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Survivor story
Rising Above Betrayal
Original story
Message of Healing
Healing is first acceptance of horrific circumstances, and stop trying to be neutral about it, to not rock the boat, and then to be horrified, and be devastated, and mourn. A lot of crying and depression and feelings of worthlessnesses are involved. It is important to shut yourself off from any and all mean people and seek out those who have kindness, acceptance and understanding . This mourning is ongoing, but part of healing is that you must move forward. It is not a couch to lie on , but a springboard to launch you into a better life, realizing you CAN choose, you CAN move on. You will be able at some point to compartmentalize this awfulness, stuff it in a back drawer of your mind and go on with happier things. Healing becomes awareness, awakening, and an exploration of one's own behaviors that allowed abuse to stand unconfronted, undefended, denied, rationalized. Being "nice" is overrated, as it allows evil to flourish. I will never lose my empathy and understanding of others but realize I can choose those who are deserving of it, and walk away from those who have violated it. No second chances with disrespectful people. Healing is understanding that explaining my experience will never work with an abuser, a narcissist, and it's best and right to disengage, without guilt or second guessing. Explaining my experience to others who have experienced betrayal, disloyalty and a breach of trust lends further clarity to healing, not only for me. I hope it also lends validation to others who have been beaten down and are coming to recognize their strength and goodness, and to free themselves from the falsehoods perpetrated by abusers.
It has been over a year since I stopped reading emails and letters and opening packages of self help books. I have not seen my mother in four years and I will never visit again to be dismissed, invalidated and used as a prop on her stage. In order to support her narrative of how wrong, how disordered, how crazy I must be, my mother has been able to ignore her own heinous immorality towards her own daughter, and appears to believe she is the victim because I have cut her out of my life forever. She had no outrage when I told her a friend of the family had molested me. I told her when I was 27, and repeated it when I was 40, when it was clear she had done nothing to break her alliance. She continued her loyal friendship with this sexual predator for over two more decades, knowing he preyed upon not just me but many other children in our community. With great dismay and sadness, I have finally realized she is incapable of caring, and she is a monster. I raised my kids to be suspicious of inappropriate adults, and to stand up for themselves. I wish I'd had that courage but I'm proud I could break the cycle. I spent most of my life trying to be helpful, loyal and understanding to a mother who didn't know how to be a mother. I'm done now. Mother's Day is a day of mourning; I am still amazed and baffled that people have loving, protective, loyal mothers they cherish. I am fortunate however, to have many others who care about me and thus fortified, began the journey towards truth, wholeness and self-worth. Thanks to your website and many others, I have been validated and gained understanding and courage. Still plodding ahead, and gaining insight and strength.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.