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Rising Above Betrayal
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Healing is first acceptance of horrific circumstances, and stop trying to be neutral about it, to not rock the boat, and then to be horrified, and be devastated, and mourn. A lot of crying and depression and feelings of worthlessnesses are involved. It is important to shut yourself off from any and all mean people and seek out those who have kindness, acceptance and understanding . This mourning is ongoing, but part of healing is that you must move forward. It is not a couch to lie on , but a springboard to launch you into a better life, realizing you CAN choose, you CAN move on. You will be able at some point to compartmentalize this awfulness, stuff it in a back drawer of your mind and go on with happier things. Healing becomes awareness, awakening, and an exploration of one's own behaviors that allowed abuse to stand unconfronted, undefended, denied, rationalized. Being "nice" is overrated, as it allows evil to flourish. I will never lose my empathy and understanding of others but realize I can choose those who are deserving of it, and walk away from those who have violated it. No second chances with disrespectful people. Healing is understanding that explaining my experience will never work with an abuser, a narcissist, and it's best and right to disengage, without guilt or second guessing. Explaining my experience to others who have experienced betrayal, disloyalty and a breach of trust lends further clarity to healing, not only for me. I hope it also lends validation to others who have been beaten down and are coming to recognize their strength and goodness, and to free themselves from the falsehoods perpetrated by abusers.
It has been over a year since I stopped reading emails and letters and opening packages of self help books. I have not seen my mother in four years and I will never visit again to be dismissed, invalidated and used as a prop on her stage. In order to support her narrative of how wrong, how disordered, how crazy I must be, my mother has been able to ignore her own heinous immorality towards her own daughter, and appears to believe she is the victim because I have cut her out of my life forever. She had no outrage when I told her a friend of the family had molested me. I told her when I was 27, and repeated it when I was 40, when it was clear she had done nothing to break her alliance. She continued her loyal friendship with this sexual predator for over two more decades, knowing he preyed upon not just me but many other children in our community. With great dismay and sadness, I have finally realized she is incapable of caring, and she is a monster. I raised my kids to be suspicious of inappropriate adults, and to stand up for themselves. I wish I'd had that courage but I'm proud I could break the cycle. I spent most of my life trying to be helpful, loyal and understanding to a mother who didn't know how to be a mother. I'm done now. Mother's Day is a day of mourning; I am still amazed and baffled that people have loving, protective, loyal mothers they cherish. I am fortunate however, to have many others who care about me and thus fortified, began the journey towards truth, wholeness and self-worth. Thanks to your website and many others, I have been validated and gained understanding and courage. Still plodding ahead, and gaining insight and strength.
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