not reflect your personal experience. Legal definitions can be narrow and sometimes fail to encompass the full range of emotions, reactions, and realities of those who have experienced sexual violence. While understanding the legal framework can be an important part of the healing process for some, it’s okay if your experience doesn’t fit neatly into these legal boxes.This discrepancy doesn’t invalidate what you’ve been through. Your emotions and reactions are valid, regardless of whether they align with the legal definitions of sexual violence.

Our website aims to provide a space where you can learn more about the experiences of others who have faced similar situations. By sharing stories and information, we hope to create a community that supports and uplifts its members. However, it’s crucial to understand that while these stories can provide comfort and solidarity, they cannot confirm or decide if you are a survivor, or what specific kind of abuse you have experienced. Every individual’s story is unique, and while there may be similarities, your journey is your own. Take from these shared experiences what helps you, and feel free to leave what does not.

The path to healing is different for everyone. If you are experiencing distress reflecting on events that happened to you as a child, you deserve validation and support. Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Finding a counselor, therapist, or psychologist with expertise in childhood sexual abuse can help you with your processsing as you plan next steps to support your healing moving forward.

This is your journey, and you have the right to navigate it in the way that feels right for you. We’re here to provide information, support, and a platform for your voice. But the path you take, the decisions you make, and the definitions you choose are yours alone. You are not alone. Thank you again for trusting us with this question.

Question 5

Why did my cousin and I touch each other's private parts when we were little? Is this normal or does it mean something concerning?

Accepted Answer

It's completely understandable to wonder about childhood memories like these. When we look back on our early years, it's natural to have questions about behaviors that seem confusing or surprising in hindsight, and it's brave of you to seek information to better understand what happened.

Sexual curiosity in childhood is a normal part of human development. During childhood, especially in the early years, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the world around them. Young children naturally explore their own bodies and sometimes show curiosity about other children's bodies of similar age, including cousins or siblings. Exploring private parts is often a part of normal development as children try to make sense of physical differences and similarities. At a young age, they may not fully grasp the concept of privacy or understand the social and personal boundaries that adults recognize. Touching each other's private parts can be a way for children to satisfy their curiosity, learn about themselves, and engage in exploratory play.

This type of mutual exploration between children of similar ages is generally considered part of normal development when it occurs without coercion, when both children participate voluntarily, and when there isn't a significant age or power difference between them. It's important to remember that children operate with a limited understanding of sexuality and boundaries. Young children don't have the same understanding of sexuality that adults do, and this exploration usually comes from natural curiosity rather than adult sexual motivations. They often learn through play and mimicry, imitating behaviors they see or hear about without fully comprehending their implications. What might seem inappropriate or alarming to us as adults is often, in the mind of a child, an innocent exploration without harmful intent.

As we grow older and gain a better understanding of personal boundaries and societal norms, looking back on these experiences can sometimes evoke feelings of confusion, embarrassment, or concern. It's completely normal to re-examine past behaviors with the knowledge and perspective we have now. These feelings may also arise because discussions about sexuality and body boundaries are often sensitive topics, and they can bring up complex emotions. However, we recognize that some childhood experiences can cause confusion or complicated feelings later in life, especially if there were elements of pressure, secrecy, or if one child was significantly older or had more power. Your feelings about these experiences are completely valid, whatever they may be. Some people may feel perfectly fine about these memories, while others may experience confusion, guilt, or distress.

If you're feeling unsettled or if these memories are causing you distress, it might be helpful to talk to someone you trust, such as a close friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support. They can help you better understand your experiences within the broader context of your life and development, and support you in processing any feelings you have about it. Sharing your thoughts can provide clarity and relief, and it might help you process these feelings in a safe and understanding environment.

Please know that childhood curiosity is a common part of development, and questioning these experiences is a natural part of growing and reflecting. You're not alone in feeling this way, and reaching out shows a great deal of courage and self-awareness. If you ever feel the need to talk more about this or explore these feelings further, support is available to help you navigate your thoughts and emotions. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 6

Mi hija fue violada por su terapista, quedo embarazada. Soy su Madre como puedo sanar su dolor. El agresor sigue amenazandola. Comparten custodia de mi nieto.

My daughter was raped by her therapist and became pregnant. I am her Mother, how can I heal her pain? The aggressor continues to threaten her and they share custody of my grandson.

Accepted Answer

Muchas gracias por esta pregunta. Lamento profundamente el dolor que está atravesando su familia. La situación que ha soportado su hija es verdaderamente horrible e inimaginable. Como su madre, su función principal es brindarle amor incondicional, creerle y apoyarla. Valídela haciéndole saber que lo que le sucedió no fue en absoluto su culpa. La total responsabilidad recae en el terapeuta que explotó su posición de poder y abusó de la confianza depositada en él de la manera más imperdonable. Hágale saber que usted estará ahí para ella, pase lo que pase.

Buscar servicios de asesoramiento tanto para usted como para su hija puede ayudar a procesar el trauma que ella experimentó de una manera saludable. Tener un espacio seguro y libre de juicios para procesar las emociones en torno a la violación, las amenazas de su agresor y el posterior embarazo puede comenzar a sanar el daño que sufrió su familia y ayudarla a tomar mejores decisiones en el futuro. También podría sugerirle a su hija la terapia grupal. Conocer a otras personas en situaciones similares puede ayudarla a sentirse menos sola y a tener una comunidad más amplia de apoyo. Si bien los servicios profesionales pueden ser útiles, es posible que ella aún no esté preparada para eso. Respete sus decisiones y hágale saber que está dispuesta a ayudarla a conectarse con esos servicios si cambia de opinión.

En cuanto a la custodia y la protección de su hija y su nieto de más abusos y amenazas, es sensato explorar todas las opciones legales y los recursos de apoyo a víctimas. Una orden de restricción puede ser viable para evitar que el agresor la contacte. También puede consultar con organizaciones especializadas en casos de custodia que involucran abuso para comprender los derechos de los padres y cómo garantizar mejor la seguridad de su nieto. Es importante tener en cuenta que navegar por estos servicios puede resultar retraumatizante para su hija. Anticípese a esto y continúe rodeando a su hija con la seguridad de que esto no fue culpa suya y que apoya cualquier decisión que ella tome y crea que es la mejor. Su amor, paciencia y defensa de su hija serán cruciales mientras intenta reconstruir su vida dispues de esta experiencia devastadora. Nuevamente, gracias por contactarnos.

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Thank you so much for this question. I am so sorry for the pain your family is experiencing. The situation your daughter has endured is unimaginably horrific. As her mother, your primary role is to provide her with unconditional love, belief, and support. Validate that what happened to her was in no way her fault. The full responsibility lies with the therapist who exploited their position of power and trust in the most unforgivable way. Let her know you are there for her, no matter what.

Seeking counseling services for both you and your daughter can help process the trauma she experienced in a healthy way. Having a safe, non-judgmental space to process emotions around the rape, threats from her abuser, and subsequent pregnancy can begin to heal the harm that happened to your family and help support your decision-making going forward. You might also suggest group therapy to her. Meeting other people who have experienced similar situations can help her feel less alone and give her a larger community of support. While professional services may be helpful, she might not be ready for that yet. That is okay. Respect her decision-making and let her know you are willing to help connect her should she change her mind.

Regarding custody and protecting your daughter and grandson from further abuse and threats, it is wise to explore all legal options and victim advocacy resources. A protection or restraining order may be viable to prevent the aggressor from contacting her. You may also wish to consult with organizations that specialize in custody cases involving abuse to understand parental rights and how to best ensure your grandson's safety. It is important to note that navigating these services may be retraumatizing for your daughter. Proactively anticipate this and continue surrounding your daughter with reassurance that this was not her fault, and that you support any decisions that she makes that she thinks is best. Your love, patience and advocacy for your daughter will be crucial as she tries to heal from this devastating experience. Thank you again for reaching out to us.

Question 7

When I was young, something happened between my older cousin and me. We had a good relationship at first - we watched shows together and played games. At some point, we started viewing explicit content together. After watching inappropriate content, we both agreed to engage in sexual activity. During this encounter, I noticed my cousin became quiet, but I continued. I attempted certain acts and guided his hand to touch me, though he didn't respond much. I recently learned that my cousin says this was a harmful experience for him. I'm confused about what happened because I was the younger person involved. Can you help me understand this situation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. What you're describing sounds like a deeply confusing and painful situation that has stayed with you for a long time, and your desire to understand what happened shows your care for both yourself and your cousin.

When you were 11 years old, you and your cousin were both navigating a time of growth and curiosity. Sexual encounters between children, especially when there's an age difference, are complicated situations that don't fit neatly into adult frameworks of consent and harm. Children and adolescents often explore and imitate what they see in media without fully understanding the implications or boundaries. When children are exposed to sexual content beyond their developmental understanding, it can lead to sexual behaviors that they're not emotionally or cognitively equipped to navigate. At that age, it's common not to grasp the boundaries or the potential impact of certain actions on ourselves or others. This doesn't make you a bad person - it means you were a child processing experiences and information that were too advanced for your age.

The fact that your cousin became quiet and unresponsive during this encounter is significant. Even when someone initially agrees to something, they can change their mind, feel uncomfortable, or freeze up - especially children who may not have the words or understanding to communicate their feelings. Children often don't know how to say no or stop something once it's started, particularly with someone they trust or when they feel confused about what's happening. It's understandable that you're questioning what happened and how your cousin might have felt about it, and learning that he describes the experience as negative can bring up feelings of confusion or guilt.

Each person's experience is unique, and it's possible for two people involved in the same event to perceive it differently. Your cousin's feelings about the experience are valid, just as your feelings and questions are valid. Age differences between children, even just a few years, represent significant gaps in physical, emotional, and cognitive development. What feels like mutual exploration to one child can feel overwhelming, scary, or harmful to another. The fact that your cousin describes this as a harmful experience for him is his truth, and that's valid regardless of your intentions or your age at the time. Trauma isn't determined by intent but by impact.

It's important to recognize that both you and your cousin were children navigating something neither of you was prepared for. This doesn't minimize the impact on your cousin, but it also doesn't make you responsible in the way an adult would be. Children learn about boundaries, consent, and appropriate behavior through guidance and experience --guidance that was missing in this situation. At the same time, carrying guilt and confusion about childhood experiences can be very heavy, and you deserve support in processing these feelings.

Considering the complexity of these feelings and the impact this has had on both of you, it might be helpful to talk to a trusted adult or a mental health professional who specializes in childhood sexual behavior and trauma. They can help you process this experience, understand the complexity of what happened, work through the emotions you're carrying, and explore any concerns you might have. If you feel it would be appropriate and beneficial, you might also consider whether reaching out to your cousin to acknowledge his experience could be healing for both of you, though this should be done with professional guidance.

You are not alone, and it's okay to seek help in making sense of past experiences. Taking care of yourself and acknowledging your feelings is an important step toward understanding and healing. These difficult experiences from childhood don't define who you are as a person today. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.

Question 8

I am wondering if this is child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? When I was around 9 years old, I was exposed to adult content and my siblings decided to try out what we saw. Later, we decided to introduce this game, we called it the Kissing Game, to a few girls from our neighborhood. I have been feeling guilty about this. My siblings don't seem to be affected by it. Recently I discovered the term COCSA and after that I can't stop thinking that I caused harm to others. My mother says it was only experimentation and that I need to move on because my anxiety is only causing me harm. I don't know what to do, I feel like a monster.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your courage in sharing your story and the complex emotions you're grappling with. It's clear that this childhood experience has weighed heavily on you. Your feelings of guilt and anxiety are valid. Discovering the term child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) can bring up painful memories, worries, and fears, but it's important to approach your situation with nuance and self-compassion.

Curiosity and sexual experimentation are a normal part of child development. Children often mimic or reenact behaviors they've been exposed to, without fully comprehending the implications. While some instances of childhood sexual experimentation can be considered COCSA, it's important to understand that harm is determined by those who experience it. Without direct communication from the other children involved, it would be difficult to speculate about the impact on them. It's possible that they, like your siblings, do not feel negatively affected by these experiences.

Your mother's perspective that this was experimentation is a common viewpoint, as many adults recognize that children's sexual behavior exists on a spectrum and doesn't always equate to abuse. However, it's equally important to validate your own emotions and experiences. If you're struggling with guilt and anxiety related to these memories, your feelings deserve to be acknowledged and addressed.

Healing from complex childhood experiences is a highly individualized journey. It's not uncommon for people to have conflicting emotions and to grapple with shame related to their role in past events. I encourage you to seek the support of a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and development. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process your emotions, work through the guilt, and develop a plan forward.

Remember, your worth as a person is not defined by your childhood actions or experiences. You have the capacity to heal, grow, and lead a fulfilling life. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this process.

You deserve to find peace and self-forgiveness. Reach out to a trusted professional, lean on your support system, and know that you have the strength within you to move forward. Thank you again for this question.

Question 9

When I was 14/15, something happened with my cousin who lived with my family. We were both dealing with porn addiction at the time. After seeing inappropriate content, I initially suggested we try something sexual, but quickly told him it felt wrong and we should stop. The situation came up again (either that night or the next), and I agreed.

During this encounter, when he attempted penetration, I completely froze - just staring at the wall. After trying twice, he became frustrated with my lack of response. I only 'came back to myself' when he was guiding my hands to touch him.

Does this count as COCSA even though I suggested it first and said yes the second time? How do I make sense of what happened when I froze?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. Early exposure to pornography during puberty can significantly impact how young people understand relationships, boundaries, and sexual behavior. When young teens are exposed to explicit sexual content before they've developed a mature understanding of relationships and consent, it can create confusion about what's normal or appropriate. This is especially true when both people involved are dealing with porn exposure - it can blur the lines between what you've seen online and what feels right in reality.

Only you can decide how to label or understand this experience. What I can tell you is that COCSA often involves situations where one young person continues sexual activity after the other person has expressed discomfort or withdrawn consent, or when one person becomes unresponsive. The presence of initial consent doesn't negate what happens after someone says no or becomes unable to respond.

What you're describing involves several complex layers of consent and power dynamics. Your confusion about the experience is completely valid. Saying "yes" after saying "no" doesn't invalidate your initial refusal or your right to withdraw consent. You clearly expressed that it felt wrong and wanted to stop - that matters. Many young people in similar situations feel pressure to continue even after expressing discomfort, especially when they're trying to make sense of sexual feelings during puberty while also managing exposure to sexual content they're not emotionally ready to process.

The freeze response you experienced during the attempted penetration is a very common trauma response - it's not a form of consent, but rather your body's natural protective mechanism. Many people experience this kind of dissociative state during unwanted sexual encounters, where they feel disconnected from their body and unable to move or speak. You described it perfectly: "staring at the wall" and only "coming back to yourself" later.

Your questioning whether it "counts" is not uncommon, but please know that suggesting something and then changing your mind is completely valid. You had every right to withdraw consent, and your freeze response clearly indicates you were no longer comfortable with what was happening. It's understandable that you've focused on the hand-guiding moment as problematic - it represents a clear moment where your autonomy was overridden. But your frozen state during the attempted penetration is equally significant.

Early porn exposure can create confusing feelings about sexual experiences - sometimes making it hard to distinguish between curiosity, peer pressure, and genuine desire. This confusion can be especially intense when it involves someone you trust or are close to, like a family member. It's common for young people in these situations to feel both drawn to and uncomfortable with sexual exploration, especially when porn has provided their main framework for understanding sexuality.

If you're looking to understand this experience better, a counselor who specializes in adolescent sexual experiences could help you process these memories and feelings without requiring you to label them in any particular way. They can also help you understand how early porn exposure might have influenced your understanding of relationships and boundaries.

Remember: Your feelings about this experience are valid, regardless of how it started or who suggested what. Early exposure to sexual content doesn't make you responsible for situations where your boundaries were crossed. Thank you for reaching out to us. We appreciate your trust.

Question 10

When I was between ages 5-8, I would ask my older cousin (who was 10-14 at the time) to accompany me to a bathroom that had a couch in it. I have memories of sitting on him or hugging him from the side, and saying things like 'did you miss me.' I'm not sure if this was play or something else, as I didn't recognize it as potentially inappropriate until reflecting on it years later. I'm trying to understand if this would be considered problematic sexual behavior between siblings/cousins (COCSA) given our age difference. What steps can I take to process this memory?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory and seeking understanding about it. While only you can label your experiences, let me offer some perspective that might help you process this.

From what you've described, it seems you were a young child (5-8) seeking attention or companionship from an older cousin in a way that made sense to your young mind at the time. Children often don't have a clear understanding of private spaces or appropriate physical boundaries, and might seek physical closeness or attention in ways that they later question as adults. The fact that you initiated these interactions by asking your cousin to accompany you suggests you felt safe with them, and while the location (bathroom) was private, your description doesn't indicate your cousin initiated or encouraged inappropriate behavior.

It's completely normal to look back on childhood memories and question them through an adult lens. However, it's important to remember that children often act in ways that make perfect sense to their limited understanding of the world, even if those same actions might seem concerning when we recall them years later. From what you've shared, this appears to have been childhood behavior without sexual intent - sitting on or hugging a family member, seeking attention and expressing affection, albeit in a private setting that your adult self now questions.

If you're finding these memories troubling or want to better understand them, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. They can provide a safe space to explore these memories and their impact on you without imposing any particular interpretation or label. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you process these childhood experiences - you were a young child who didn't yet understand complex social boundaries.

Your feelings about these memories - whatever they may be - are valid, and seeking understanding is a healthy part of processing childhood experiences. Thank you for asking us this. We hoped this helped at least a little in moving you forward in your processing and understanding of this memory.

Question 11

I have memories from when I was 4 or 5 involving an older child (around 10-13) who my mom babysat. He showed signs of early exposure to sexual content. I remember him taking me to a room and trying to make me undress, and I believe he touched me inappropriately. Being so young, I didn't understand what was happening at the time. He also physically harmed me through strangulation when I was 6. I'm just beginning to process these memories and realize the severity of what happened. How should I characterize these experiences? Is this COCSA?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing these difficult memories. Processing childhood experiences like these can feel overwhelming, especially when we begin to understand them from an adult perspective.

The significant age difference you describe - between a 4-5 year old and a 10-13 year old - represents an important power imbalance. At 4-5, a child cannot understand or consent to sexual interactions. The older child's age and development level gave them considerably more power and understanding, even if their own behavior likely stemmed from concerning exposure or experiences of their own.

The combination of sexual behavior and physical violence (strangulation) you describe indicates serious boundary violations that could have felt frightening and confusing for a young child. Your growing recognition of these experiences' severity is a normal part of processing - sometimes our adult minds begin to understand things our child minds couldn't make sense of at the time.

While I cannot definitively label your experiences, as that's a personal choice that belongs to you, what you're describing aligns with what many professionals would consider harmful or abusive behavior (sometimes labeled as COCSA). The fact that the older child was also young doesn't minimize the impact these experiences may have had on you.

It's completely normal to have unclear or fragmented memories from this age, especially regarding confusing or frightening experiences. Some details may be vivid while others feel hazy - this is how young children's brains typically store memories, particularly of overwhelming events.

If you're beginning to process these memories now, please know that support is available. Many people find that working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood experiences can help them understand and cope with early memories like these. They can provide a safe space to explore these experiences without judgment and help you process them in a way that feels right for you.

Remember, whatever impact these experiences had on you is valid, and however you choose to characterize them is valid too. You're showing strength in beginning to examine these memories, and you deserve support in this process. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 12

I need help understanding an experience from my youth. When I was 11-12, my sister (3 years older) began inappropriately touching my chest, first over clothes and then under them. She also had me touch her in similar ways, which made me uncomfortable though I complied to play along. She would make comments like 'My body reacted to how you touched it' (which I didn't understand until later) and called them 'stress balls.' While I was uncomfortable, I didn't recognize it as sexual at the time - it just bothered me like someone pinching you would. This continued until I was 16 (she was 19). I actually forgot about it for a while, but now at 20, I've started reflecting on how inappropriate it was - I can't imagine doing something similar to a 16-17 year old, and seeing normal sibling interactions makes me uncomfortable as I think about what happened. I'm trying to understand this experience better.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Based on what you shared, it sounds like your older sister engaged in behaviors that made you feel uncomfortable, even if you didn't fully understand why at the time. Touching someone's body without clear and enthusiastic consent, especially in intimate ways, crosses personal boundaries. The fact that you felt uneasy but went along with it to "play along" indicates that your boundaries were not respected.

It's natural that you didn't relate these actions to something sexual at that age, especially if you didn't fully understand what was happening. Childhood and adolescence are times when we're still learning about our bodies and boundaries. As you've grown older and gained more understanding, it's normal to reevaluate past experiences through a new lens. Feeling discomfort or even disgust now is a valid response as you recognize that what happened wasn't appropriate.

Only you can decide how to label your experiences, but it's important to acknowledge that your feelings of unease suggest that your personal boundaries were violated. This could fall under the category of inappropriate or non-consensual touching, regardless of the labels used. The key is that your feelings matter, and what happened has had an impact on you.

If you're finding it difficult to process these memories or if they're causing you distress, consider reaching out to a mental health professional or counselor. They can provide a safe and confidential space for you to explore your feelings and help you navigate through this complex situation.

Remember, you're not alone, and it's okay to seek support. Be gentle with yourself as you work through these emotions. Thanks for reaching out to us. We hope this provided a bit of clarity for you.

Question 13

Seven years ago, during New Year's, my cousin sexually touched me on a terrace while watching fireworks. He had previously abused me when we were children. During this incident, I froze and couldn't speak, but my body responded with physical pleasure even though I didn't want what was happening. My mind seemed to completely focus on the physical sensations, and I don't clearly remember how it ended.
Years later, I find myself crying about this and feeling guilty about how my body responded. I've noticed similar automatic physical responses in other unwanted situations. Was this assault despite my body's response? Is this reaction normal?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. Let me offer some perspective that might help you understand your experience and reactions...

Physical responses during unwanted sexual contact are completely involuntary - like a knee-jerk reflex when a doctor taps it, or sweating when you're cold. These responses happen without our consent or control. Your cousin initiated sexual contact without your permission or desire, taking advantage of a situation where you were alone and vulnerable, and your previous history with him. Nothing about your body's response changes the fact that he acted inappropriately and violated your boundaries.

The "freeze" response you described, along with not remembering how it ended, is a natural survival mechanism that many people experience in threatening situations. When we can't fight or run, our bodies sometimes protect us by freezing or disconnecting from the experience. Your mind focusing intensely on physical sensations while feeling disconnected from everything else is also a common protective response.

It's understandable to feel confused and guilty about experiencing physical pleasure during an unwanted encounter. These feelings often surface years later as we try to make sense of complex experiences. Your current physical responses to certain touches, like when someone grabs your wrist, may be connected to these earlier experiences - our bodies sometimes develop automatic responses as a way of coping with past events.

Be gentle with yourself for your body's automatic responses, both during that encounter and now. What matters is that your cousin initiated sexual contact without your consent, taking advantage of your vulnerability and your previous history. Those actions were clearly inappropriate, regardless of how your body responded.

If you're finding these memories and reactions difficult to process, many people find it helpful to work with a counselor who specializes in complex experiences like yours. They can help you understand your responses and develop ways to feel more in control of your body's reactions. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 14

When I was 13-14, I had experiences with a slightly younger peer (12-13) that involved kissing. The interactions felt confusing - the first time her head was in my lap and our faces were very close, leading to what might have been an accidental kiss. Later, she initiated kissing as a 'birthday gift' at recess, and I'm still unsure if I liked it because it was new or if I was just embarrassed about being seen. Another time when I was upset and crying, she tried to kiss me but I rejected it because I just wanted emotional comfort. After that rejection, she stopped talking to me entirely, which made me realize she wasn't interested in actual friendship. Looking back, I feel disgust and anger about these experiences, but I'm unsure if they count as COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse) since it was 'just kissing.' I also struggle with guilt about letting someone younger 'take control,' and I'm confused about whether I really liked her or just wanted intimacy. Do I have the right to feel annoyed about these experiences?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this with us. We appreciate your trust. Your feelings of confusion, disgust, and anger are completely valid, regardless of whether the interactions involved "just" kissing. At 13-14, you were navigating the early stages of understanding relationships and boundaries-- a time when comprehending and communicating about consent is still developing for everyone involved.

During early adolescence, it sounds like both parties were navigating complex emotional and physical development, which can make understanding and setting boundaries particularly challenging. The power dynamics in peer relationships during this time can be subtle and complicated. The pattern you describe - where she initiated physical contact without clear consent and seemed uninterested in emotional connection or friendship - suggests these interactions weren't mutually comfortable or desired. The fact that you specifically remember feeling uncomfortable when seeking emotional support and receiving unwanted physical advances instead is particularly significant.

COCSA encompasses a range of behaviors, including unwanted kissing or touching, especially when there's a lack of true consent or when coercion, manipulation, or power imbalances are present. While kissing can be a normal part of adolescent exploration, it becomes concerning when it's unwanted or forced upon someone. In your situation, the unsolicited advances and the way she disregarded your emotional needs could be considered a violation of your personal boundaries. Your feeling that she "took control" reflects a valid concern about autonomy in these situations.

It's natural to feel conflicted about experiences like these, especially when they happened during such formative years. The guilt you feel about a younger peer taking control is a common reaction, but it's important to understand that this doesn't diminish the impact of having your boundaries crossed. Questioning whether you "liked it" or wanted intimacy is also a common response when processing complicated encounters. Your current feelings of disgust and anger might be your adult self recognizing that these interactions didn't respect your emotional needs or boundaries.

These experiences can significantly impact how we view relationships and intimacy going forward. The fact that she stopped engaging with you entirely after you set a boundary by rejecting her kiss suggests the relationship wasn't built on mutual respect or care. Working with a mental health professional who specializes in adolescent experiences can help process these memories and emotions in a healthy way. They can help you understand how these early experiences might influence your current relationships and develop strategies for establishing and maintaining comfortable boundaries.

Remember that your emotional response to these memories is valid, regardless of the specific acts involved or the age of the other person. You have every right to feel annoyed, angry, or any other emotion about interactions that left you feeling uncomfortable or violated. Healing starts with acknowledging these feelings and understanding that your comfort and consent matter, both then and now. You're not alone in these feelings, and seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 15

I'm struggling with memories of a past relationship that keep replaying in my head. When I was 16½, I dated a 20-year-old woman for about a year. I'm conflicted because it felt like a positive experience - she was understanding and supportive during a difficult time in my life, especially after my earlier childhood trauma.

We met online, and while she made suggestive comments and requested photos and video calls involving my body, I always declined because I felt insecure about my weight. I even apologized to her later for not complying, feeling like I was being a bad boyfriend because I truly cared for her.

Now I'm questioning these interactions. There wasn't any obvious manipulation or violence like in other situations, and the relationship felt genuine and caring. But something keeps triggering that 'this was inappropriate' feeling. I'm struggling to reconcile my positive memories and affection for her with this growing discomfort. How do I process these feelings?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It's completely understandable to feel conflicted about experiences that had both positive emotional elements and concerning power dynamics. During adolescence, our understanding of relationships is still developing, and what felt normal or caring at 16 can look different through adult eyes. The fact that you're questioning these interactions now is actually a sign of healthy emotional development and growing awareness.

It sounds like at the time, you found someone who seemed to truly understand you during a difficult period in your life, particularly after experiencing earlier trauma. This emotional connection and understanding can create powerful, lasting positive memories. The age gap between you and your then-girlfriend might not have seemed significant at the time, especially given the depth of emotional support you received.

However, there's a reason you're now experiencing that internal "this is inappropriate" alarm. During adolescence, our brains are still developing, particularly the parts that handle decision-making, risk assessment, and long-term consequences. This creates an inherent power imbalance in relationships between teenagers and adults, even when there's genuine care and affection involved. This imbalance can manifest in subtle ways that become clearer with adult perspective.

The situation with the photos and video calls illustrates this dynamic well. You felt uncomfortable showing your body, primarily due to insecurity about your weight. But the fact that you later apologized for not complying suggests you felt a responsibility to meet her requests, even though they made you uncomfortable. This kind of subtle pressure - where you feel guilty for maintaining your boundaries - often becomes more recognizable as problematic when we look back with adult understanding.

The complexity of your feelings makes perfect sense - you can simultaneously hold appreciation for the emotional support she provided during a difficult time and recognize that certain aspects of the relationship weren't appropriate given your ages. This isn't about invalidating the genuine connection you felt or the positive impact she had on your life. Rather, it's about understanding how relationships can have both nurturing and problematic elements, especially when they involve significant age differences during adolescence.

Questioning past experiences is a sign of emotional growth and developing awareness. Your feelings - both the positive memories and the current discomfort - are valid parts of your journey. Take your time processing these emotions, and be gentle with yourself as you work through them.

Thank you again for sharing your experience with us. We are here for you.

Question 16

I was abused at the age of 5 and suppressed the memories until they came back in my early teens. I'm an adult now and despite the tremendous pain and anxiety I was going through, I didn't feel shame or guilt until recently. I had a nightmare last week with a voice telling me I was bound to become like my abuser, that I was a monster. My mind has been plagued with these thoughts ever since. It won't stop despite me logically knowing it's ridiculous. Now every time I see a child, I get horrific flashbacks of my abuse. I don't know what to do. This has never happened to me before and I'm confused as to why it happened so suddenly. I can't help but feel like a monster every time it happens. Can you help me understand what might be happening?

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing such distressing thoughts and feelings. It's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and confused right now. What you're experiencing is actually a common and deeply painful manifestation of trauma. First and foremost, the intrusive thoughts you're having do not make you a monster—they are a symptom of trauma, not a reflection of who you are or who you will become.

The sudden emergence of these thoughts and flashbacks may be triggered by a new life stage, increased stress, or other factors that have temporarily reduced your capacity to manage traumatic memories. When our defenses are down, trauma can resurface in new and frightening ways. Sometimes, memories and emotions connected to past trauma can resurface unexpectedly, even after many years. Nightmares and intrusive thoughts can be ways your mind is processing unresolved feelings.

The fear of becoming like your abuser is a common concern among survivors. Research consistently shows that the vast majority of survivors never become abusers. The narrative that abuse is inevitably passed down is harmful and inaccurate. Your awareness, your concern, and your moral compass actually demonstrate that you are the opposite of what you fear. The fact that these thoughts upset you so much shows that you have a strong sense of empathy and morals—the exact opposite of what you're afraid of.

These intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are your brain's way of trying to process unresolved trauma. Your brain is attempting to protect you by constantly scanning for danger, which is why seeing children might trigger flashbacks—your brain is making connections to protect you from perceived threats similar to your past trauma. This doesn't mean you would ever harm anyone. Rather, it's probably a sign that you're still healing from what happened to you. Healing is not always a linear process, and it's okay to have moments where things feel more challenging.

Some approaches that might help include: working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse, practicing grounding techniques when flashbacks occur (like naming five things you can see, four things you can touch, etc.), and reminding yourself that these thoughts are symptoms, not facts about you or your future. It might be especially helpful to reach out to a mental health professional who specializes in trauma or abuse. They can provide support and strategies to help you manage these intrusive thoughts and navigate this difficult time.

What you're experiencing is not permanent, and with appropriate support, these intrusive thoughts can diminish significantly. Many survivors have walked this difficult path and found relief. Your recognition of these thoughts as unwanted and distressing is itself evidence of your fundamental goodness and moral clarity. Remember, you're not alone in this, and there are people who can help you work through these feelings. Please be gentle with yourself. What you're experiencing is a response to trauma, not a reflection of who you are as a person. You deserve care, understanding, and support as you continue to heal. Thank you for trusting us with this, you are not alone.

Question 17

Quiero saber si fui víctima de COCSA. Cuando era niña, a mis amigas les permitían ver contenido para adultos, y ellas intentaban recrear esas cosas conmigo. Me besaban y me tocaban sin que yo entendiera. Una vez, me presionaron para que me desvistiera, y luego se burlaron de mi cuerpo frente a nuestros compañeros de clase, lo cual fue humillante. Eso me dificultó hacer amigas. Ahora que soy mayor, me pregunto: ¿eso fue acoso o abuso?

I want to know if I was a victim of COCSA. When I was a child, my friends were allowed to watch adult content, and they tried to reenact those things with me. They kissed and touched me without my understanding. Once, they pressured me to undress, and later mocked my body to our classmates, which was humiliating. It made it hard for me to make friends. Now that I'm older, I wonder - was that harassment or abuse?

Accepted Answer

Lo siento mucho que hayas pasado por esa experiencia cuando eras niña. Lo que describiste suena extremadamente confuso y violento, así que gracias por confiar en nosotros con esta información. Basándonos en lo que describiste, lo que tus amigas te hicieron ciertamente podría ser una forma de abuso sexual de niño a niño (COCSA, por sus siglas en inglés). Sus acciones, incluyendo presionarte para que te desvistas, tocarte sin tu consentimiento y burlarse públicamente de tu cuerpo, fueron dañinas. Es comprensible que esta experiencia te haya dificultado confiar en los demás y formar amistades.

Aunque no podemos saber con certeza cuáles eran sus intenciones, es importante reconocer y honrar el impacto que sus acciones tuvieron en ti. Independientemente de sus motivos, el comportamiento fue inapropiado y te causó una angustia y humillación significativas.

El COCSA puede tener efectos duraderos en la salud mental y las relaciones de una persona. Es importante recordar que lo que sucedió no fue tu culpa. Eras una niña de la que se aprovecharon otras personas que habían sido expuestas a contenido inapropiado.

Para algunas sobrevivientes, etiquetar su experiencia como abuso puede ser empoderante y validante, ya que reconoce la gravedad de lo que pasaron. Sin embargo, para otras, las etiquetas pueden sentirse limitantes o incluso angustiantes. Es crucial recordar que el camino de sanación de cada persona es único, y no hay una forma correcta o incorrecta de procesar tus experiencias.

Buscar el apoyo de un terapeuta especializado en traumas infantiles puede ser beneficioso para procesar estas experiencias y sanar de su impacto. Recuerda que no estás sola y que hay recursos disponibles para ayudarte a superar este trauma a tu propio ritmo y de una manera que te resulte cómoda.

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I am so sorry you went through that experience as a child. What your described sounds extremely confusing and violating so thank you for trusting us with this information. Based on what you decribed, what your friends did to you could certainly be a form of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Their actions, including pressuring you to undress, touching you without consent, and publicly mocking your body, were harmful. It's understandable that this experience made it difficult for you to trust others and form friendships.

While we can't know for certain what their intentions were, it's important to acknowledge and honor the impact their actions had on you. Regardless of their motives, the behavior was inappropriate and caused you significant distress and humiliation.

COCSA can have long-lasting effects on a person's mental health and relationships. It's important to remember that what happened was not your fault. You were a child who was taken advantage of by others who had been exposed to inappropriate content.

For some survivors, labeling their experience as abuse can be empowering and validating, as it acknowledges the gravity of what they went through. However, for others, labels might feel constraining or even distressing. It's crucial to remember that everyone's healing journey is unique, and there is no right or wrong way to process your experiences.

Seeking support from a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma can be beneficial in processing these experiences and healing from their impact. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you work through this trauma at your own pace and in a way that feels comfortable for you.

Question 18

When I was 14/15, I had a confusing sexual encounter with my 11/12-year-old cousin. It began with me suggesting touching over clothes, which felt like a game initially. He asked for consent, which I gave, but things escalated to attempted penetration and guided touching of private parts. I froze and remained silent throughout, dissociating from the experience. Afterward, my behavior changed dramatically - I became aggressive toward him, developed an intense relationship with porn, and felt my room was contaminated by his presence. I'm confused about my role since I initiated the initial contact but then froze when it escalated. I need help understanding if I was a perpetrator or a victim, and why I didn't stop it when it felt wrong.

Accepted Answer

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so confused and distressed about this experience. It's completely understandable that you're trying to make sense of what happened between you and your cousin. Reflecting on past events, especially those that are complex and emotionally charged, can be challenging and bring up a lot of mixed emotions.

During adolescence, we're often navigating new feelings and experiences without fully understanding them. It's common for young people to explore boundaries and relationships as they're growing up, sometimes leading to situations that are confusing or uncomfortable later on. It sounds like, at first, the interaction with your cousin felt like a game to you, involving innocent touch over clothes. However, when things progressed further than you anticipated or were comfortable with, it left you feeling unsettled.

Feeling unsure about your role in what happened is a natural response. You were both very young, and neither of you may have fully grasped the implications of your actions. It's important to remember that at that age, children and teenagers are still learning about consent, boundaries, and appropriate behavior. You mentioned that your cousin asked if you were sure, and you said yes, which suggests that there was some level of communication, but it's also clear that things moved into a space where you felt uncomfortable and possibly powerless to voice your feelings.

The changes in your behavior afterward—becoming distant, feeling irritated by his presence, and experiencing a heightened relationship with pornography—indicate that this experience had a significant impact on you. These reactions might stem from unresolved feelings of confusion, guilt, or even a sense of violation. It's not uncommon for people who have undergone confusing or distressing experiences to act out or have difficulty processing their emotions.

It's important to be gentle with yourself as you reflect on this. You were navigating a complex situation at a young age without the tools or understanding that might have helped you handle it differently. Consider that both you and your cousin were trying to make sense of your own feelings and boundaries. Neither of you may have intended harm, but that doesn't lessen the impact it had on you.

It might be helpful to talk to a trusted adult or a professional who can provide support as you work through these feelings. They can help you explore what happened, understand your emotions, and offer guidance on how to heal and move forward. Remember, you're not alone in this, and reaching out for help is a brave and important step.

Understanding complex feelings and experiences takes time, and it's okay to have unanswered questions as you navigate this process. Be patient with yourself, and know that support is available to help you make sense of everything you're feeling. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not to blame and are not alone.

Question 19

A los 9-10 años tuve dos amigas alrededor de la misma edad, que al momento de irlas a visitar a sus casas terminaban besándome por curiosidad y yo solamente me quedaba quieta esperando a que terminarán, nunca llegué a entender si fue abuso o algo por el estilo, una de ellas me decía que buscará videos pornográficos en mi celular y años después no cargo ningún peso sobre la situación, me siento neutral al respecto y quiero comprender realmente qué fue lo que me pasó.

When I was 9-10 years old, I had two friends around the same age. Whenever I visited them at their homes, they would end up kissing me out of curiosity, and I would just stay still, waiting for them to finish. I never quite understood if it was abuse or something like that. One of them told me to search for pornographic videos on my phone. Years later, I don't carry any burden regarding the situation; I feel neutral about it, and I want to truly understand what happened to me.

Accepted Answer

Gracias por esta pregunta. Lo que experimentaste con tus amigas a esa edad podría considerarse una forma de exploración o experimentación sexual, lo cual no es infrecuente entre los niños. Es importante recordar que los niños sienten curiosidad natural por sus cuerpos y pueden participar en este tipo de comportamiento sin comprender completamente las implicaciones.

El hecho de que te sientas neutral sobre la situación y no cargues ninguna carga emocional relacionada con ella sugiere que estas experiencias pueden no haber sido traumáticas para ti. Es posible que hayas procesado estos eventos de una manera que te permitió seguir adelante sin una angustia significativa. Cada persona responde e interpreta sus experiencias de manera diferente, y sentirse neutral es una respuesta válida.

Sin embargo, a medida que crezcas y adquieras nuevas perspectivas, es posible que te encuentres reevaluando lo sucedido. Si, en algún momento, comienzas a sentirte angustiada, confundida o preocupada por estos recuerdos, está perfectamente bien buscar ayuda y apoyo.

Procesar las experiencias de la infancia relacionadas con la sexualidad puede ser complejo, y no es infrecuente que las personas tengan preguntas o inquietudes que surjan más adelante en la vida. Si te encuentras en esta situación, comunicarte con un profesional de la salud mental de confianza, como un terapeuta especializado en experiencias infantiles o salud sexual, puede proporcionar un espacio seguro para explorar tus sentimientos y trabajar a través de cualquier desafío que pueda surgir.

Recuerda, tus experiencias y emociones son válidas, independientemente de cómo elijas etiquetarlas. Confía en tus instintos y prioriza tu salud mental y autocuidado. Lo que es angustiante para una persona puede no serlo para otra y eso está absolutamente bien. Gracias por confiar en nosotros con esta pregunta. No estás solo.

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Thank you for this question. What you experienced with your friends at that age could be considered a form of sexual exploration or experimentation, which is not uncommon among children. It's important to remember that children are naturally curious about their bodies and may engage in such behavior without fully understanding the implications.

The fact that you feel neutral about the situation and don't carry any emotional burden related to it suggests that these experiences may not have been traumatic for you. It's possible that you processed these events in a way that allowed you to move forward without significant distress. Everyone responds to and interprets their experiences differently, and feeling neutral is a valid response.

However, As you grow older and gain new perspectives, you might find yourself reevaluating what happened. If, at any point, you begin to feel distressed, confused, or troubled by these memories, it's perfectly okay to seek help and support.

Processing childhood experiences related to sexuality can be complex, and it's not uncommon for individuals to have questions or concerns that arise later in life. If you find yourself in this situation, reaching out to a trusted mental health professional, such as a therapist specializing in childhood experiences or sexual health, can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and work through any challenges that may surface.

Remember, your experiences and emotions are valid, regardless of how you choose to label them. Trust your instincts and prioritize your mental health and self-care. What is distressing for one person may not be distressing for another and that is absolutely okay. Thank you for trusting us with this question. You are not alone.

Question 20

If one person asks for sex and the other gives it, why does the person who asked for it feel bad? I remember when I was younger, I asked a cousin for sex. I don't know what happened because I remember a specific scene - just being there and feeling it all. Not a pleasant sensation, just there. Feeling the skin stretch and nothing more. I don't know why I want to complain now when I asked for it. More things happened, like them taking my hands and guiding me. But how do you know if something happened or if you're just complaining? How do you know if something bad happened to you? How do you know if it was something bad if you don't feel that way? Other people might say "I knew I didn't want to" or "Something broke deep down." But if you don't have that, how do you know? How do you know that you are not the bad person shifting the blame and that you are actually the abuser? How do you know if something bad happened to you when you caused it? Is it normal to have these thoughts and doubts that confuse me and destroy all stability? How do you know what actually happened versus just feelings about what happened?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us about this. First, it's important to understand that children and adolescents cannot consent to sexual activity, regardless of who initiates it. When you were younger, your brain was still developing, particularly the areas responsible for understanding consequences, processing complex emotions, and making informed decisions about sexuality. Even if you asked for something, that doesn't mean you were capable of truly consenting to it or understanding what you were asking for. Adults and older individuals have a responsibility to set appropriate boundaries with younger people, regardless of what a child or teen might say or do.

The disconnected, emotionless way you describe remembering this experience (for example "just being there and feeling it all, not a pleasant sensation, just there") could be signs of a very common trauma response called dissociation. When our minds encounter something overwhelming or confusing, especially during crucial developmental periods, they sometimes protect us by creating emotional distance from the experience. This can leave us with fragmented memories and a sense of detachment that can be deeply confusing later on.

Your doubts about your own experience are not evidence that nothing happened or that you're making things up. Trauma memories often feel fragmented, confusing, or unclear because of how our brains process overwhelming experiences. The fact that you remember specific physical sensations and details like hands being guided suggests that something significant did occur. Self-doubt is actually one of the most common responses survivors have, partly because trauma can disrupt our ability to trust our own perceptions and partly because our culture often questions survivors' experiences.

The shame and self-blame you're experiencing (for example wondering if you're the "bad person" or the "abuser") are heartbreaking but unfortunately very typical responses to childhood sexual experiences. Children often blame themselves for adult actions because it feels safer to believe they had control over what happened than to acknowledge they were powerless. This self-blame can persist well into adulthood and becomes a source of tremendous pain and confusion.

You are not responsible for what happened to you, regardless of what you might have said or done as a child or teenager. The confusion and pain you're feeling now are valid responses to a harmful experience. Many survivors don't have clear feelings of "knowing" something was wrong at the time-- especially when they were very young or when the experience involved someone they trusted or cared about. The absence of clear negative feelings during the experience doesn't mean it wasn't harmful or inappropriate.

Your questioning and doubts don't make your experience less real or less significant. They're actually part of how your mind is trying to process something that was confusing and inappropriate when it happened. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences can help you work through these doubts and feelings in a safe space where you won't be judged or questioned. You deserve support in understanding your own experience and finding peace with these difficult memories and feelings. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Welcome to Unapologetically Surviving.

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When I was young, around 6-7 years old, I had sexual experiences with my cousin who was a year older. I also remember situations where my parents had sexual relations while I was in bed with them, thinking I was asleep. I'm seeking guidance about whether these experiences constitute sexual abuse.

Is it normal to have confusion about intimate childhood experiences with a cousin who was two years older?

Can it count as abuse even if this other person is also a woman and was around 10 years old? I feel like everyone is going to say that it doesn't count as abuse just for this reason.

When I was about 4 years old my 9 year old sister started forcing me to kiss her on the mouth, I never wanted to do it but she forced me to, does it count as abuse? Or am I just being dramatic?

Why did my cousin and I touch each other's private parts when we were little? Is this normal or does it mean something concerning?

When I was young, around 6-7 years old, I had sexual experiences with my cousin who was a year older. I also remember situations where my parents had sexual relations while I was in bed with them, thinking I was asleep. I'm seeking guidance about whether these experiences constitute sexual abuse.

When I was about 4 years old my 9 year old sister started forcing me to kiss her on the mouth, I never wanted to do it but she forced me to, does it count as abuse? Or am I just being dramatic?

Is it normal to have confusion about intimate childhood experiences with a cousin who was two years older?

Why did my cousin and I touch each other's private parts when we were little? Is this normal or does it mean something concerning?

Can it count as abuse even if this other person is also a woman and was around 10 years old? I feel like everyone is going to say that it doesn't count as abuse just for this reason.

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